How to Stop Being Controlling

Manage your anxiety and put an end to your controlling behavior

Adopted and adapted from an article by Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquering-codependency/202103/how-stop-being-controlling

Are you a controlling person? If so, you’re not alone. But before we delve into how to stop being so controlling, let’s talk about what it means to be controlling and why we act in these ways.

Signs that I’m controlling (despite having the best intentions)

• I want (need?) to know what, how, and when something is happening, particularly within my intimate relationships but also with family, friends, or work. 
• I over-plan and get upset when things don’t go according to my plan.
• I can obsess over even insignificant details.
• I think there’s only one right way to do something.
• I tend to be critical of others.
• I (sometimes unknowingly) boss people around or micromanage.
• I have unrealistic or impossibly high standards.
• I want to make plans & decisions so that things are done my way (which I believe is the only right way).
• I dislike change (unless I’m the one initiating it).
• I don’t like surprises.
• I feel anxious or angry when I don’t know what’s going to happen when things don’t go according to plan, when I can’t complete a task the way I want, or when others make “bad” choices.
• I have trouble trusting people.

Why are people controlling?

Controlling behaviors often stem from anxiety and fear. When things feel out of control, it’s natural to want to control them and the situation in order to feel safe (or happy or content). Perhaps we even rationalize that it’s to keep others safe or to do something for them, not me. But of course, we can’t control other people and situations. So, our efforts ultimately don’t make us feel better. In fact, controlling behaviors usually create problems in our relationships and make us feel more frustrated and stressed out. (Being extremely controlling of anyone may also be an attempt to have power over others and can be considered abusive.)

Controlling and perfectionism

Controlling is a common feature of codependency, a result of growing up in families where things were unpredictable, scary, or out of control. Controlling is also closely related to perfectionism (also rooted in anxiety and fear). Perfectionists crave (need?) predictability; They’re risk-averse, they want to know they can succeed at something before they try it, they’re rigid and anxious, and they’re typically demanding and critical of both themselves and others. They may feel a lack of control in their personal lives, so they overly express control in their work environment, often alienating their colleagues, and then wonder why it feels like no one wants to work with them or be a team player.

Some perfectionists try to control themselves and hold themselves to impossibly high standards (For example: I must get an A+ on every assignment, or I struggle with disordered eating and body image). Others focus just on controlling others and hold others to impossibly high standards (nagging, criticizing). And some of us do both.

How to stop being controlling

Challenge the fear. Since controlling behaviors are fueled by fear, we need to understand exactly what we’re afraid of and determine if it’s realistic:

    What are you afraid will (or won’t) happen if you can’t control this situation or person?

• Are you catastrophizing or expecting the worst, whether for them or for you?
• What are the chances that this bad thing will really happen?
• If the outcome is not as you want or expect, is it really the ‘end of the world?’

Often, we exaggerate both how bad the outcome will be and how likely it is to happen. But sometimes bad things will happen and there’s little we can do about it. We need only accept what’s truly in our control.

Practice acceptance. It’s in our best interest to accept that we can only control ourselves. Doing so frees us from the stress and responsibility of making sure everyone and everything goes perfectly. But this is hard to do when we want control and feel anxious about letting go of control or outcomes.

Staying mindful and noticing what’s going on in this moment helps keep you from thinking too much about the past or future. You can do this with a formal mindfulness practice like meditation or by simply using all of your senses to purposefully tune into the present moment. You may also want to remind yourself that controlling doesn’t work.

• What’s truly in your control? What isn’t?
• What problems do your controlling behaviors cause?
• How else can you cope with your fears?
• How can you stay present-focused?

Practice being flexible. Also, try to notice all-or-nothing thinking, which tells you that your way is the best and only way. Most of the time, there’s more than one good way to do things. At the same time, stay focused on the problems that are truly yours to solve. Solving everyone’s problems isn’t possible and it often causes us (and them) more stress and damaged relationships.

When we stop trying to control other people, we choose to trust that they can make good decisions; If they can’t, those aren’t our problems to solve. You can’t force someone to meet their responsibilities, but it is both okay and healthy to put distance from them if they don’t. Accepting that we can’t control everyone and everything is essential to our happiness, as is recognizing that we don’t have to be responsible for everyone else. We don’t have to burden ourselves with the pressure to always be “right” and in control. Detaching from other people’s problems isn’t uncaring; Service and helping others is part of a healthy practice but only when balanced with also allowing people to figure things out for themselves, which is a loving and trusting act.

Try a mantra. Changing our thoughts and behaviors takes practice. We naturally and unconsciously want to drift back to our old ways. A mantra can help you keep your goals front and center:

• I don’t need to control everything.
• I can tolerate uncertainty.
• I can only control myself.
• My way isn’t the only way.
• I will respect other people’s choices and boundaries!

Try using one of these or create your own. Read or write your mantra a few times per day to reinforce it. Most of all, try to be patient with yourself. Change is a process and you’re asking a lot of yourself.