In life, it's vital to build the skill of managing and
processing our emotions in healthy, measured ways. Emotions play an active and
important role in daily life. How we process them can be key to enduring our
sanity and sobriety, while also improving our quality of life. Feelings and
emotions are central to our well-being as living creatures. Feelings develop
from physiological and psychological responses, subjective impressions and
personal expression to experiences and behaviors. They include behaviors that
we’ve learned growing up, including behaviors from others
Feelings and emotions aren’t inherently bad or good.
However, the way in which we respond to them is critical in helping us stay on
track with the goals we set in life and recovery. If you’re finding that it’s a
challenge to always keep your feelings in check, know that you’re not alone.
When we fight with, criticize, shame, dismiss, or in any
other way reject feelings (our own or someone else’s), those feelings
actually grow stronger. It’s only when we stop hiding from or blaming ourselves
or others for having certain feelings, and just meet ourselves where we are at
that moment and give permission to feel how we feel, that we can start to be OK.
Experiencing an emotion is your body’s way of relaying
information to your consciousness. If you’re afraid, for example, the sensory
inputs around you might translate as harmful, and your brain may want you to
take action. This experience of feeling then causes a cascade of other
important processes that help you grow, learn, and ultimately survive.
If you feel out of touch with your emotions, one of the most
common reasons is associated with past life experiences and trauma
particularly, but not exclusively, from childhood where many of us were told
things such as, “Be quiet; Don’t cry; There’s nothing to be sad about; Quit
whining,” among other things. Some of us may have even experienced physical
punishment or abuse for expressing our feelings in childhood or adult
relationships. As a culture we are often taught that we should try to
avoid unpleasant emotions at all costs. Thus, for many, the primary impulse
when they are experiencing unpleasant emotions is to try to escape from those
feelings. That became fertile ground for addiction, codependency and
insecurity. The escape or fix came from numbing or perfectionism or other ways
of escaping the feelings. At the time, those escapes may have been our survival
tools and what literally saved our lives. But numbing, whether via behavioral,
physical, sexual or chemical means, does not give us long term sustainability.
Busy-ness, perfectionism, food, alcohol, drugs, compulsive sex, or a variety of
other self-harming behaviors are only a progressively more needy defense
mechanism that always lead to more problems which become increasingly much more
dangerous to quality of life and safety.
When we numb sadness or fear, we also numb happiness and
joy. When we fight or deny our feelings, it’s akin to putting a Band-Aid on a
gaping wound. It might make us feel better temporarily, but these behaviors do
not “fix” the underlying problem. NOT feeling is more dangerous and destructive
than feeling.
Experiencing our emotions and being vulnerable with people
that we can trust and feel safe with is how we heal and move through painful
experiences. It’s not going to change what we experienced; It’s going to
change how we are now responding, both to the past and to similar
present or future experiences.
OK, so how do I deal with my feelings, particularly if
it’s from past events or experiences? It is not an overnight process. But
we didn’t get here overnight either. Our feelings are driven by complex
connections in our mind and body. Those tangled nervous system connections,
sometimes idled for long periods of time, can become electrified by a
triggering event and memory. The goal is not to erase the memory or deny the
experience. We can’t go back in time and change what happened. The goal is to
detoxify the pain and prevent continued harm from the painful or otherwise
difficult feelings.
SOME STARTEGIES TO GET US STARTED
- TALK
ABOUT FEELINGS!!
- 12-step
or other recovery groups, where you can share and interact with others
that may be experiencing similar feelings. Codependents Anonymous (CoDA)
or addiction-specific groups are an incredible place to find others that
can share their stories and recovery. Although everyone responds
differently to difficult events, it ultimately becomes unsustainable to
withhold everything you are feeling. When we begin talking about our
feelings to others, we develop a sense of emotional intimacy.
Sometimes just an initial share of your feelings and experiences with a
friend or trusted person will open a door for both of you to support each
other in a non-judgmental environment.
- Write
out your feelings / Journaling
- You
can journal or just jot it down on your phone or a notebook. Take a
moment to write down the emotion — negative, positive, or somewhere in
between — and why it affected you. Even if you don’t do anything with it
immediately, it can help you later identify patterns that you may want to
take a deeper look into.
- Meditate
- During
times of stress, mindfulness meditation can be an incredibly calming
experience. Even if time doesn’t allow you to engage in full practice,
you can still take several deep breaths while repeating a favorite
positive affirmation. This will also work to settle your emotions.
- Lean
in and accept your emotions / Be gentle with yourself
- If
you’re feeling sad, allow yourself to cry instead of holding back tears.
If you’re feeling happy, smile and let others know. The sooner you
acknowledge the feeling, the sooner you can move through it. You can’t
wave a magic wand and change your negative thoughts to positive ones, but
you can take steps to recognize, acknowledge, and move on from negative
narratives.
- Change
the information you’re surrounding yourself with
- If
we fill our mind up with poor thoughts, it can impact how we feel and
then how we will treat ourselves and others. Check out podcasts, books,
articles and YouTube videos that have positive messages or you can relate
to in some way. If you are constantly reading the news or social media
and it’s bringing you down or triggering challenging feelings, start to
wean yourself off of those media. Replace them with listening to music or
reading a book!
- Reach
out for professional help
- Talking
with a mental health professional can help get in touch with our emotions
— especially if we’re finding this difficult on our own or just with
friends or family members. A therapist will help with guided practices
and therapy that’s designed to dig deep into our present awareness and
unconscious mind. Therapies such as EMDR and DBT, among others, help
identify and move beyond the ‘gunk’ in our past that may be continuing to
negatively impact our present and future.
It’s an act of love to sit down with our (or someone else’s)
feelings and let those feelings out, knowing that in our company, we’re all
safe and welcome and there will be no judgement or criticism or abandonment.
There are few things so kind as to let someone (including yourself) know that
you accept and maybe even understand why we or they feel how we do. This one
small but infinitely generous offering is what we all really crave; it’s an
ultimate intimacy and love. Keep coming back. It works if you work it,
so work it, you’re worth it!
Reference articles:
https://www.technologyreview.com/2014/06/17/172310/the-importance-of-feelings/
https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-are-feelings-important#addressing-emotions
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2723854/
https://www.medicinenet.com/what_are_the_7_basic_types_of_feelings_emotions/article.htm
https://covenanthillstreatment.com/managing-emotions-during-addiction/
https://r1learning.com/blog/2019/6/21/8-core-emotions-nn44l
https://wexnermedical.osu.edu/blog/why-its-important-to-feel-all-of-your-feelings