Boundaries. The expression can start to feel like a buzzword
that people toss around, but what exactly is a boundary? A boundary is a
line or limit between you and another person. It’s a space where you end and
someone else begins. Boundaries designate what you feel comfortable with
physically, verbally, or emotionally. Social media is quick to promote messages
of protecting our peace, saying no without guilt, and walking away from
situations that do not serve us. For many, this feedback and advice has been
invaluable, especially for those struggling with people-pleasing or neglecting
their own needs.
What happens when boundaries become a form of control, or a
form of avoidance? Sometimes the line is thin, and what initially starts with a
healthy limit and boundary setting can easily turn unhealthy, guised by therapy
speak.
Unhealthy boundaries in relationships occur when individuals
either allow others to overstep their limits or become too rigid, preventing
meaningful connections. This can lead to feelings of resentment, emotional
exhaustion, and toxic relationships and a loss of individual identity.
Understanding Unhealthy Boundaries
Unhealthy boundaries occur when individuals in a
relationship do not respect their own or each other's limits. This can lead to
emotional distress and toxic dynamics. Here are key characteristics of
unhealthy boundaries:
- Lack
of Personal Space. Not respecting physical boundaries, such as invading
personal space.
- Emotional
Responsibility. Feeling responsible for others' emotions or happiness.
- Difficulty
Saying No. Struggling to refuse requests, leading to feelings of
resentment.
- Over-sharing
Personal Info. Disclosing too much personal information too soon in a
relationship.
- Ignoring
Personal Values. Compromising your values to please others.
- Codependency.
Relying on others for emotional support to the point of losing
independence.
- Disrespecting
Others' Limits. Not honoring the boundaries set by others, leading to
discomfort.
- Psychological
urgency. Insisting someone respond to something before it’s too late.
- Attempting
to create emotional indebtedness: Doing things for someone with the
expectation that they will have to ‘pay back.’
- Little
or no consideration for the other person’s emotional or physical health /
safety.
- Chipping
away at boundaries a little at a time or though fear, coercion or
manipulation.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Assess the purpose of the boundary- am I doing this for me,
or to change someone else? Healthy boundaries focus on my behavior or my limits
to communication. They do not change others. Some examples of healthy boundary
statements:
- “I
need some time to think this over before I make a decision.”
- “I’m
feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take five minutes to cool down.”
- “I
care about you and want to support you, but I am feeling overwhelmed right
now and I can’t be there in the way you need me.”
- “I’m
off the clock at 4:00pm and do not respond to work messages after this
time.”
In each of these examples, there is clear communication
about where the individual stands and what to expect. We are not asking or
expecting others to change their behavior but more so providing a heads up of this
is where I stand and this is what I will be doing.
Additional examples of healthy boundaries:
- Valuing
your personal boundaries and not compromising them for someone else.
- Saying
“no” and accepting when others say “no.”
- Knowing
who you are and what you want, and communicating that to others.
- Engaging
in appropriate sharing.
- Not
letting others define you or your sense of self-worth.
- Knowing
that your needs and feelings are just as important as the needs and
feelings of others.
- Knowing
that you have the right to your emotions and feelings.
- Respecting
others’ values, beliefs, and opinions, while knowing that you do not have
to compromise your own values, beliefs, and opinions.
- Communicate
Clearly: Discuss your boundaries openly including why you are setting the
boundary and why it’s important for it to be maintained.
- Enforce
Your Limits: Be consistent in maintaining your boundaries while leading
with grace. Even when boundaries are clear and understood, there may be
times when we all slip up or cross a boundary. Instead of cutting someone
off, take note of whether they are trying. We’re not perfect, and progress
counts.
- Respect
Others' Boundaries: Acknowledge and honor the limits set by others.
- Establishing
healthy boundaries is crucial for emotional well-being and maintaining
fulfilling relationships.
- Set
boundaries early to create a baseline level of expectation and
understanding.
Boundary-setting is an important and needed construct to
foster and maintain healthy relationships. As with any good concept, it can be
easy to slip into ulterior motives, whether conscious or subconsciously, and
cross a healthy line. Boundaries can easily be misunderstood or misapplied,
shifting from genuine protection of our limits into avoidance, manipulation, or
control. True boundaries clearly communicate our own needs and limits without
demanding others change, fostering respect and connection rather than division
or dominance. By reflecting honestly on our intentions and practicing open
communication, we can ensure that our boundaries serve their healthy purpose.
Keep coming back. It works if you work it, so WORK IT,
YOU’RE WORTH IT!
Adapted and adopted from the following articles:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202507/3-ways-boundaries-can-backfire
https://healthyrelationshipsinitiative.org/healthy-vs-unhealthy-boundaries/