“Hey babe, sorry to bother you at work but can you cover
a couple of bills for me? I’m tight on cash again and my commission check
doesn’t come in until next month.”
An amalgamation of several articles, from multiple
authors, referenced at the end of these reflections.
You’re already feeling stressed about money and aren’t sure
what to do, but s/he needs you; Of course you’re wanting to help. Afterall,
what’s so wrong with helping others, especially people we are in love
with? Isn’t that what true partners are supposed to do? And
yet…secretly… you worry they’ll forget to pay you back, like before.
Before rushing to the rescue, think about what might be
going on at a deeper level. Trace the roots of this automatic response, whether
it’s old family dynamics or an innate need to be needed. Even if you know
you're a codependent, you may still be blind to its connection to money
problems. Codependency isn’t just about relationships or emotional
struggles; It can sneak into finances too.
Money conversations become particularly complex when our
relationships shape our financial decisions. The desire to maintain harmony in
relationships can lead to financial choices that don’t serve our best
interests. This pattern, known as financial codependency, can become a slippery
slope to our financial and emotional well-being.
Think about the parent who continues supporting their adult
child financially, despite their own dwindling financial resources. Or the
partner who takes on debt to maintain a lifestyle their significant other
expects, even though it causes them sleepless nights or money challenges
elsewhere. These aren’t just financial decisions – they’re manifestations of
relationship dynamics that have become entangled with money.
A related but somewhat opposite side of the same coin:
Are you struggling to support yourself financially? Do
you keep finding yourself back at home or living with people who are less than
good for your well-being? Do you have the common issue of people breaking
your boundaries or invading your space physically and or emotionally? Do
you want so badly to be in a safe, secure environment but you fear the
financial burden of supporting yourself?
Or, are you struggling with addiction, of any kind, which
eventually results in financial obligations falling by the wayside. The
addicted person may feel trapped and rely even more on the other person in the
relationship to support them financially. Compounding this issue is that
addiction takes a toll on work performance and leads to loss of income, which
can spiral into a progressively worsening addiction and codependency cycle.
Eventually the partner may make the difficult, painful decision to no longer
assume any responsibility for their loved one, leaving the addicted
person without an emotional or financial safety net and the two codependents
feeling even more abandoned.
Financial codependency means a relationship where someone
affects someone else’s finances.
When this persists, unmet expectations see resentment
growing on both sides.
The challenge lies in first recognizing these patterns, then
actually doing something about it. Caring for others and wanting to help is
natural and admirable. Doing so at the cost to one’s emotional, physical or
financial health is not. Consider these signs that your relationship might be
impacting your financial health:
Do you…
- Shield
your loved one from the consequences of their financial choices and
actions?
- Take a
back seat in decision making, to allow them to feel a sense of control
over a situation?
- Derive
part of your identity or satisfaction from people “needing” you?
- Repeatedly
lend or give money to your partner, friends or family?
- Use
your credit card to cover a loved one's unexpected “emergency” expenses?
- End up
paying your friend’s portion of the bill (again) because they can’t afford
it?
- Enable
bad behavior (addictions?) of others with your spending?
- Pay
your partner's half of the rent or utilities?
- Rack
up debt because they promise they’ll pay you back, but make little/no
effort to do so?
- Loan
money you can’t afford to spare?
- Avoid
financial discussions to keep the peace?
- Feel
responsible for others’ financial well-being?
- Allow
your financial goals take a back seat to others’ wants or needs?
- Struggle
or fear rejection from saying no to financial requests from loved ones?
- Splurge
or spend to try to please others or solve their problems?
- Spend
with the hope or expectation that it will make others more appreciative of
you?
If you can relate to at least three of the examples above,
you may be demonstrating codependent behavior, especially if you can connect
enough dots to begin to identify a pattern. Keep in mind, the pattern doesn't
necessarily have to be with the same people, and could be scattered throughout
different relationships in your life.
Start prioritizing your own needs over the needs of others
by becoming self-aware. Ask yourself why you're so compelled to give (or for
that other side of the coin, TAKE) so much. If it sounds like you're trying to
make up for something, then ask whether this is an attempt to fill a gap.
Breaking free from financial codependency involves:
- Setting
clear financial boundaries in relationships
- Taking
ownership of your financial responsibilities.
- Learning
to differentiate between healthy support and enabling
- Getting
comfortable with identifying and prioritizing your own needs over the
wants and needs of others
- Developing
confidence in your financial decisions by learning about personal
finances
- Communicating
openly about money with loved ones
- Prioritizing
your financial well-being alongside others’ needs
- Seeking
guidance from a therapist and participating in recovery groups; Building a
support network!
- Boundaries;
Boundaries; Boundaries!
It’s about finding the balance between caring for others and
maintaining your financial integrity. This doesn’t mean becoming selfish or
uncaring – rather, it’s about establishing healthy boundaries that allow both
you and your relationships to thrive. Yes, it takes time; but the payoff in
terms of financial independence and healthier relationships is worth it and
you’re worth it!
REFERENCES
https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/codependency-and-the-cost-of-living-the-financial-factor/
https://creativemoney.biz/codependency-messing-up-money/
https://codependencyrecovery.org/2024/07/06/the-hidden-money-issue-in-codependency/
https://www.wellsfaber.com/understanding-financial-codependency/
https://beyourmoneyhero.com/2023/10/12/when-love-costs-too-much-the-financial-toll-of-codependency/