What are you going to do today? How are you celebrating?
Aren’t you excited? What should we do? Where do you want to go to celebrate?
Aughhhhhhhh. Fragapanophobia. Fraga-what?? It’s the fear of, or
aversion to, celebrating one's own birthday.
Adopted and adapted from a series of articles referenced
at the end of this compilation
You might feel wonderful on your birthday. If so, good for
you, this article is not for you. Some people, including many codependents,
don’t want to celebrate the calendar date they arrived on this planet, and are
often misunderstood by their friends and family, who – in fairness, just want
to show them love.
Birthdays are a time for self-reflection, reminding us of
our place in the world. They can stir up emotions, expectations and
reflections, both of pride and disappointment, joy and sadness. Birthdays are
often an occasion for you to come to terms with your past, present and future,
and in turn can generate complex emotions.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to make a
big deal out of your birthday. Psychologists say there are many reasons why
someone might not like their birthday; some come down to personality traits,
others to personal history and even social pressures. Most of us do not
particularly care to reveal or discuss, much less examine, what this is all
about for us. Regardless of which camp you are in, let’s take just a quick look
at the phenomenon, in an attempt to start to understand ourselves or a
significant other who may have the trait.
Some reasons that one does not want to celebrate their
birthday seem entirely rational, while some may hide a more profound or deeper
foundation:
- Discomfort
with the attention: After those first kid birthdays passed, other
birthdays became just milestones, like turning 16 or 21, for example. You
may also feel like people who don’t remember you all year are only now
wishing you a happy birthday just because a notification appeared on
social media reminding them of your birthday.
- Negative
past experiences: Negative memories and experiences from prior birthdays,
particularly from childhood, which are resurrected with the approaching
annual day, can make you relive a past trauma or otherwise feel anxiety,
triggered by the past. Maybe your parents simply did not have the
emotional or financial means to celebrate your birthday the way you or
societal influences wanted or suggested, so you felt disappointed or sad
or less-than, as a result.
- Your
birthday reminds you that you are not satisfied with your life: This can
include references to relationships, marriage, work, and financial wealth
among others. It can be catalyzed directly or indirectly by others if one
feels like they have not accomplished what they or others think should
have been accomplished by now. It can include sadness or shame about
experiences that I or others see as failures. It manifests as feeling that
I am not enough or not deserving.
- Expectations:
There’s this unspoken idea surrounding birthdays that they have to be big,
exciting, and epic. And this expectation alone can cause birthday
nerves and anxiety. There are a ton of birthday expectations that we and
others may have, which simply don’t come close to reality.
- Feelings
of loneliness, isolation or abandonment: Recent life or relationship
losses, emotional or physical distance from family or friends can all
contribute to sadness.
- Aging:
Birthdays can remind us that we are aging another year. It’s the
“official” day that we are one year older, even though the day before and
the day after we feel virtually the same. And unfortunately, getting older
isn’t exactly something to look forward to as we rack up the years and
birthdays remind us that we’re not getting any younger.
- Life
stress in general: If one is already experiencing stress, anxiety, shame,
depression, or otherwise already going through a difficult situation, even
though it’s completely unrelated to the birthday, it’s difficult to feel
happy or deserving of celebrating the birthday.
- You do
not want presents: As children, birthdays were frequently all about
presents. Now, as an adult, you feel there is no need for gifts or
material things and don’t want people spending their hard-earned money on
gifts that you may not even like or enjoy. Maybe you also consider it an
unwanted obligation because when someone gives you a birthday present, you
believe they expect the same from you.
Some ideas on How to get through it
- Practice
awareness and self-compassion: Becoming aware of your experience and being
kind to yourself is important. Take inventory of your feelings, thoughts
and where you hold tension in your body. When we avoid the emotions, we
increase the intensity of those emotions and we will continue to feel it
until we process it.
- Practice
gratitude: Life is fragile and unpredictable but there is also so much
good waiting to be recognized and embraced if we actively look for it.
It’s not to say you should live in a fantasy world. Rather, it’s deciding
that I’m going to feed my conscious energy and attention to those things
which are nourishing or otherwise positive in my life.
- Go at
your own pace and your own way: You do not need to let others dictate how
you recognize this day based on their desires and expectations. Celebrate
as you wish. It’s ok to communicate what YOU want on this day.
- Be
selective about who you spend your birthday with.
- Treat
yourself: Do something you love, that you wouldn’t normally do.
- Donate
to a non-profit or also ask friends and family to donate to them instead
of doing the gift thing. You can even volunteer if you
want.
- Talk
about it with someone you trust. They may go through the same thing during
their birthday. Even just their listening can help you feel better. Being
open and vulnerable about how you feel with someone who is willing to hold
space for you can be strengthening for both of you.
- Therapy
and support groups like CoDA. You don’t need to go at it alone and an
aversion to birthdays is a likely indicator of some other deeply rooted
feeling or struggles.
Birthdays are subjective. Some people love them, and some
don’t. The key is recognizing and respecting these differences. Whether you
celebrate it or not, spend it alone or with people, enjoy it to the fullest or
do something to make it pass as quickly as possible, the important thing is you
try to listen to yourself and accept what you feel. You’re worth it!
https://aislesoflife.com/why-some-people-dont-love-their-birthday/
https://www.vice.com/en/article/the-reason-you-hate-your-birthday/
https://armanitalks.com/why-some-people-dont-like-celebrating-their-birthdays/
https://tinychangesmatter.com/i-dont-want-to-celebrate-my-birthday/
https://www.verywellmind.com/birthday-depression-why-some-people-feel-sad-on-their-birthdays-5190225
https://www.scienceofpeople.com/birthday-depression/
https://mind.help/topic/birthday-depression/