It’s frustrating to realize that things that happened in the past still affect me. “That happened years ago! I thought I was over it. Why can’t I let go of that person or past relationship? Why am I still feeling or acting this way? Why do I continue to punish myself for previous transgressions? Why do I keep doing the same or similar unhealthy things? Why do I keep wrapping myself in a blanket of shame?"
Past trauma, whether associated with relationships or incidents, can have long-lasting impacts. At times it can feel like you will never recover from it. And this can be discouraging. We might feel too scared or ashamed to talk about it. But ignoring or otherwise avoiding addressing it means it will continue to haunt us. Some unrelated thought or discussion, some sound, sight, or smell, something will trigger a memory and bring back trauma of that past.
The truth is, it’s normal to have trouble moving past unpleasant things that have happened to us. Nothing is wrong with you—you’re just learning how to cope with challenging feelings.
While we all have a past, those of us with complex trauma have a haunting past. And when triggered, it can be like reliving our worst days over and over again despite what is actually happening in the present moment. We can be caught off guard by a feeling of apprehension that we might not even be able to put our finger on. If it seems that life is not moving forward, that we will never get where we are going, and that we don’t really even know where that is, then it’s time to bring awareness to what is happening within us, so that we can begin to make movements forward.
Calling it “trauma” might feel like overkill—but trauma comes in all shapes and sizes. Anything that has a lasting emotional impact can be traumatic. Trauma has lasting effects on the brain. If you are a survivor of trauma, one or more of these things will likely be familiar to you:
Flashbacks: Emotions triggered by something that puts you in a state of mind that relives that event or relationship.
Wanting or trying to retry the past to create a different outcome: You unconsciously believe you need to repeat the past to resolve it. I am not suggesting you are walking through life with a desire to re-live pain. Nobody wants that. But we all have a very active unconscious mind that can be filled with unwarranted self-blame. Combine that with the fact that we all have at least one inner child who wants to figure out what they did wrong. So, unconsciously we choose situations that repeat the past in an attempt to figure out what went wrong, so we can do something differently this time. This never works because you didn’t do anything wrong. The abusers from your past were never going to give you what you needed. And the abusers in the current moment aren’t either.
You think that numbness is better than feeling. If you experienced trauma in the past, particularly in childhood, the emotions would have overwhelmed you. You could not have resolved that trauma and expressed those emotions as you needed. You likely also found a way to numb out. To hide. To lessen the pain. Numbing out is a survival tool and it may have indeed helped you to survive. But numbing, whether via emotional, physical, sexual, or chemical means, does not give you long-term sustainability. Worse yet, numbing is a progressively more needy defense mechanism that always leads to more problems which increasingly becomes more dangerous to your quality of life and safety.
You are distracted by perfectionism and the need for approval. When your inner world is tumultuous, you may have moved your focus to the external world. You may believe you can resolve the pain of past losses by gaining approval from the outside world. You may build up a perfect mask with a perfect life, but it always feels like a fight. You are fighting against the inner turmoil from an unresolved past while trying to show the world that you are fine, maybe better than fine. But you exhaust yourself with external things instead of exploring and healing your inner world.
You believe you are not worthy of more in life. A lack of worthiness is one of the most common blocks to a good and purposeful life. It is shrouded in futility and it tells you not to bother. If you don’t deserve it, there is no point in trying, so you stop yourself before you even try. While you may try to hide or power through this feeling with perfectionism, it is always there blocking those daring steps you know you want to take.
You feel powerless. The futility of powerlessness is an incredibly common reaction to a childhood of trauma. And it is there for all of us to some degree. If you believe you don’t have the power to manifest what you want, you won’t start. But this powerlessness comes from childhood when you really didn’t have power. It is an emotional flashback that doesn’t apply to today. You will only become unstuck when you take time to question the powerless thoughts that come up when you try to take a powerful step.
Blaming yourself for the past: Do you feel or tell yourself things like: “I wasted years in the wrong relationship; I wasted years in the wrong career; Instead of pursuing life-changing opportunities, I hesitated out of fear or because I didn’t think I was good enough or that I deserved better.” Your feelings and experiences are valid. Our experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves. We like to feel like we’re in control. So, when something outside our control happens, it’s often easier to blame ourselves. We become overly critical of ourselves. And we may start to think, “If only I had been stronger, this wouldn’t have happened to me.” We end up feeling like the problem is with us, when really the problem is what has happened to us.
How to heal and move on
To move on from the past, it’s important to start with creating a strong foundation for healing:
Give yourself some credit. If you’ve realized there’s a problem, you’re halfway to solving it! Rather than asking, "What’s wrong with me?”, consider reframing it to, “How awesome that I keep going, even though I have faced such scary situations?”
Get support. Find a support group, online or in person. Groups can help find friends who understand. Find a therapist to guide you in healing, particularly if you are dealing with complex trauma.
Practice mindfulness. Set aside some quiet time each day to simply notice thoughts and feelings, without applying judgment. Be kind and accepting of your wandering mind. Start writing down the small positive things you notice each day. Practice gratitude and affirmations. Have one highlight per day to focus on, something you enjoy. Create a functional daily routine.
Be easy on yourself. Whatever you are feeling is normal to feel. Many other people have had the feelings you are having, particularly given similar circumstances and experiences. If you don’t believe that, you can search online for stories of people who have had similar experiences. And the more you begin to open up to trusted people, the more you will realize that you’re not alone!
Take one situation at a time. Rather than trying to solve your whole life, start with one specific issue. This often includes looking at how your current thoughts and emotions are tied to your experiences and how these thoughts and feelings are impacting your current reactions and relationships.
Identify what’s triggering you. Is it something you can avoid? Do you need to talk it out with someone? Is there something you need to do or have someone do for you to heal? Do you need to focus on changing the negative thoughts you’ve adopted, finding courage or safety?
Yes, it’s a process over time. You will take positive steps forward, and you will also occasionally take a step backward. But you are moving forward overall and it’s not a race… Don’t rush it! It takes what it takes. Just by being in this group or by reading this, you’re taking steps toward facing and healing from your past trauma.
It works if you work it, so work it. You’re worth it!