Adopted and condensed from multiple articles referenced at the end of this article.
Humility: An indispensable attitude for healthy living in
virtually every aspect of interpersonal life.
The word Humility sounds very close to the word humiliation,
and in fact both derive from the same Latin root for the word humble, which in
English has meanings that are both positive and negative. A humble person is
modest, neither arrogant nor prideful, and characterized by simplicity or a
lack of pretentiousness. But to humble someone also means to hurt their pride
or cause them to feel shame or pain—that is, to humiliate them. In
codependency, addiction or compulsion, we are often feeling humiliated or
shamed, by others or ourselves or both.
Humility is about seeing yourself as neither better nor
worse than others, keeping grounded and free from arrogance, pride, and
haughtiness. It involves
acknowledging your gifts, skills, talents, and accolades while maintaining a
balanced self-view.
Humiliation, on the other hand, involves self-loathing and shaming. It differs
from guilt, which is a recognition that I did something wrong and owe an
amends. Humiliation is an expression that I am fundamentally wrong or
broken and there is no fix or amends. It is believing one is defective,
despicable, wretched, worthless and deserving punishment or bad outcomes.
Humiliation and shame are often associated with feeling lowly and less-than,
whereas humility is about maintaining a healthy self-concept without arrogance.
Humiliation and shame, particularly toxic shame, and its
connection to feelings of inadequacy or inferiority, fuel codependency,
addiction and mental illness, including emotional disconnection. It involves
being degraded by self or others and feeling inferior. Unlike healthy feeling
of guilt, which help us recognize and remedy our errors, toxic shame has
serious consequences for a person’s mental health and well-being because it
suggests there is no remedy or healing. Toxic shame is frequently learned in childhood,
but is also commonly perpetuated by carers or any authority figures in our
lives, who are harsh, judgmental, or emotionally unavailable. Anyone exposed to
high levels of toxic shame may internalize feelings of unworthiness or
inadequacy, making it difficult for them to develop a healthy sense of
self-esteem and value. In addition to codependency, toxic shame has been found
to be related to outward hostility, self-hostility, relationship disfunctions,
body-shaming, addiction and compulsive behaviors, among other
manifestations.
The link between humiliation and codependency or compulsive
behaviors is that people often turn to codependent behaviors, including numbing
or escaping through self-medication with things like alcohol, drugs, sex or
even food, among others. This only perpetuates the cycle of isolation,
feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem and unhealthy dependence. In other
words, it feeds more humiliation, shame and self-destructive behaviors.
Breaking the cycle of codependency and shame involves recognizing and addressing
the underlying shame, accepting oneself, and connecting with supportive
relationships, often with the help of a therapist and support groups, like
Codependents Anonymous.
There is significant scientific evidence supporting the
assertion that twelve-step programs are part of an effective recovery regimen
from humiliation and shame because they aim at a humble reconstitution of the
self, and a humble reconstitution of the self directly addresses two of the
most besetting challenges of the codependent or compulsive:
- The
challenge of identifying with the self over time, and in healthy ways that
become integrated in our lives.
- The
challenge of trying to control everything and everyone, in order to
fulfill unmet psychological or social needs, and instead healing ourselves
and becoming self-understanding. Living in emotional, physical and
spiritual balance, instead of seeking escape from ourselves or a current
reality. Recovery seeks to fulfill our legitimate human emotional needs in
healthy and sustainable ways.
Research has shown that humility is relevant in many areas
of life, such as fostering healthy relationships, facilitating conflict
resolution, forgiveness, effective self-control, focusing on others and
benefitting group well-being, among other areas. Humility does not rationalize
nor accept codependency. Codependency sacrifices or otherwise devalues
confidence, self-esteem or self-care in its attempts to serve or please
others.
Humility plays a crucial role in the concept of willing
surrender and is essential for emotional, spiritual and moral growth. It involves recognizing and
accepting one's limitations and the inability to control everything, which is a
necessary step towards personal development.
In the context of the Twelve Steps, humility is present in all of the steps,
particularly in the concepts of surrender and willingness. Humility helps us stop fighting futile battles and helps
us give up self-destructive behaviors, making room for new, healthier ways of
living. It is a process
that involves ongoing self-reflection and the willingness to surrender control,
leading to positive change and virtuous self-constitution. In CoDA, and all 12-Step
programs, it helps us to be open to new ideas, be willing to change, and humble
enough to accept our limitations and the need to both receive and extend help:
- Step
1 - Admitting Powerlessness: The first step involves admitting
powerlessness over codependency, addiction or compulsive behavior, which
requires humility. Recognizing that one cannot control their codependency,
addiction or compulsion alone is a humbling experience and a crucial starting
point for recovery.
- Step
2 - Belief in a Higher Power: This step involves coming to believe
that a power greater than oneself can restore sanity. Humility is necessary to
accept that one needs help from a Higher Power and a supportive community.
It prepares us to recognize healthy interdependence in the context of
being loved and cared for.
- Step
3 - Turning Over Will: Surrender. This step requires making a decision
to turn one’s will and life over to the care of a Higher Power. It involves humility to
surrender control and trust in something greater than oneself. Surrender is not passive
submission but an active relinquishing of that which we truly do not
control. It is a continual process rather than a single event.
- Steps
4 and 5 - Self-Examination and Confession: These steps involve a moral
inventory and admitting wrongs to oneself, another person, and a Higher
Power. Humility is essential for honest self-examination and confession of
faults. It is our
demonstration and practice of embracing vulnerability.
- Steps
6 and 7 - Readiness and Asking for Removal of Defects: These steps
involve being ready to have defects of character removed and humbly asking
a Higher Power to remove shortcomings. Humility is key to acknowledging
and seeking help for personal flaws.
- Steps
8 and 9 - Making Amends: Making a list of people harmed and making
amends requires humility to recognize past wrongs and take responsibility
for them.
- Step
10 - Continued Personal Inventory: This step involves ongoing
self-assessment and promptly admitting when wrong and making amends, where
appropriate. Humility is necessary for continuous self-improvement
and accountability. It involves gratitude, mindfulness and
self-reflection.
- Step
11 - Seeking Spiritual Growth: This step involves seeking through
prayer and meditation to improve conscious contact with a Higher Power.
Humility is needed to seek guidance and maintain spiritual growth.
- Step
12 - Carrying the Message: This step involves service and carrying the
message to others and practicing the principles in all affairs. Humility
helps individuals to share their experiences and support others in their
recovery journey. It is a component of strengthening relationships and
serves those we help as well as ourselves.
Humility involves seeing yourself as neither better nor
worse than others, maintaining a balanced self-view, and acknowledging your
gifts, skills, talents, and accolades without arrogance. It is essential for our
spiritual, emotional and moral growth, helping us recognize our limitations and
the inability to control everything, which is crucial for personal development.
Humility is about
maintaining a healthy self-concept without arrogance.
Keep coming back. It works if you work it, so WORK IT.
YOU’RE WORTH IT!
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10006235/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shame/202108/humility-vs-shame
https://www.academia.edu/38639208/Recovery_and_the_humble_reconstitution_of_the_self
https://psychcentral.com/health/what-is-codependency-traits#codependent-traits
https://www.happierhuman.com/humbleness-vs-humility-wa1/
https://www.thegiftofhappiness.org/blog/2020/1/13/the-difference-between-humility-and-humiliation