I used to feel helpless.
Original Text by Erica Layne, https://ericalayne.co/victim-mentality/
Adopted and adapted
for Kansas City CoDA
I used to feel helpless. Not all of the time, but sometimes I
pictured myself as a caged bird. Sure, I lived in a lovely cage, with a lovely
little bird family inside of it with me. But my life still felt a bit like a
cage. Eventually, I learned that the cage was largely of my own making. I built
it, one stake at a time with thoughts and beliefs that put me in a disempowered
position.
I never would have characterized myself as someone with a
victim mentality, which is generally defined as believing that you’re a victim
of your circumstances with no control over what happens to you. I didn’t think
anyone was out to get me. I knew there were a thousand things in my life that I
did have control over, and I could see lots of good in the world around me.
But still, that caged feeling persisted. A touch of
helplessness here, and a touch of powerlessness there. Those feelings came from
my thoughts, sneaky little thoughts that felt so true that it took me years
before I realized they were optional. Here are seven subtle ways victim
mentality is sneaking in, and how to send it packing!
1. “It’s all on me.”
If there’s an area of my life where the balance is skewed,
the “it’s all on me” mentality can so easily sneak in. When I think the
thought—“It’s all on me”—what do I feel?
Likely, I’ll feel a mixture of pressure and loneliness. At
the same time, since my brain is looking for confirmation and validation of
what I’m feeling, I’m not going to open my eyes to what other people are
contributing, and I’m definitely not going to reach out for more support. Ultimately,
I’ll reaffirm my belief that it’s all on me.
The next time I notice thinking this, I can stretch my brain
a little by asking questions like these:
·
Is it really all on me? As in, could that be
proven in a court of law?
·
Who else shares the load with me?
·
What does my partner do that I’m not seeing?
·
How can I share the load more with the kids (or
co-workers, friends, etc.)?
·
Where else do I get support?
·
Who can I ask for more support?
·
What can I let go of?
·
How else can I lighten my load?
In both family life and work, it CAN feel like people put
things on me. Like they’re piling on the to-do’s and responsibilities until I
buckle under the weight. But no one can PUT anything on me unless I choose to
take it on. I always have choice.
Old, disempowered thought: “It’s all on me.”
New, empowered thought: “*I* decide what I take on, and I’m
willing to ask for support.”
2. “No one else does
it as well as I do.”
·
No one loads the dishwasher as well as I do.
·
No one cooks as well as I do.
·
No one does {this certain aspect of the
business} as well as I do.
·
No one takes care of the kids as well as I do.
The second, often unvoiced part of this thought is—“…So it
has to be me.”
This is disempowering and sneaky way of making it sound like
I’m complimenting myself (“I do it so well!”), but the end result is that I’m
trapped into being the only one who can do it.
Old thought: “No one else does it as well as I do.”
New thought: “I’m willing to let things be done differently
since it means not doing everything myself.”
3. “I don’t know how.”
When I tell myself I don’t know how to do something—that
it’s too complicated, too technical, too inventive, etc.—I block myself from creative
thinking. I am literally shutting down my willingness and ability to figure it
out and put myself in the backseat of my own life.
Old thought: “I don’t know how.”
New thought: “I don’t know how YET. But I can figure it
out.”
4. “I don’t have a
choice.”
Other variations sound like, “I’m stuck”, “I don’t have any
options”, and “I can’t change this.”
Believing I don’t have a choice is like creating my own
self-fulfilling prophecy. If I tell myself that I’m stuck, I won’t see the
options that are actually there. What if instead I challenged my assumptions
and pushed myself to see creative solutions?
Old thought: “I don’t have a choice.”
New thought: “I have a hundred options, and I’m opening my
eyes to them.”
5. “If I don’t make
this work, who will?”
This one has a similar flavor to #2: “No one does it as well
as I do.” Sometimes making myself the hero also traps me into being the victim.
All of the responsibility falls on me.
Here are some questions to ask myself:
·
Is my way the only way?
·
Is my way for-sure, without-a-doubt the BEST
way?
·
Is it possible that things could work out
differently than I’m picturing and still be okay?
·
Is it possible that NOT making things work could
actually be better? That I and the people in my life could experience things
that they might grow from?
Old thought: “If I don’t make things work, who will?”
New thought: “It’s okay if things don’t ‘work.’ In fact, it
might even be better.”
6. “I can’t catch a
break.”
What feeling does this belief bring up for you? Defeat?
Helplessness? Hopelessness?
What actions do I typically take when I’m feeling defeated,
helpless, or hopeless? Am I able to show up as my highest self when I’m
believing that things are stacked against me? (Probably not!)
The opposite belief to “I can’t catch a break” might be “I
make my own breaks,” but that feels like too big of a leap to me. Our brains
won’t latch on to thoughts they can’t believe.
So how about a gentler shift? If I currently believe that I
can’t catch a break, I can try simply opening myself up to the good around me.
It might be as small as a hug or the sound of birds outside. But the more good
I look for, the more good I’ll find—and the more good I’ll create.
Old thought: “I can’t catch a break.”
New thought: “I will look for all the good in my life.”
7. “I try so hard,
and it’s never enough.”
Do I feel like I am trying so hard in life, work, and
relationships, but things are still just so hard? Does it feel like no matter
how hard I try, it’s never enough?
Who am I letting tell me that it’s not enough? And do I want
to keep using that voice as my judge? I am the only person in my life who gets
to decide what enough is. I am my own authority.
Old thought: “I try so hard, and it’s never enough.”
New thought: “*I* decide what’s enough; I don’t wait for
other people to decide that for me.”