Most of us value connection with others. In fact, we are wired for connection and it allows us to create bonds and intimacy with our partner as well as friends, family, and coworkers. The success of long-term relationships depends heavily on the quality of our emotional connection with each other.
Adopted and adapted from an article by Jodi Clarke, MA, LPC/MHSP
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-build-a-relationship-based-on-interdependence-4161249
How do we build that kind of relationship? A relationship that gives us the freedom to be ourselves, that supports our growth, and allows us to have flexibility with each other? One of the key elements is understanding the difference between interdependence, independence, and codependence.
Interdependence Is Not Independence. As valuable as having a sense of independence is, taken to an extreme, this can actually get in the way of us being able to connect with others in a meaningful way. Emotional intimacy can be difficult to achieve, even scary or not seen as particularly valuable for those who have an extraordinary sense of independence.
Interdependence suggests that the people in a relationship recognize and value the importance of the bonds they share while maintaining a solid sense of self within the relationship dynamic. An interdependent person recognizes the value of vulnerability. They also value a sense of self that allows them to be themselves without any need to compromise who they are or their values system.
Interdependence Is Not Codependence. A codependent person tends to rely heavily on others for their sense of self and well-being. There is no ability for that person to distinguish where they end and the other person begins. There is an enmeshed sense of responsibility to another person to meet their needs and/or for the other person to meet all of their needs to feel okay about who they are.
Traits of a codependent relationship include things like:
Poor/no boundaries
People-pleasing behaviors
Reactivity
Unhealthy, ineffective communication
Manipulation
Difficulty with emotional intimacy
Controlling behaviors
Blaming each other
Low self-esteem of one or both partners
No personal interests or goals outside the relationship
Codependent relationships are not healthy and do not allow yourself or others to be themselves, to grow, and to be autonomous. These unhealthy relationships involve one or both people relying heavily on the other for a sense of self, feelings of worthiness, and overall emotional well-being. There are often feelings of guilt and shame for one or both when the relationship is not going well.
Codependency involves someone who has lost their core sense of self, so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity, such as sex or gambling. — Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
Interdependence involves a balance of self and others within the relationship, recognizing that both are working to be present and meet each other's needs in appropriate and meaningful ways.
Partners are not demanding of one another and they do not look to the other for feelings of worthiness. Interdependency gives each person space to maintain a sense of self, room to move toward each other in times of need, and the freedom to make these decisions without fear of what will happen in the relationship.
Characteristics of an Interdependent Relationship
Healthy boundaries
Active listening
Time for personal interests
Clear communication
Taking personal responsibility for behaviors
Creating safety for each other to be vulnerable
Engaging and responding to each other
Healthy self-esteem
Being open and approachable with each other
The key to building an interdependent relationship is to be mindful of who you are from the beginning. Many times, people are looking for or entering relationships simply to avoid feeling alone, without any personal reflection of who they are, what they value, and their goals for the relationship.
It is important to maintain a sense of self in your relationships. This includes:
Knowing what you like and what matters to you
Not being afraid to ask for what you want
Spend time with others and family
Continue pursuing your personal goals
Be mindful of your values
Make time for hobbies and interests
Not being afraid to say "no"
Not keeping yourself small or hidden to please or hide from others
Allowing yourself and the other person room and opportunity to do these same things will be key to a healthy, interdependent relationship. Take time to reflect on who you are and what you want in your most important relationships. Being mindful of this can help ensure that those relationships will be healthy and more solid in the long term. It's never too late to examine your and your partner's behaviors and values to ensure that you remain aligned.