There’s something to be said for slow and steady progress. But there’s also something to be said for decisive and sweeping action. When it comes to negative social habits, there’s no time like today to quit cold turkey. Of course, that’s a lot easier said than done, but with practice we can do better almost immediately.
Adopted and adapted from an article by Angel Chernoff
https://www.marcandangel.com/2023/08/02/9-negative-social-habits-to-quit-today/
We’ve all acted in negative, damaging ways to the people around us at one time or another. None of us are immune to occasional negative mood swings. But that doesn’t excuse what we do to each other habitually. One of the most significant realizations is the fact that most problems in relationships (both intimate and platonic) arise from the same basic negative habits and behavioral issues. Here are some not-so-healthy behaviors for you to consider, to catch yourself and course-correct when necessary…
1. Giving the silent treatment
Tuning out, ignoring, disengaging, refusing to acknowledge, etc. All variations of the silent treatment don’t just remove the other person from the disagreement or argument you’re having with them, it ends up removing them emotionally, from the relationship you have with them. Truly, when you’re purposely ignoring someone, you’re really teaching them to live without you. If that’s what you want, be clear about it. And if not, reengage with them in a constructive way.
2. Seeking attention by complaining
We all need to share our troubles with friends or strangers from time to time, but don’t fall into the habit of turning conversations into your own personal dumping ground. It’s an easy way to get attention, but it’s a poor way to keep it, and focusing on the negative is a poor way to view and live your life.
3. Using disagreements as an excuse to condemn someone’s entire character
Complaints are OK. Disagreements are OK too. These are natural and honest reactions to a person’s decisions or behavior. But when complaints and disagreements spiral attacks on the person, and not on their decisions or behavior, this spells trouble. For example: “What a selfish person; They can’t seem to even call me when they said they would” The bottom line here is that there’s a big difference between who someone is and what they sometimes do.
4. Focusing on the inner monologue instead of the actual dialogue
“How should I respond to what they’re saying right now? What can I say that will sound smart and clever? I really hope they think I’m intelligent. Wait… what did they just ask me?” Stay focused on the other person’s words and points. People rarely mind when you say, “Hmm, let me think about that…” It shows that you’re taking the conversation seriously. If you compose your answers while someone else is speaking, you’re really only having half a conversation, and it’s often quite obvious.
5. Using subtle or hateful gestures as a substitute for actual communication
Frequent name-calling, eye-rolling, belittling, mockery, childish threats, rude teasing, etc. In whatever form, gestures like these are poisonous to a relationship because they convey disrespect or hate. And it’s virtually impossible to resolve a relationship problem, or develop a relationship in any way, when the other person is constantly receiving messages of disrespect or hate.
6. Multitasking while engaging with people
Even if you are a professional multitasker, if you’re talking to someone, talk to them and that’s it. Don’t browse online, don’t watch TV, don’t scroll through social media, etc. If you really don’t have the time to talk, be honest and find another time, or cut it short. The bottom line is that there’s no greater gift of kindness, and no greater expression of caring that you can offer, than your undivided time and attention.
7. De-emphasizing compliments, or fishing for more of them, with self-effacing remarks
“Oh, I look terrible today” — after someone compliments you. “I just threw it together at the last minute” — when you obviously dressed up. “I’m really not good at things like this” — when the people you’re with say you are. Don’t do this to yourself and others. It’s not flattering or helpful behavior. By making self-effacing comments, you basically force the other person to repeat their compliment or defend it, which is not a gracious thing to do. It’s perfectly OK to say simply “thank you” when you’re complimented. It’s not snobby, it’s just a basic courtesy.
8. Holding the past against people that have been “forgiven”
If someone you love or care about makes a mistake and you choose to forgive them, your actions must reinforce your words. In other words, let bygones be bygones. Don’t use their past wrongdoings to continuously justify your own present righteousness. When you constantly use someone’s past wrongdoings to make yourself seem “better” than them (“I’m better than you because, unlike you, I didn’t do XYZ in the past”), it’s a lose-lose situation in the long run.
9. Leaving room for emotional blackmail
Emotional blackmail happens when you apply an emotional penalty against someone if they don’t do exactly what you want them to do. The key condition here is that they change their behavior against their will as a result of the emotional blackmail. Absent the emotional blackmail they would behave differently, but they fear the penalty from you, and so they give in. If two people care about each other and want to maintain a healthy relationship, they absolutely need to be allowed to openly communicate all of their feelings to each other, not just the agreeable and positive ones. If this is not allowed or supported — if one or both people fear penalty or punishment for their honesty — lies, deceit and resentment will gradually transpire.
As you reflect on the negative social habits above, do your best to keep things in perspective. If you recognize one or more of them in your relationships, refrain from pointing fingers. Take responsibility for the behaviors that are yours. Take awareness of those that are not. Not to blame, but rather to aid in your recognition of the health and balance in your relationship.
Healthy, long-term relationships are always amazing, but rarely easy 24/7. Finding the patience and mindfulness to view the challenges as an opportunity to work together will help give your relationship the energy and strength needed to transcend the problems and grow even stronger in the long run. It’s a two-way street but we only control our own driving and which street we stay on.
And finally, practice tuning in to your feelings and needs. In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries in your relationships will be one of the most charitable and strengthening things you can do for both yourself and those you care about.