Too often people overestimate the significance of one big defining moment and underestimate the value of making good decisions and small steps of progress on a daily basis.
Adopted and adapted from an article by Angel Chernoff
You’re probably familiar with what’s known as the Serenity
Prayer. It goes like this:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
There’s an important lesson here — one that’s very often
glossed over: When a chaotic reality is swirling around us, we often try to
relieve our anxiety by exerting our will over external things we cannot
control. It helps us stave off one of the most dreaded feelings: complete
powerlessness.
With that in mind, I have good news and bad news. The bad
news is that, generally speaking, almost everything is outside your control.
What other people do, whether it will rain tomorrow, whether or not your
efforts will be appreciated — all of these outcomes depend on factors that
aren’t YOU.
But that’s also the good news. The friction and frustration
created by trying to change things you cannot change is the crucible where a
ton of unhappiness is born. Accepting that most things are outside your
influence gives you explicit permission to let them unfold as they may.
Stoic philosopher Epictetus put it this way: “Some things
are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit,
desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in
our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever
are not our actions.”
Overcoming the “three big un’s” that so many of us struggle
with daily — unhappiness, unconvinced things will ever change, unsure what to
do next — begins with understanding what you can control and what you cannot.
The mental shift here is not easy. Most of us have spent a
lifetime worrying about things that we can’t control. Society practically
encourages this. For most, it’s a bona fide habit — one that should be replaced
with a healthy understanding of how much we can actually change. Again though,
it’s hard to get your mind wrapped around all this when you’re constantly
hearing…
“Why don’t you just get over it?” or “Just let it go.”
We’ve all heard some flavor of this advice before. And it
passes the sniff test, to a certain extent. I mean, “time heals all wounds,”
right? Well, yes… sort of. But wounds heal differently depending on how they’re
treated.
Left alone, a gash in your skin will leave a large scar and
be vulnerable to injury again in the future. This is why we get stitches — it
helps the wound heal in a way that limits the chance of re-injury down the
road. Emotional wounds work the same way. Given enough time, most emotional
pain will diminish — that’s true.
But… Just “Getting Over It” Leaves Scars
In the emotional sense, scars equal baggage — baggage we
carry with us into every aspect of our lives. These scars grow and accumulate
until one day you wake up suffering from one or more of the “three un’s”
(unhappiness, unconvinced things will ever change, unsure what to do next).
So, don’t get over it. Go through it, one step at a time.
Honestly, I understand the desire to “get over” difficult experiences or
situations rather than facing them. Revisiting painful memories or facing our
present demons is really, really hard. And we as human beings are hard-wired to
not cause ourselves pain.
However, as we may have learned along our life journey,
ignoring a problem rarely makes it go away. And in addition to the scars, to
ignore or downplay a wound puts you at risk for infection, emotionally as well
as physically. Unresolved issues in your life take up residence in your mind
and influence your decisions, your relationships, and your attitudes. They rob
you of your happiness and potential.
Of course, doing the hard yet necessary things to resolve
your issues and heal your wounds can feel impossible. Some of our life trauma
can make it feel nearly impossible to move anywhere significant and feeling we
didn’t have the strength to push forward.
So, if you’re feeling this way — like it’s impossible to
make significant progress today — you aren’t wrong for feeling what you feel.
In many cases, you’re right: Significant progress comes gradually with time and
consistency. It’s all about taking one tiny positive step at a time, and
staying the course.
Consider the power of tiny changes. Think about the fact
that it only takes a one degree change in temperature to convert water to
vapor, or ice to water. It’s such a tiny change — just one step in a different
direction — and yet the results are dramatic. A tiny change can make all the
difference in the world.
Another example where a tiny change is compounded by time
and distance. Perhaps you’re trying to travel somewhere specific, but you’re
off course by just one tiny degree in the wrong direction…
- After
one mile, you would be off course by over 92 feet.
- If you
were trying to travel from San Francisco to Washington, D.C., you would
land near Baltimore, Maryland, over 42 miles away from your desired
destination.
- Traveling
around the world from Washington, D.C. back to Washington D.C., you’d miss
by 435 miles and end up landing near Boston instead.
- In a
spaceship traveling to the moon, a one-degree error would have you missing
the moon by over 4,100 miles.
You get the idea — over time and distance, a mere one-degree
change in course makes a significant difference…
This same philosophy holds true in various aspects of our
lives. The tiniest and most fundamental things we do each day — positive and
negative alike — can make all the difference. They either bring us closer or
farther away from where we ultimately want to be. And yet, we mostly ignore
this reality. We default to behaving as if our daily actions won’t ever be
significant enough. Or, again, we try to exert control over the bigger things
we have no control over.
Think about it…
- How
many people uphold unhealthy and unproductive habits?
- How
many people wait around and procrastinate on the next positive step?
- How
many people live every day of their lives moving one degree away
from where they ultimately want to be?
Don’t be one of them!
Truth be told, everyone travels 24 hours a day, whether
they’re moving in the right direction or not. How much richer would your life
be if you committed yourself to making just one degree of effort toward
improving something about your situation each day?
And even though it will surely be harder than doing nothing,
it doesn’t even have to be anything that hard. You just need to muster up the
courage to break free from the status quo and take one small, fundamental step
forward today, and then do it again tomorrow. Pick something tiny and
productive to improve upon, and then make it a daily habit.
It won’t be long before you will start seeing the change in
your life.