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Giving & Receiving Help Without Codependency

Codependency: A two-way relationship dynamic between a ‘giver’ and a ‘taker’ where one person excessively prioritizes the needs of another, often at the expense of their own well-being, and the other person, often unconsciously, develops an expectation or unhealthy dependency on the giver. In extreme cases the taker demonstrates narcissistic behaviors. 

So, how do I achieve a healthy balance in giving and receiving? It starts with an understanding that heathy giving and receiving is a dance between two parties. It requires full participation from both people or groups. It’s a two-way street. 

Giving

When we give, we often experience a sense of purpose, connection, and contribution. However, if we give excessively without replenishing our own resources, we will begin to feel drained and resentful. While it may help you feel good for making someone's life easier, you may do more harm by enabling a dysfunctional or otherwise unhealthy habit. 

Signs that giving or helping has gone too far

  • You're keeping secrets
  • You're making excuses
  • You’re often providing financial support, even to the detriment of your own resources
  • You're blaming others for the person's behavior
  • What you're giving is undeserved
  • You experience difficulty setting or maintaining healthy boundaries
  • You're resorting to threats to stop helping
  • You're trying to avoid the person you're helping
  • You ignore unacceptable behavior
  • You put the needs of the person you're helping before your own
  • You're being manipulated, threatened, or taken advantage of
  • You're helping outside of your means
  • Your helpfulness is making it easier for someone to stay unhealthy in some way, such as stuck in an addiction or not working to support themselves.
  • You're feeling resentful or burdened

Receiving

Receiving can be a beautiful act of vulnerability and trust. It allows us to accept support, nurture, and care from others. Yet, an overemphasis on receiving without reciprocating leads to a sense of entitlement and disconnection from relationships or reality.

Signs that receiving has gone too far

  • Expecting or demanding someone behave or believe the way you want them to
  • Expecting or demanding financial support
  • Disregarding or disrespecting boundaries, including unwanted contact
  • Using guilt, threats, or manipulation, including ‘silent treatment,’ to get your way
  • Becoming resentful or aggressive when your wants aren't met by others

Signs that I may be help-averse / anti-dependent

  • Past betrayal, ridicule, heartbreak, trauma or related anxiety when I needed help.
  • Feelings of shame or that I don’t deserve / low self-esteem
  • Feeling that I must be self-sufficient (I don’t need any help; This is my burden)
  • Feeling that I am not safe if I am not completely independent
  • Feeling that I will ‘owe’ or must reciprocate if I let someone help me

OK, so what can I do about it?

Start Small: It might be a good idea to get started by acknowledging what you have already been gifted, think about small gifts from nature (a sunny day in a rainy week, a cool breeze on a hot summer day, etc.). Maintaining a gratitude journal might be something that will help you recognize yourself as a giver and a receiver at the same time and it will also help remove any feelings of resentment or neglect that generosity burnout can cause. 

Accept what you receive including something as simple as a compliment. If you get uncomfortable when someone genuinely appreciates you or commends your effort or are prone to dismissing it as “fake”, it might be good to reconsider that attitude and start accepting the gifts of appreciation that you are being given through words and gestures without discomfort. You are worthy of receiving.  

Ask for what you want to receive: Recognizing your own needs and asking for them to be fulfilled or even asking for help with fulfilling them can help you be a receiver and can make the process of receiving more authentic and comfortable. It can be exhausting to be a “good” receiver, always grateful, even for things that you did not want or need. Asking for things that you actively want or need will help the givers be better givers and help you experience receiving something authentically, genuinely, and without having to feign any feelings.

  • Exercise or yoga or any physical activity, even if just taking a walk
  • Spend time in nature
  • Self-reflection and expressive writing through journaling
  • Practice or start a new hobby or some form of music or art
  • Practice healthy sleep hygiene habits
  • Cook healthy meals for yourself or your family
  • Relax through meditation or mindfulness practice
  • Volunteer at a local charity or non-profit
  • Remind yourself that being supporting does not mean you fixing someone else’s problems nor them fixing yours
  • Counseling therapy with a mental health professional
  • Support groups like Codependents Anonymous

The sweet spot between giving and receiving is reciprocity. When we give with an open heart and receive with gratitude, we create a beautiful dance of mutual support and care. This reciprocity extends beyond individual relationships and can ripple outward. It’s an ongoing and ever-changing journey, one that requires self-awareness, empathy, and a willingness to adapt and grow. 

KEEP COMING BACK. IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT, SO WORK IT, YOU’RE WORTH IT!


Compiled from:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/codependency

https://centeredone.com/what-if-i-have-codependent-tendencies-but-i-like-helping-other-people/

https://thoughtcatalog.com/rezzan-huseyin/2016/06/this-is-how-to-let-others-help-you-even-if-you-are-fiercely-independent/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/202110/how-to-let-people-help-you

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/support-someone-without-enabling-them-from-therapist

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/9927/emotional-independence/

https://www.trackinghappiness.com/how-to-let-people-in/

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-care-for-others-without-taking-on-their-pain/

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/7410/help-others/

https://www.mindful.org/why-its-so-hard-to-let-others-care-for-you/

https://www.hncsupport.org/6-ways-to-accept-help-when-its-uncomfortable/

https://psychcentral.com/health/are-you-an-enabler#enabling-signs

https://psychcentral.com/health/what-is-the-difference-between-supporting-and-enabling

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/behavior/enabling-behavior-when-helping-goes-too-far/

https://happierway.org/pillars/growth/happier-way-originals-growth/giving-and-receiving-a-healthy-balance/

https://yvetteerasmus.com/the-sweet-spot-between-giving-and-receiving/

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