You close your eyes for a beat after you notice his/her number popping up on your phone.
“Hey Babe, sorry to bother you at work but can you cover a couple of bills for me? I’m tight on cash again and my commission check doesn’t come in until next month.”
Adopted and adapted from:
- https://www.myvibrantmoney.com/blog/what-is-codependency-how-does-it-affect-my-money-and-how-do-i-stop-the-behavior
- https://www.money254.co.ke/post/money-psychology-financial-codependency-could-be-behind-your-financial-woes-money-psychology
- https://mybigrichlife.com/financial-codependency/
You’re already feeling stressed about money and aren’t sure what to do, but s/he needs you; Of course, you’re willing to help. Secretly you just hope that s/he just doesn’t forget to pay you back, like the last couple times.
It’s not limited to intimate relationships. While it is certainly common for parents to periodically give their children money as an act of love, if this persists, the child's ambition to work and earn their own money is likely to fade away with time. Despite the fact that the child grows up to be an otherwise perfectly healthy and intelligent adult, getting regular financial assistance from a parent, particularly when that child should be totally capable of supporting themselves, only fuels the anticipation and even expectation of obtaining more money from the parents.
Are you this person who always puts the financial needs of others before your own?
Trace the roots of this automatic response, whether it’s old family dynamics or a seemingly innate need to be needed. Regardless of its origin, the pattern could be a sign of codependency. And even if you already know you're in a codependent relationship, you may still be blind to its connection to money.
When we place the financial needs of others above our own, we are in a situation known as Financial Codependency: Prioritizing the financial (in addition to emotional) needs of others, while discounting or ignoring our own.
(Note: This is related to, but different from, today’s (Sept. 29) Language of Letting Go reading, which discussed feeling like you need to use money to buy material objects for yourself to make yourself feel more valuable, or that you feel like self-worth is reliant on material objects, a number in a bank account, a salary, job title, etc.)
Codependency and Money: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
The Good: You Care About Others
Codependent behavior generally comes from a place of genuine concern or compassion. You want to help others in need. You consider generosity and helpfulness to be at the core of your personal value.The Bad: You’re Undermining Your Financial Security
Because this giving / generosity is “who you are,” you may not recognize the associated codependency until it's too late. By that time, you may have lost savings and/or possessions, hurt your credit score, piled up new debt or slowed down paying off existing debt. These damaging effects also prevent you from taking advantage of opportunities to invest and build wealth. Over time, your confidence and self-esteem also suffer.
All the while you still hope your partner or family member will change. When that doesn't happen, you feel disappointed and frustrated. This often leads to resentment and bitterness toward your loved one. You feel unappreciated for what you perceive to be one of your biggest virtues: your generosity.
The Ugly: Codependent Behavior Often Results from Unresolved Trauma
Instead of casting blame, ask yourself where these behaviors come from. Their roots may well have started growing before you even knew each other. They might originate from past stress or trauma of which you're not even aware. Maybe you grew up desperately wanting to fix or change something or someone and couldn’t. You may have felt powerless or hopeless. Perhaps you were fighting to be seen, heard and understood, but never felt that you were. It’s hard to change these behaviors, especially if you don’t acknowledge their roots. Even the most “normal” relationships between spouses, parents, children, friends or co-workers, can be riddled with some generally non-impactful codependency. So how do you know if a relationship is troubled by financial codependency?Tell-tale Signs of Codependent Money Relationships
If you’re putting yourself at a financial disadvantage to help or support someone else, you are at risk of being in a financially codependent relationship. The first step is to notice the signs. Do you:- Shield your loved one from the consequences of poor financial choices and actions?
- Take a back seat in decision making to allow someone to feel a sense of control over a situation?
- Derive part of your identity, or satisfaction, from people “needing” you?
- Repeatedly lend or give money to your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/child?
- Use your credit card to cover a loved one's unexpected “emergency” expenses?
- End up paying your friend’s portion of the bill (again and again) when you go out to eat because he/she can’t afford it?
- Routinely pay your partner's half of the rent or utilities?
- Rack up debt for vacations/events/shopping because they promise they’ll pay you back, but make little/no effort to do so.
3 Ways to Start Healing Financially Codependent Relationships
Recognize it. Get comfortable with identifying and prioritizing your own needs over the wants and needs of others. Put on your own oxygen mask first. This does not make you a selfish person. In fact, taking good care of yourself is one of the most loving things you can do for those around you. It allows you to feel stable and secure, which then gives them the space to do the same for themselves.
Look within to ask yourself why you feel an urge to give excessively. Are you trying to overcompensate for something? Trying to fill a void? Hoping people will like/love you more if you take care of things for them? Worried they will leave you if you don’t? Take a step back and acknowledge that you are enough just the way you are. It’s not helpful or healthy to overextend yourself in an attempt to feel accepted.
Set boundaries. This means that you clearly communicate what you will or will not do for a loved one and you follow through on this commitment. This can also mean setting boundaries about what behavior you will tolerate (or not tolerate) from your loved one and detailing, plus imposing, consequences if the behavior continues. Keep in mind, none of this has to be righteous or vicious. You can be civil, respectful and loving when setting and enforcing boundaries with your loved ones, even if they don’t see it that way. Ultimately, you are learning how to advocate for yourself and your needs.
Remember, the first step to overcoming financial codependency is to recognize it. Only then can you begin to retake control of your finances. From there, take it step by step, acknowledging your and your loved one's behavior and its roots. Like any 12-Step program, follow the above in order and practice repeatedly. Share your thoughts and feeling with the other person. You are not responsible for the pain or discomfort another adult got themselves into. They may not like hearing it but your role in that conversation is to inform (boundaries), not to gain their acceptance or approval. You deserve a balanced and equal adult relationship.