Mother’s Day: the day to recognize and celebrate moms. For
many, however Mother’s Day can also be a stark reminder of a relationship
that’s fractured, distant, or even non-existent. The messaging around Mother’s
Day—such as advertisements and social media tributes—can amplify feelings of
longing and absence. The pressure to extol our mothers is immense, leaving many
mothers, stepmothers, children and spouses with complex feelings about the
day.
An abbreviated compilation of A LOT of articles,
referenced at the end of this summary
How does Codependency come into the picture?
Codependency is when there is insufficient space between two
beings for them to feel confident and secure existing on their own.
Codependence differs from interdependence, where two people rely on each other
but can and do function independently at times.
Codependency in motherhood can be a complex issue. A simple
definition is an unhealthy attachment between a mother and her child. The
biggest sign of a codependent parent-child relationship is a lack of
boundaries, where one feels overly responsible for the other’s happiness. It
includes an inability to separate one’s own emotions from that of the other.
For example, if the child feels unhappy or frustrated, the parent may also
become overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness or guilt. Similarly, in a codependent
dynamic, children may learn to prioritize the needs and emotions of the parent
over their own. This behavior, learned in childhood, can persist into
adulthood, making it difficult for individuals to assert their own needs, live
independent lives, set boundaries, and prioritize self-care.
For Adult Children: Your mother may have been the
first to hold and feed you, perhaps within minutes of your first earthside
breath. Somewhere in between, someone cut your umbilical cord. However, you may
(figuratively) remain tethered to your mother, even though
you may no longer live with her. And, she
may also depend on you, even if she's in good health.
Strained relationships between mothers and children can stem from a variety of
origins:
- Abusive
or toxic behavior.
- Treating
you like a child.
- Unfulfilled
needs.
- Communication
issues, misunderstandings, unresolved conflicts.
- Different
values and personalities.
- Estrangement.
Resulting feelings:
- Sadness
/ Grief: For those who have lost a mother, the day can reawaken feelings
of loss.
- Anger:
Resentment for unmet needs or emotional pain.
- Guilt:
Societal pressure to celebrate mothers can make some feel guilty for not
having a closer relationship or not having been a ‘perfect child.’
- Isolation:
Seeing others celebrate with their mothers can make you feel alone in your
struggles.
These responses highlight the complexity of the day, which
often amplifies loss, strain, and longing rather than serving as a simple
celebration.
For Moms: Parenting codependency can manifest
itself in a tendency to focus all your energy on your children, and neglect
yourself or other relationships or activities. While that’s more necessary when
kids are young, continuing that emphasis as they grow is unhealthy for everyone
involved. A child raised by codependent people will likely become a codependent
person in their future relationships and the parent increasingly feeling a loss
of identity.
You may feel your child IS your purpose. Motherhood comes
with a beautiful sense of devotion, but unfortunately, it can be easy for some
parents to get so caught up in the lives of their children that they only find
meaning through them. It is important to recognize that our sense of purpose
should not be solely tied to someone else, including our children – We must
look within ourselves for motivation, guidance, and any other essential aspects
of fulfilling our purpose in life. And with respect to our children, part of
our role as parents is to help them develop into independent functioning adults
with confidence and a sense of self-worth. Their journey gets to be their own.
It is healthy for kids to experience and understand their own feelings and have
their own sense of independence and identity. Overly controlling can be
damaging to a child’s self-esteem and their relationships with others.
Signs I’m excessively preoccupied with my child’s life,
including my adult child:
- Constantly
worrying about their future, or obsessed with their needs
- A
belief that my decisions and actions are the only ‘right’ ones because
they are well intentioned or “I know what’s best” or want to protect
them.
- I
ignore or fail to develop other relationships to focus on my child.
- I
always want to be with my child.
- My
self-esteem is tied to my child and their well-being in life. Their
success reflects on me.
- I rely
on my child to fulfill my emotional or financial needs.
- Grief,
including loss of a child, often intertwines with other emotions, such as
guilt, anger, or confusion, making the day emotionally challenging for
many.
Being obsessed with our child’s needs isn’t uncommon. In
most cases, it’s rooted in our own childhood experiences. As parents, many of
us find ourselves exhibiting patterns and dynamics that were first learned as
little ones ourselves. Experiencing addiction, abuse, and neglect can further
shape these habits. Is something deep inside of us trying to help our children
fill a void that was in ourselves?
