Do your needs take a backseat to your partner’s needs or do you both consider each other’s needs in meaningful ways? Knowing this can help you build a healthy relationship.
Adopted and adapted from an article by Kurt Smith, PsyD,
LMFT, LPCC, AFC
https://psychcentral.com/lib/codependency-vs-interdependency#recap
Is your relationship codependent or interdependent? To
answer this, consider the following statements:
- “I
need you. I can’t live without you. You complete me.”
- “I
want you. We make a great team. I’m glad you’re my partner.”
Which expression of love and affection would you rather
hear? Which do you think is an accurate reflection of your relationship?
If your answer was the first statement, you may be in a
codependent relationship. If you chose the second statement, then your
relationship may be interdependent.
One of the key elements of creating an emotionally stable
and healthy relationship is knowing the difference between interdependence and
codependence. What’s the difference between codependency and interdependency?
Shouldn’t I want someone to feel like they can’t live without me and that I
complete them?
Not necessarily. Let’s start by clarifying the difference
between codependent and interdependent.
Most of us can either relate to codependency personally or
have at least heard of it. The term is typically used as a negative to describe
an unhealthy dynamic within any relationship, romantic or otherwise. For the
purpose of this reading, we are specifically talking about romantic
relationships, however many of the principles equally apply to any relationship
with others, family for example. Codependency is typically present in
alcohol, drug or sex addictions, but to be clear, most codependents are not addicts;
However, most addicts are codependent or are involved in a relationship with a
codependent person.
Some examples of a codependent relationship:
- Your
sense of self-worth and self-esteem comes from outside yourself —
primarily from your partner or other relationships (families can produce
codependent relationships as well).
- Your
mood, emotions, and decision-making ability are governed by the feelings,
behavior, or responses of your partner.
- You
neglect your own personal needs or desires to please and fulfill those of
your partner.
Some examples of an interdependent relationship:
- You’re
two autonomous individuals who make a choice to be together.
- You
find personal fulfillment through your own interests and accomplishments
as well as the relationship.
- You
love and support one another while respecting boundaries between you two.
Key features of codependent couples
Many couples slip into codependency without even realizing
it. When you begin a relationship, you naturally want to spend time together
and please one another. Sometimes these desires cross a line (boundary), and
partners lose their individuality in the relationship, becoming overly focused
and dependent upon the other. Left unchecked, this dynamic can change from
healthy to unbalanced and unhealthy. In other words, it becomes codependent.
Common signs of a codependent relationship include:
- Needing
to get permission before you make plans with friends, which is different
from notifying your partner of a desire to see friends
- Blaming
your partner if you feel unhappy or dissatisfied in any way
- Wanting
to know what your partner thinks before you voice or even form an opinion
- Worrying
about how to make your partner happy, and considering that far more
important than making yourself happy, including sexual behaviors that may
not be agreeable.
- Always
being together because one partner finds being apart to be
distressing
In a codependent relationship, your identity may be defined
by your relationship and partner.
Key features of interdependent couples
- Interdependent
relationships have a different profile altogether. In a well-balanced
relationship, you’re more likely to see the following characteristics:
- Clearly
defined, mutual and respected interpersonal and sexual boundaries between
partners.
- Individuality
in thoughts, beliefs, and pursuits — but not at the exclusion of your
partner.
- Recognition
of what it means to be a whole person and not just half a couple.
- A
continual effort to practice healthy communication and respect for one
another.
- A
sense of security in your ability to strengthen the relationship or work
with the other to face relationship evolution including challenges.
A recent study found that couples in interdependent
relationships gained strength from knowing that they could each live their own
lives and pursue personal goals with the support and encouragement of their
partner.
Can you change your relationship from codependent to
interdependent?
So, what can you do if your relationship seems codependent?
Can you change it and turn it into an interdependent relationship? Yes. But it
takes some work.
Moving your relationship from one of codependence to
interdependence can feel uncomfortable at first, and possibly even scary. You
may feel like your relationship will fall apart and you’ll lose your partner if
you express something that s/he may have a differing view of. But taking a
chance by making positive changes that may make your relationship healthier and
longer-lasting may be worth it in the end. Those changes will involve each
partner individually and the relationship as a whole.
You can begin the process by opening a channel of
communication on the subject. Try to talk with one another about the state of
dependency in your relationship.
Then, you can talk openly about the changes that may be
required and how they’ll benefit the relationship. This can be a difficult
subject, particularly for those who experience codependency. But it can go a
long way in helping and strengthening the relationship.
Consider the following tips for creating more
interdependence in your relationship. It’s crucial to discuss each one openly
with your partner, defining why you want to take this step and how it may
benefit the relationship:
- Recognize
your own behaviors that contribute to codependence in your relationship,
then try to take responsibility for changing them.
- Make a
list of what makes you happy. Not you as a couple — just you. Consider
discussing in a kind and open way, allowing your partner to ask questions
freely. Try to define why these activities are enjoyable and how they can
benefit the relationship.
- Find
your inner “no.” There’s a fine line between trying to enjoy and support
your partner’s desires and interests and feeling like you must do what
they want all the time. It’s OK to say no to things.
- Practice
making your own choices without the feedback or permission of your
partner.
- Make a
concerted effort to spend more time with friends outside the relationship.
Doing this is fulfilling and also creates a perspective that may help
improve your relationship.
If you want to change the dynamic and create a healthy
relationship, both of you will need to actively respect the independence and
boundaries of the other. If you and your partner find it difficult to discuss
your relationship honestly, consider reaching out to a mental health
professional that specializes in relationship and family counseling.
Let’s recap
- Codependency
is when one partner's needs are put above the other, while interdependency
is when both partners' needs are equally important.
- Changing
unhealthy relationship dynamics isn’t always easy. It can sometimes seem
impossible.
- Partners
can have different perspectives on the state of their relationship in some
cases. This could mean that one partner may be resistant to change.
- If you
need additional help, consider seeking the help of a mental health
professional specializing in relationship counseling.
Change can happen. Sometimes it’s just a matter of taking
the blinders off and making the effort. Regardless of the ease or difficulty of
changing, the relationship on the other side of the effort will be a healthier
one. And the partners, too.
See chart: https://startmywellness.com/wellness-blog/the-difference-between-codependency-and-interdependence/