At the center of your being, you have the answer. You know
who you are and you know what you want.
-Lao Tsu
Adopted and adapted from an article by Darlene Lancer, JD,
LMFT
https://whatiscodependency.com/your-true-authentic-self/
Codependents often wonder what is normal. They feel insecure
and wonder how others perceive them. Many say they don’t really know
themselves. They’ve become people-pleasers, editing what they say and adapting
their behavior to the feelings and needs of others. Some sacrifice themselves ― their values,
needs, wants, and feelings―to someone they care about. For other codependents,
their escape or numbing revolves around an addiction, whether it’s to a drug,
alcohol, sex, fantasy, pornography, gambling, or to pursuing prestige or power
in order to feel secure. Eventually, their behaviors or achievements feel
meaningless due to self-alienation. Both types of codependents suffer from
alienation from their true self.
They’re disconnected from their true, authentic self. This
is the emptiness we feel when a relationship ends, or during participation or
withdrawal from an addiction or other unhealthy behaviors. It can even occur
when successes are achieved. Hence, codependency is called a disease of a “lost
self.”
Denial of Codependency and the True Self
Ideally, our true self emerges in the normal course of
becoming an individual, called “individuation,” so that we’re able to
distinguish our own feelings, thoughts, needs, wants, perceptions, and actions,
as separate from our family and others. A dysfunctional family disrupts
individuation to varying degrees. Because codependency is transgenerational, in
childhood a “false” codependent self is formed.
Most codependents are in denial of this situation, because
for so long they’ve organized their thinking and behavior around something or
someone external to themselves. Some codependents can’t identify their values
or opinions. They’re suggestible and can be easily persuaded to do things they
later regret. In a conflict, they often can’t hold onto their views once
they’re challenged. This makes relationships a minefield, especially with a
partner who uses projection as a defense and blames or accuses them of his or
her own faults or behavior. You may suspect that you’re being abused, but when
you’re blamed, you become confused and doubt your own perceptions. You might
end up apologizing for inciting an abuser’s rage.
In recovery, we must rediscover who we are. What should have
been a natural, unconscious, developmental process, now as an adult requires a
conscious inward reorientation. Effort is necessary, because the tendency is to
go into denial and externalize our self. Denial exists on several levels, from
total repression to minimization.
Feelings
Many codependents are highly attuned to others feelings, but
are in denial (or diminishment) of their own. They may know that they’re
“upset,” but are unable to name what they feel. Often, even when able to name a
feeling, they rationalize or minimize it, or the feeling is known only
intellectually and not embodied. Often this is due to unconscious, internalized
shame from childhood or past like experiences. In relationships, codependents
feel responsible for other people’s feelings. Their focus is on their partner
or others, and often empathize more with the other person than with themselves.
Needs
Codependents tend to deny their needs, particularly
emotional needs. In relationships, they sacrifice their needs to accommodate
others. They may go without intimacy (physical and/or emotional), respect,
affection, or appreciation for months or years, sometimes not even realizing
what they’re missing. Usually, it’s not a conscious choice because they don’t
realize what their needs are or believe that they matter. They also may deny
their needs when they’re single. They may take care of themselves physically
and appear to be the paragon of beauty or physical prowess, but neglect
relational and emotional needs.
Wants
The hardest challenge for many codependents is identifying
what they want or feeling like they deserve to have what they want. They’re so
used to making others happy and fulfilling the other person’s needs and wants,
including those of their own children, that they may deny or even have no idea
what they want. Sometimes, we do realize our wants and needs but as a result of
our codependency, don’t express them. We may continue in a relationship, job or
other behavior, but never ask ourselves what more we want out of life. Worse
yet is when we do know what we want but make excuses, or out of fear of being
rejected, quickly feel it’s futile or even risky to speak out or to seek
change, sometimes telling ourselves that it will be worse for us if we do.
What You Can Do
·
Attend CoDA meetings
·
Reach out to a therapist
·
Start to journal about your feelings, wants and
needs.
·
Ask yourself throughout the day, “What am I
feeling?” Name it.
·
Tune in to your body. Identify sensations and
inner feelings.
·
When you’re down or uncomfortable, ask yourself
what you need and fulfill your need.
·
Ask yourself throughout the day, “What am I
feeling?” Name it.
·
Compare a list of what you want to do and what
you have to do.
·
What stops you from doing what you want? Start
doing what you want.
·
Be authentic in your communication.
·
Read the book Codependency for Dummies
·
Practice becoming comfortable engaging with the
other person and sharing your truth.
·
Learn to be assertive.
https://whatiscodependency.com/product/how-to-speak-your-mind/
It’s hard to change and easy to slip into old habits. It may
be hard to motivate yourself to follow the above recommendations. Additionally,
recovery can be accompanied by anxiety and depression, which is often sought to
be numbed in unhealthy behaviors. Some people unwittingly shift to addictions
or obsessions to stave this off. These
are reasons why it’s so important to have a good support system, including
12-Step meetings and therapy.
Keep coming back. It works if you work it, so WORK IT,
YOU’RE WORTH IT!