You can’t calm the storm. What you can do is calm yourself,
and the storm will gradually pass.
Adopted and condensed from multiple articles referenced
at the end of this article.
The biology of a belief that says we need to control
everything and everyone comes from an emotion (fear), and emotions need to be
felt and processed in the body. That origin emotion and resulting need to
control, is associated with our fundamental need for safety and security. It
originated in our past experiences, likely from as far back as very early
childhood, where we learned certain coping mechanisms like people-pleasing or
perfectionism to earn love or attention or a sense of safety. Control is also a
result of being attached to a specific outcome—an outcome we’re sure is best
for us, as if we always know what’s best. Left unchecked, it’s where we learned
ultimately unhealthy behaviors like using chemicals or sex or emotionally
acting out to help us, at least temporarily, detach from the fear and emotional
pain. They were survival behaviors that we learned and unconsciously carried
with us to our present.
As human beings, particularly adults, we all have developed
and entrenched ideas in our heads about how things are supposed to be. If we
are in control mode or surrender mode highly depends on our belief about the
world in general. Is the world a good place, and can I trust it, or is it
hostile, and I need to guard myself against it? We get frustrated when things
don’t play out the way we expect them to, and when people don’t behave like
they’re “supposed” to. When everyone and everything feels like it’s the
opposite of what we expect, believe or need, we get triggered — Anger,
Frustration, Arguments, Tears, Fear, Depression. This is where surrender can
support our mental and physical well-being, but only if we understand and
practice it. Surrender and its resulting calmness and serenity can be your
superpower but it won’t happen overnight.
Surrender does not mean giving up. Rather, it means we let
go of the notion that we should be able to or can manage the situation, that we
can control any of it. We give up the belief that we can make reality different
than what it is. As much as we are conditioned to never give up, in the case of
surrender giving up the mistaken belief that we are in charge offers a profound
relief.
What surrender IS: Every one of us at some point encounters
a situation that rocks the foundation of who we are and what we think we can
bear—something that pushes us past our limits. Sometimes it’s a situation we’ve
lived with for a long time and sometimes it’s a sudden event that overwhelms us
and for which our usual coping strategies are useless. While the content may
differ, what these experiences share is the power to bring us to our knees,
figuratively and often literally. Surrender does not change reality. It accepts
reality and believes that things will end up well, eventually and without my
supervision, and in ways that may be very different from what I want or think
or feel right now. It’s the invitation to peace and calm energy to our lives.
What surrender is NOT: Failure or defeat; Punishment, Not
caring; Easily accomplished without practice, A state we can will ourselves
into, Trying to force being ‘happy’ about what is, A final end, A bad thing.
When we face stressful situations, we are often encouraged
to calm or soothe ourselves with unhealthy choices — drinking alcohol, drugs,
acting out sexually, eating sugary snacks, smoking, etc. It’s easy to respond
to stress with unhealthy distractions. Pay attention to how you cope with
stress, and replace bad coping habits with healthy coping habits. Remember, you
can’t control how other people behave. You can’t control everything that
happens. What you can control is how you respond to it, if you can begin to
surrender and let calmness and serenity be your superpowers.
Fine. But those explanations and theories, even as I come to
understand them, don’t change how I’m feeling right now. What are
tangible things that I can start doing to actually make a difference?
- Get
comfortable with pausing. Take a few deep breaths. Try to stop imagining
the worst outcomes.
- Think
bigger. Most (not all) small things matter very little in the grand scheme
of life. Let those go even if just for right now. For those big things
that we can’t control, it’s time to hand them to our Higher Power.
- Respect
people’s differences; Seek to find compassion and putting yourself in
their shoes
- Try to
take things less personally. People rarely do things because of you; They
do things because of them.
- Create
proactive morning rituals that start your days right.
- DO NOT
scan your phone or social media or the news within an hour of your
bedtime!
- Create
evening rituals to reflect on the positive things that happened today. If
you owe an amends than can be given personally: add it to your morning
plans. If it’s to a stranger or situation that you will not see again,
then send it out via the Universe.
- Remind
yourself of what’s right (and create more of it in the world). My family
and I made it home safely from work and school today; My significant other
or a friend and I shared a laugh; Our meals filled our stomachs
today.
- Establish
and enforce healthy and reasonable boundaries. This may feel hard at first
because it feels a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you
know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen
masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you
can’t help others if you’re incapacitated.
- Practice
self-care!! Some days, you may only have the emotional strength to make
sure you are drinking plenty of water, taking a shower, eating healthy
food, getting some sleep. DO those things! On better days, do an activity
or hobby or something that brings you joy.
- Reserve
time for both solace and community with others. Take a walk in a green
space. Enjoy or find a hobby. Make a cup of green tea or a cappuccino and
sit quietly with your thoughts. Listen to some pleasant music. Write in
your journal. Talk it out with a friend. Come to a meeting of a support
group. You are not alone, even when recharging in solace and positive
reflection.
The point is to start coping using healthy choices and
alternatives. When we face stressful situations, our mind and body seek to calm
or soothe with unhealthy choices. Those are our mind and body trying to protect
us through distraction, escape, or numbing the pain, using old ways that we’ve
learned. They don’t resolve the conflict that’s causing the pain. They
potentially make it worse. We can re-learn. We can pay attention to how we cope
and replace bad coping habits with healthy coping habits.
“Being” this way takes practice, but it’s worth it. It
reduces frustrations, helps us be more mindful, improves relationships, lowers
stress, and allows us to make the immediate world around us be a slightly more
peaceful place. Let calmness and serenity be your superpower. Don’t
allow someone else’s behavior steal your happiness or turn you into someone you
aren’t.
Keep coming back. It works if you work it, so WORK IT,
YOU’RE WORTH IT!
https://www.laurakconnell.com/blog/surrender
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/let-go-of-control-how-to-learn-the-art-of-surrender/
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/control-vs-surrender-reflections-recovering-freak-olga-skalska