The term co-dependency has been around for decades and although it was first applied to alcoholics, in time researchers found out that a person who was raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent or partner could also be co-dependent. Researchers also found that co-dependent symptoms got worse if left untreated.
Although originally co-dependency described an unhealthy pattern of coping adopted by someone who was closely involved with a chemically dependent person, the label "co-dependent" was gradually preferred for its greater inclusiveness. Experts in the treatment field started realizing that other problems, such as overeating, gambling and sex / love addiction (among others), paralleled the illness of alcoholism, and could affect relationships in a similar fashion.
Co-dependents become dependent on other people in unhealthy ways, even though they might do fine on their own. The degree of co-dependency varies on a spectrum. Some experts consider co-dependency a disease and addiction because, like alcoholism, the behavior is compulsive and worsens over time if untreated. It progresses through stages of degeneration and regeneration during its decline and recovery. Codependency is found in almost all addicts, though most co-dependents are not addicts.
Co-dependency is a learned behavior. Co-dependency is connected not just to addiction but to various types of chronic relationship stressors. Research suggests that those stressors create fertile ground to grow into anxiously related people who then begin to engage in dysfunctional relationships in an attempt to gain a sense of value and self-worth.
Symptoms of co-dependency and being in a co-dependent
- Low self-esteem (the person feels that he/she is not good enough or comparing himself/herself to others; what such persons actually feel is that They are unlovable or inadequate; feelings of shame and guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem)
- People-pleasing (co-dependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Because some co-dependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone, they go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people)
- Poor boundaries. (Blurry or weak boundaries. Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.)
- Reactivity. (A consequence of poor boundaries is to react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings.)
- Caretaking and poor boundaries. (Wanting to help to the point of not caring for oneself).
- Control. (Control helps co-dependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. For co-dependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings)
- Dysfunctional communication. (Co-dependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs).
- Obsessions (Due to their anxieties and fear, co-dependents have a tendency to spend much of their time thinking about other people or relationships).
- Dependency (Co-dependents need other people to like them in order to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own).
- Denial. (Common. Codependents are in denial; not only about facing their problem, but also about their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling.)
- Problems with intimacy. (They often experience sexual compulsion or unhealthy sexual behaviors, thoughts or feelings and find it difficult to be open and close with someone in an intimate relationship).
- Painful emotions. (Co-depends tend to experience stress and painful or complex emotions: shame and low self-esteem, fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; feeling trapped by being close or being alone, anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair).
A person with co-dependent tendencies may find themselves in an emotionally or physically intimate relationship with a person who has an addiction or other issues that cause them to be emotionally unavailable. Their partner or they themselves may be workaholics or develop some other compulsive behavior to avoid the feeling of emptiness in the relationship. Co-dependents frequently embody characteristics of love addiction.
Signs & symptoms of love addiction
- Always craving and searching for a romantic partner
- Choosing a partner who is non-committal or emotionally unavailable
- Trying to re-create the ‘honeymoon’ phase of a relationship and inability to maintain a relationship once this is phase is over
- Constantly feeling desperate and afraid that a partner will leave
- Choosing a romantic partner over family, friends, work, school, hobbies and interests
- Compromising your values or beliefs in order to keep a significant other
- When single, constantly using sex and fantasies as a means to avoid loneliness
- Choosing partners who are abusive, demanding or require caretaking
Love Addiction, like co-dependency can also be healed. The first step is to address the major issue, that is the lack of love. Not a lack of love for others, but love for oneself. The first step to ending a toxic relationship starts with the self. Establishing a daily practice of self-love is key to being able to walk away from a relationship that is harming you.
Healing
Among the interventions that proved their efficacy to treat co-dependency, the cognitive-behavioral therapies gained their rank both in Western cultures and in European ones. In cognitive treatment of co-dependency, the focus is placed on changing the person’s cognition about themselves and others and making new cognitions. Improvement of one’s cognition can change and improve co-dependent behaviors.
Since co-dependency is a learned behavior, the theory is that it can be unlearned. If you love your partner and want to keep the relationship, you need to heal yourself first and foremost. That’s not to offer a guarantee that the relationship will survive, because in reality, the result is often the realization that one is indeed in an unhealthy relationship in which the healthiest outcome is that those people go their separate ways.
Steps to start healing:
- Taking a start in being honest with the other person or intimate partner. Being honest in one’s communication and in expressing your own needs and desires.
- Work on negative thinking and errors in thinking
- Learn not to take things personally. It takes a lot of work for a co-dependent person not to take things personally, especially when in an intimate relationship. Accepting the other as they are without trying to fix or change them is an important step.
- Putting in practice the process of socializing. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from your partner. It is healthy to have friendships outside of your partnership. Going out with friends brings us back to our center, reminding us of who we really are.
- Professional therapy. A therapist serves as an unbiased third party. They can point out co-dependent tendencies and actions between the two that they may not be aware of.
- Peer support. Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) helps people break free of their co-dependent behavior patterns.
- Establish boundaries. Those who struggle with co-dependency often have trouble with boundaries. We do not know where our needs begin or where the other’s end. We often thrive off guilt and feel bad when we do not put the other first.
- Self-Care. In a healthy relationship, both people have fully formed identities outside of their time together. They each bring unique attributes to the table—creating a partnership that allows both of them to grow and thrive.
- Love addiction can easily develop into sex or pornography addiction and put you in significant physical and legal risks. If you feel your love addiction may have already started to progress, it is important to engage professional help from certified and highly trained clinical professionals.
- Shift your focus to include self-care. For example: Use self-mantras, repeated daily (whether you believe them or not) to start altering entrenched false beliefs and brain patterns.
- “I am a lovable, fallible, and still valuable human being”
- “I deserve to be happy”
- “I am capable”
- “I am enough”
- “I am worthy of love”
- “I accept and love myself fully even with my imperfections”
- Combat Co-dependency with independence.
- Pick up or rekindle a hobby
- Joining a fitness class or interest group
- Have at least one night with friends a week
- Be Prepared for relationship withdrawal. Symptoms can include insomnia, anxiety, depression, and nausea, among others. This is normal! Prepare for this by creating the proper supports that can come in the form of friends and family or professional help, support groups and just giving yourself the grace of time.
Co-dependency is a big factor in addiction, and it can come from the person who is addicted or their partner or both. Co-dependency is an emotional and behavioral issue that causes a person to be incapable of having a mutually satisfying, healthy relationship. A co-dependent partner will often stick by their partner no matter how unhealthy the relationship becomes for either person. Relationships can be one of the major triggers contributing to seeking numbing or otherwise escaping through unhealthy behaviors that can unconsciously evolve into addictions. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. A healthy you is a critical foundation to a healthy relationship with anyone else.
Adapted and adopted from:
VLAICU, Claudia and HAID, Felicia Aurica. April 2020. “.CO-DEPENDENCY IN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP-A
LEARNED BEHAVIOUR.” International Journal of Theology, Philosophy and Science, Vol 6, Page 82-89
https://www.ifiasa.com/_files/ugd/378e6f_f2556d74876249ca9bb85377fa8e7dfc.pdf