Reframing Our Thoughts

If the grass looks greener on the other side...

Stop staring.

Stop comparing.

Stop complaining.

And START watering the grass you’re standing on.

Adopted and adapted from: www.marcandangel.com

The most powerful weapon a healthy mind has against daily stress is the ability to choose (or reframe) one thought or response over another. Here’s an example from Sarah, a real-life person in recovery: 

“I sat down with my two daughters, ages six and eight, this afternoon to explain to them that we have to move out of our four-bedroom house and into a two-bedroom apartment for a year or two until I can find another job and build our savings back up. It’s a conversation I’ve been avoiding for over a month, as I’ve struggled with the doubts and regrets of the past and not being able to provide a financially stable household for us. But my daughters just looked at each other after I told them, and then my youngest daughter turned to me and asked, ‘Are we all moving into that apartment together?’ ‘Of course,’ I immediately replied. ‘Oh, so no big deal then,’ she said.”

How powerful is that!? We can all learn a valuable insight from those young minds, uncluttered from the clouding and distracting complexities of our past and our current modern adult world. No, we can’t go back in time but we can use this as a reminder to simplify some of the things we face and encourage us to take action on the parts that we can influence or actually control. 

Here are a couple of ideas to help us get started: 

1. Do your best to cleanse your thoughts with presence and acceptance. 

Because most of the time the secret to gaining clarity, peace, and happiness, is simply letting the present moment be what it is, instead of what you think it should be, and making the best of it.

And yes, I know that doesn't come naturally to most adult minds. Which is why I want to expand upon this with another effective method for quieting that negative inner voice. But first, let’s examine a super-common mistake our negative minds can make...

Negative minds are often proud to describe themselves as "realists." Of course, anyone who holds a strong belief thinks they are being "realistic" by holding it, whether it involves UFO encounters or ‘perfectly truthful’ politicians.

The "being more realistic" declaration is a favorite of cynics everywhere. And in a way they are correct. But only because negative thinking causes us not to try – or if we do try, to do it halfheartedly and give up sooner – so the negativity itself influences our outcomes. Self-fulfilling predictions like this really do happen. Research has even found that in some cases what we believe about our health can have more bearing on how long we live than our actual health.

What makes all of this so scary is the fact that it means negative thoughts can plague us even when things seem to be going relatively well. For instance, the thought “It’s too good to last!” quickly wreaks havoc on a positive situation. The second tip has to do with how negative thinking can distort our perception...

2. Stop yourself from over-generalizing the negative (minimizing the positive).

Ask yourself: “If something negative unexpectedly happens, do I over-generalize it? Do I view it as applying to everything and being permanent rather than compartmentalizing it to one place and time?”

For example, if someone turns me down for a date, do I spread the negativity beyond that person, time, and place by telling myself: “Relationships never work out for me, ever”? If I fail an exam, do I say to myself, “Well, I failed that exam; I’m not happy about it, but I’ll study harder next time”? Or do I over-generalize it by telling myself things like: “I’m not smart enough” or “I’m too old to learn anything new”?

Remember, negative thinking stops us from seeing and experiencing positive outcomes, even when those positive things happen. It’s as if there’s a special mental block filtering out all the positives and only letting in data that confirms the ‘negative bias.’ So do your best to catch yourself when you do that.

Being able to distinguish between the negativity you imagine versus what is actually happening in your life, is an important step towards living a happier life.

The bottom line is that your response is always more powerful than your circumstance. A tiny part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. The goal isn’t to get rid of all your painful thoughts, feelings, and life circumstances. That's simply impossible. The goal is to follow in Sarah's daughter's footsteps, and change your response to them.

Here are a few additional ‘refrigerator magnet’ reminders: 

1. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that things will never again be what they once were, and that this ending is really an evolution, an opportunity… a new beginning.
2. Don't wait on others to choose you. Choose yourself today. Practice loving yourself, too, instead of simply loving the idea of other people loving you. Practice respecting yourself, caring for yourself, and becoming a reliable part of your own support system.
3. You can’t always be agreeable. That’s how people take advantage of you. And that’s how you lose track of your priorities. So don’t give in. Sometimes you have to set boundaries. Sometimes saying no is vital to your growth and wellness.
4. Environment is everything. Surround yourself with good company — those who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you. People who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it.
5. The single greatest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. Remember this. Be present. Be kind. Ask about people’s stories. Listen. Be teachable. Be humble. Compliment them when you can. Magnify their strengths, not their weaknesses. This is how to make a small difference, in your own life above all, and in the lives you touch.
6. Positivity does not mean ignoring the negativity around you, it means overcoming the negativity within you. There is a big difference between the two. The peace, happiness, and effectiveness of your life and relationships greatly depends on the quality of your thoughts.
7. Whatever you do, don't get stuck on the little things that ruin your day today. Redirect your focus to what truly matters. Try to find a little gratitude for what you have. Some of it is a blessing, and either way nothing lasts forever....

Finally, if you're struggling with any of this, remember that you are not alone. Many of us are right there with you. While we may come from different backgrounds, ages and circumstances, we all have similar thoughts that sometime run through our heads. I can’t ‘fix’ you any more than you can fix me. But through sharing our experience, strength and hope, we’ll get through it together!