Fulfill your own needs: Codependent moms benefit from
recognizing their own needs and taking steps to fulfill them. A human being
doesn’t just have physical needs, but also mental needs, emotional needs,
spiritual needs, and financial needs. Struggling? It helps to join a support
group, engage in activities that bring joy and fulfillment, and to practice
finding a sense of purpose outside of motherhood. Explore activities like
starting a business, taking a class, or joining a club or organization that interests
you.
Bonus mom / Stepmom: Stepmothers often don’t like
Mother’s Day or privately face the day with dread. Bonus parents have all the
responsibilities of a biological parent but rarely receive the praise and
perks. It’s not uncommon for her to feel “outside the circle” with other moms,
especially if one has no biological children. Mother’s Day is the annual day of
reckoning, when parents and children in blended families get anxiety from
trying to figure out how to celebrate all of their mothers, and stepmothers try
to prepare for the moment when they will be reminded of their legendary status
as fairy tale villains and the not quite ‘real’ mothers to the children in
their lives.
Parenting style in blended families: There is no
one-size-fits-all model. It starts with spouses having very specific
discussions and agreements. Complexities, both for the kids and the parents,
include when the other biological parent does not agree or has passed away.
Talk with each other. Reason things out. Come to a consensus.
Being a friend to your children may fly in the face of some
parenting wisdom, but true friendship involves love, patience, respect,
understanding, honesty, listening, affection and forgiveness. That’s what
parenting is about, regardless of whether one is the bonus parent or the
biological one.
A note for husbands Dads / Sons: It’s not much of a
surprise that relationships between married women and their mothers-in-law can
be… well, complicated. And perhaps the holiday that encompasses that the most
is Mother’s Day. Men can easily get caught in the middle. Your mother expects you
to do something for her. Your wife wants to feel special, too. And you probably
just want to make everyone happy. Suggestion: Make sure your focus is on the
mom (biological or bonus) to your kids, if they are not yet adults. They are
the ones doing the hard work at the moment. Yes, recognize and celebrate your
mom but your primary focus is best applied on the mom who is currently on the
parenting front-lines.
For Everyone to Consider: Mothers have a right
to their own wants and needs, instead of family or societally imposed
obligations. If Mother’s Day is a tough day — say a difficult relationship with
your mother, the loss of your mother, infertility, the loss of your own child,
or being estranged from family members, to name just a few, you don’t have to
be boxed in by the traditional or usual ways of spending this holiday.
Certainly, compromise, communication and boundaries are
important in healthy relationships. Most importantly, compromise must go both
ways. If you’re constantly giving in and sacrificing yourself to make other
people happy, that’s people-pleasing, not compromising. Consider some
options:
- Honoring
a Mentor or Chosen Family: Celebrate someone who has provided guidance or
support, even if they are not a biological mother.
- Engaging
in Self-Care: Dedicate the day to activities that bring peace, joy, or
relaxation, such as spending time in nature, reading, or pampering
oneself.
- Mothering
Oneself: Offer oneself the compassion, rest, and support they may not have
received from others.
- Creating
New Rituals & Traditions: Light a candle for a lost mother, write a
letter to an estranged one (even if unsent), or volunteer for
organizations supporting maternal health.
Go out of town for the weekend or decide it’s
the day you head out for a long hike all alone. Empower yourself to scale
back your celebration. There isn’t a right
or wrong way to celebrate.
- Setting
Boundaries: Opt out of traditional gatherings or redefine how (or whether)
to acknowledge the day, prioritizing emotional well-being.
Honor what feels right for you. Reclaim the day in a way
that feels authentic. Make it a meaningful and empowering experience. You’re
worth it!
https://www.simplypsychology.org/codependent-parent.html
https://parade.com/living/signs-of-codependent-relationship-with-mother-according-to-psychologist
https://www.thepositivemom.com/a-codependent-mom-signs
https://stepmomming.com/the-codependents-journey-with-stepparenting/
https://neurolaunch.com/mother-daughter-codependency/
https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/mothers-day-when-you-arent-close-to-your-mother/
https://jacksonvillemom.com/love-marriage/dear-husbands-mothers-day-not-mom/
https://www.today.com/parents/stepmother-s-guide-mother-s-day-t111321
https://momlifetoday.com/how-to-help-a-stepmom-on-mothers-day/
https://www.crosswalk.com/slideshows/practical-tips-for-dads-and-stepmoms-on-mothers-day.html