Codependency in families with adult children refers to a
dysfunctional relationship dynamic where either a parent or an adult child is
excessively reliant or enmeshed on the other for emotional support, validation,
and a sense of purpose, often at the expense of the other’s independence and
well-being. Enmeshment refers to a relationship dynamic where boundaries
between individuals become blurred, leading to a lack of autonomy and
independence. In enmeshed families, parents and children may be overly involved
in each other's lives. This pattern can lead to blurred boundaries, enabling
behaviors, and a lack of personal growth for both the parent and the child.
Recognizing codependency within your family can be
difficult, especially because many behaviors associated with codependency are
often mistaken for genuine care or support. We tend to parent the way we were
parented, and then reverse roles as we get much older. Children are dependent
on their parent’s care and elderly parents depend on care as well.
There’s no clear age when the transition happens in a healthy relationship.
However, certain patterns can indicate that codependency is present and may be
undermining both your well-being and the mental health of your loved one.
Common signs include:
1. ENABLING OR DIFFICULTY SAYING NO: Enabling is
fixing problems for others and doing so in a way that interferes with growth
and responsibility. One of the most telling signs of codependency is the
inability to say no, even when it’s necessary. For example, if your loved one
struggling with addiction asks for money, you may feel compelled to give it to
them, despite knowing they might use it to fuel their addiction. You might
convince yourself that it’s better to give them the money than to let them
resort to dangerous or illegal means to get it.
Example: Sarah’s son, Mark, is struggling with
addiction. He frequently asks her for money, claiming it’s for groceries or
rent, but Sarah suspects he’s using it to act out. Despite her concerns, Sarah
continues to give him money because she can’t bear the thought of him being
homeless or hungry. Sarah knows deep down that she’s enabling the addiction,
but her fear of losing him prevents her from setting that boundary.
2. CONSTANT WORRY AND PREOCCUPATION: Codependency
often causes family members to become preoccupied with their loved one’s life,
particularly when it comes to their well-being. This constant worry can consume
your thoughts, leaving little room for your own needs or happiness. You may
find yourself excessively monitoring your loved one’s actions, trying to
predict their next move, and adjusting your life to manage their behavior.
Example: You see your son or daughter (or parent’s)
phone number (Maybe even from the line you are paying for) come up on your
Caller ID. It is your day off from work and you planned to decompress. But it
is, after all, your child (or parent), and you love them, so
you accept the call. As you hear their voice, you have conflicting thoughts
including, “What the heck is it now?” immediately followed by your guilt for
being wary of, and anxious about, what they may be seeking. They go on a rant
about how their former boss was a jerk and that they still can't find another
job. They mention not having any money for an upcoming expense and when you
start to explain that you have financial pressures too they say something like
"Fine, don't worry about me!" Maybe you relent with
"Only this time," but you know your words have a hollow ring,
since you've said this so many times before. So, with mixed emotions, you
agree to "loan" money after receiving the usual promises to pay you
back, but you know that will never happen.
3. SACRIFICING PERSONAL GOALS OR NEEDS: Another
common sign of codependency is the tendency to sacrifice your own goals,
interests, or personal needs in order to prioritize your loved one’s issues.
You might cancel plans with friends, skip important work events, or even
abandon personal hobbies to focus all your energy on your loved one’s problems.
Over time, this can lead to resentment and a loss of personal identity.
Example: Linda is a working professional who has
always been passionate about her career. When her husband’s alcohol addiction
worsened, Linda began to decline promotions, skip work events, and neglect her
personal interests to stay home and monitor him. She felt that if she wasn’t
there to keep an eye on him, he would relapse or harm himself. Now, years
later, Linda feels disconnected from her career, her friends, and herself, as
she has spent so long trying to manage her husband’s addiction.
4. FEELING GUILTY ABOUT SETTING BOUNDARIES: Setting
boundaries is a crucial part of any healthy relationship, but for someone
caught in a codependent dynamic, it often feels impossible. You may fear that
setting limits will lead to conflict, rejection, or abandonment by your loved
one. Even when you do try to establish boundaries, you may be overwhelmed with
guilt and end up compromising those boundaries in order to keep the peace.
Example: Maria’s stepson has periodically been in and
out of life chaos and even a few stints in rehab but is an otherwise very
successful young professional. Each time the life chaos hits or he leaves
rehab, he receives support from Maria, promising to get his life back under
control. Maria knows his promises are sincere and that he does have the ability
but just needs a little help getting through the multiple or unusual
challenging circumstances that he’s dealing with and then he’ll be great on his
own. She feels that if she doesn’t lend a hand, he’ll relapse or feel abandoned
and then things will really get worse. But Tom only continues to
rely on Maria. Life ‘stuff’ always seems to come up again, preventing him from
fully holding his own.
