Feelings are associated with emotional safety and joy. They
convey valuable messages that help us make decisions, establish and maintain
connections, understand ourselves and others, and provide a fundamental sense
of well-being. Feelings also come from experiences (past, present and future)
that take away from our sense of emotional or physical safety and control,
particularly when those experiences result in anger, which is primarily
composed of fear and sadness. Those painful feelings, while disliked, are a
normal part of life experiences and when they are processed in a healthy
manner, collectively contribute to personal growth and emotional well-being. But what happens when we
suppress, avoid or numb feelings that are painful or uncomfortable?
Ignoring or denying feelings because we can’t control the
underlying circumstances doesn’t make them go away. Instead, the feelings
continue to brew, grow and bubble up until something prompts them to erupt.
Suppressing or ignoring feelings with things like TV, video games, social
media, work, or other activities to divert attention from the feelings can
cause us to miss the important messages they carry and over time, result in
emotional numbness and becoming trapped in negative emotions, often expressing themselves
through yelling, nagging and physical or emotional aggression. Numbing painful feelings, can
become even more dangerous. Using alcohol, drugs, smoking, binge eating, or
sexually acting out only add more complexities and risks.
Additional avoidance behaviors can also include:
- Intellectualizing:
Talking about emotions in a detached, analytical way instead of feeling
them.
- Worrying
/ Overthinking: Preparing for all possible imagined future threats or
outcomes thinking that will avoid anxiety. Doing
so actually creates more anxiety.
- Blaming:
Shifting focus to blame oneself or others as a way to avoid deeper
emotional pain.
- Ruminating:
Replaying scenarios in the mind to avoid confronting the core feelings.
- Social
and Cultural: Social norms often equate expressing negative emotions with
weakness, reinforcing suppression and limiting emotional
authenticity.
These avoidance strategies may provide temporary relief but
prevent meaningful emotional processing and long-term growth. Avoidance or
numbing leaves us stuck and often results in an energy drain and greater
negative impact to our emotional health as well as the originating
circumstance.
Accepting and actively working with difficult feelings has
MANY benefits, including:
- Acknowledging
and processing emotions to pass naturally rather than lingering
unresolved.
- Self-Understanding,
to gain valuable insights into your needs, experiences, and reactions.
- Move
away from judging emotions as "good" or "bad," for a
healthier relationship with feelings.
- Enables
use of information about feelings to make decisions and take actions that
benefit you.
- Emotional
Balance.
- Letting
go reduces suffering and fosters peace.
- Frees
up time, mental space, and energy for new experiences and opportunities.
- Watching
life improve after letting go builds confidence in oneself and the
universe.
- Over
time, letting go leads to more ease, flow, and optimism about the future.
- Letting
go creates room for bigger and better things in life.
- Processing
feelings in a supportive manner allows fresh perspectives in other
situations.
- Reflecting
on past successful letting-go teaches there are no wrong decisions, only
redirections.
Fine but how do I actually do it?
- Name
the Feeling. When you become aware of a feeling, pause. You may first
notice the general manifestations or tone of the emotion, negative or
positive.
- Where
in your body are you feeling the feeling? Emotions are called
“feelings” because we feel them in the body. See if you can mindfully
observe the physical location and sensations in your body? Encourage
yourself to “allow” the sensations to be present and flow – let them rise
and fall without trying to control, reduce, or escape them. (See the core
feelings table further below)
- Mindfully
Investigate What’s at the Heart of Your Feelings? Now gently shift your
attention to investigating what is driving the emotion. Maybe you are
facing a loss or something threatening in the future, or having an
experience of being unseen or excluded. Hold your thoughts lightly as you
inquire, remember that your interpretations are colored by your history.
Try not to get stuck in a story, analysis, or ruminating about a “scene”
in your head. Keep it simple: what is at the heart of your pain or joy? And
if you notice that you are blaming yourself or others, this is an
avoidance move. See if you can feel the pain without blame. It’s helpful
to have an image of your initial feelings and thoughts as reactive waves
on the surface of the water, where we typically resist and splash around.
The goal is to drop into deeper and more vulnerable waters, where the core
of your pain and values reside.
- Bring
Compassion to Your Experience. As you allow and investigate your feelings,
it is important to bring kindness to your experience (especially if it’s
painful). We all know how to speak critically to ourselves – this step is
about cultivating the opposite: bringing a compassionate, caring stance to
what we are feeling. If this is difficult for you to do, think about how
you would bring empathy to a family member, dear friend, or your child.
You also deserve that care! You might say to yourself: “I’m so sorry you
are feeling this way,” “This is so difficult,” or “I’m with you.” Whatever
you are feeling, remember: You are not alone—we all get hurt and
disappointed in life, we all need a sense of safety, connection,
belonging. While our individual experiences are unique, there is something
universal in our desires and pain. This step is about recognizing our
common humanity and actively bringing a nurturing stance to our own
experience.
Make an Affirmation Statement: Foe example, “I am a
precious, worthwhile, fallible and still valuable child of the Universe (God,
etc).” Repeat it out loud several times a day.
Write Down Your Reasons for the Feelings: Document what
feels bad about the current situation. Don’t try to decide what would
specifically solve it. Send
it to your Higher Power (surrender).
Act Kindly and Fearlessly: Let go with kindness and clarity.
You don’t need others’ permission to
make positive changes. Be
kind to yourself and others, and take action.
Use Morning Meditation, Affirmations and Visualizations:
Focus on your future goals by visualizing the life you want and speaking
affirmations that support your vision.
Practice Nightly Gratitude and Journaling: Reflect on the
positive changes you are experiencing and clarify your feelings through
journaling. Gratitude
helps you notice the benefits of your choices.
Have Compassion for Yourself: Expect setbacks and difficult
moments. Approach them
with curiosity rather than judgment, and give yourself grace as you try again.
It’s a life-long practice that helps us cultivate the art of
leaning into your feelings. It’s worth saying that skillfulness with emotion
starts as a relational process—if our earliest caregivers did not help us learn
how to accept our feelings, then we were left alone and overwhelmed by them, or
unable to glean their significance. This is one of the reasons why the
therapist-client relationship is so important. While these steps can be done on
your own, a therapist and participation in recovery groups like CoDA can help
you notice the subtle ways you interact with feelings, and create safety as you
explore the difficult feelings.
Keep
coming back. It works if you work it, so work it, you’re worth it!
See table of the Eight Core Feelings
Reference articles:
https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/feel-your-feelings/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotional-safety-is-necessary-for-emotional-connection/
https://www.psychmechanics.com/effects-of-suppressing-your-emotions/