5. CONTROLLING BEHAVIORS: In many cases, codependency
leads to controlling behaviors that stem from fear. Family members may try to
control their loved one’s actions, finances, or decisions, believing that this
will prevent further harm or relapse. However, these controlling behaviors
often backfire, leading to more tension and conflict within the relationship.
Example: After her elderly father, Jake, went through
rehab for his addiction, Lucy took control of all his finances. She tracked
every dollar, restricted his access to his accounts, and checked his phone and
email and computer history constantly for any signs of the addiction. While
Lucy’s actions came from a place of fear, her controlling behavior began to
push Jake away, making him feel like a child instead of a parent. This dynamic
created additional stress in their relationship and, eventually, led to Jake relapsing,
blaming it on the stress of his controlling daughter.
What can I do?
Recognizing these or patterns in your family is the first
step toward breaking the cycle of codependency. While you may feel that your
actions are helping or protecting your loved one, codependent behaviors often
prolong addiction or other unhealthy behaviors and create unhealthy dynamics.
Understanding these signs and taking steps to address them is essential for
both your well-being and your loved one’s sufficiency and recovery.
Detaching is an effective way to cope with a codependent
relationship or any toxic or dysfunctional relationship, whether it’s with an
alcoholic parent, an addicted child, or a narcissistic spouse. Detaching is the
opposite of enabling because it allows people to experience the consequences of
their choices and it provides you with needed emotional and physical space so
that you can care for yourself and feel at peace.
1. Recognize That Your Roles Have Changed: The
dynamic between parent and child changes as children become adults. What worked
when they were all younger now needs to shift to a relationship based more on
equality and respect. As we all age, we are likely to start trading
characteristics of the parent-child relationship from when we were younger.
Recognizing this shift and allowing them to direct their own lives shows that
you respect them. For example, instead of telling them what to do or
criticizing their decision, consider saying, “I trust you’ve thought this
through, and I’m proud of you for doing what feels right to you.” This
acknowledges their ability to make their own choices and shows you respect
their independence, even if the decision differs from what you would have
chosen for them.
2. Respect Autonomy and Boundaries: As we all age,
it’s essential to respect autonomy and boundaries. This includes recognizing
that they have the right to make their own decisions, set limits on how much
they share, and choose how often they interact. Additionally, it’s important to
respect their beliefs and values, even if they differ from your own. You might
express your openness by saying, “I respect your perspective, even if we see
things differently.” This shows that you value their autonomy, time, and values
while leaving the door open for connection.
3. Apologize and Take Ownership for Past Behavior: We
all make mistakes. Maybe you were overly critical, or perhaps you didn’t listen
as much as you should have. Whatever the case, taking responsibility for your
shortcomings and mistakes, whether they were recent or many years ago, can go a
long way in healing and strengthening your family relationships.
4. Avoid Unsolicited Advice: It’s tempting to offer
advice, especially when you see you’re a family member struggling or facing a
problem that you’ve experienced. However, unsolicited advice can sometimes
feel like criticism or a lack of trust. Instead, trust that they will come to
you if they want your input. Ask, “Would you like my thoughts on this, or
would you prefer to figure it out on your own?” This gives them control
over the conversation and respects their independence and capabilities.
5. Allow Them to Make Mistakes: One of the hardest
parts of parenting adult children or ‘parenting our parents,’ is watching them
make mistakes. On the other hand, mistakes can be important sources of learning
and growth, at any age! Stepping back and letting them make their own
decisions shows trust in their ability to manage their lives.
6. Address Problems and Resolve Disagreements
Constructively: Good communication is the foundation of any strong
relationship. Disagreements are normal and inevitable, but when they are
handled with respect and kindness, the relationship can come out stronger. If
you disagree, try not to react defensively. Perhaps, say, “I’d like to
understand your perspective better. Can we talk about it?” This approach shows
that you value their input and don’t always have to be right.
7. Live Your Own Life: It’s important to spend
quality time with family (family does not mean you have to be
biologically related!), and it’s also important for you both to have your own
interests, goals and friends. This prevents overdependence on the relationship,
which may feel burdensome. By maintaining your own life, you give others space
to do the same.
8. Cultivate Connection: It’s also important to invest time and energy in your relationship with your family by showing genuine interest in their lives, offering emotional support and validation, and spending quality time together. This shows that you value them and your relationship with them. If you have a shared interest or hobby, you might invite them to join you for an activity. You can also do simple things like grabbing lunch, asking their opinion, or texting them something to brighten their day.
Building a stronger relationship with your adult children or
your aging parents is an ongoing process. You’ll need patience, respect, and a
willingness to evolve. By shifting to a role of mutual respect, offering
support without controlling and communicating openly, you’re likely to create a
relationship that’s more satisfying for both of you.
Keep coming back. It works if you work it, so work it,
YOU’RE WORTH IT!
https://innerbalanceaz.com/blog/what-is-codependency-in-families