God, why didn’t you save me?
(There are several variations of this story out there!)
A once-in-a-century terrible storm approaches a town. Forecasters and local authorities warn the townspeople to evacuate to safe ground. But one local man, firmly committed to his belief in a Higher Power, says “No. I have faith in my Higher Power. He will save me.”
The downpours soon turn into a flood. As the waters rise, the local kneels in prayer, surrounded by water. By and by, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe.
"Better get in. The waters are rising fast."
"No," says the local. "I have faith in my Higher Power. He will save me."
Still the waters rise. Now the local is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication when another guy zips up in a motorboat.
"Come on. We need to get you out of here. The levee's gonna break any minute!"
Once again, the local is unmoved. "I shall remain. My Higher Power will see me through."
After a while, the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the local man’s home until only the chimney remains above water. The man is up there, clinging to the chimney when a helicopter descends out of the heavens, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.
"Grab the ladder. This is your last chance!"
Once again, the man insists his Higher Power will deliver him.
And, predictably, he drowns.
A pious man, the local goes to heaven. After a while, he gets an interview with his Higher Power, and he asks: "I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn't you deliver me from that flood?"
His Higher Power shakes her head in disbelief. "I love you. But it is you who chose to ignore the help that I put in front of you. I sent you clear warnings in a forecast. I sent you a boat, two times. I sent you a helicopter. You needed only to accept the help, even once."
Active Participation in Recovery and Life
Recovery is much more than the complete surrender of emotions and actions to our Higher Power or simply abstaining from a codependent behavior or a substance. A belief in a Higher Power, including surrender and abstinence, are fundamental components of the recovery process, but they alone do not equate to recovery. Recovery is “a process of change through which people improve their health and wellness, live self-directed lives, and strive to reach their full potential.”
By actively living and participating in my recovery, I improve my physical health, mental health, spiritual health, financial health, relationships, parenting skills, career capabilities, and the trajectory of most aspects of my life in general. Why bother? Here are some reasons:
Life Has Meaning and Purpose
Everyone constructs her / his own sense of meaning and purpose in life. The feeling that life has meaning and purpose can come from a variety of areas, such as career, family, nature, or spirituality, among others. Recovery can be a catalyst to my sense of meaning and purpose in the world in a variety of ways, be it by being a better parent, a better colleague, a better friend, a better worker, a better member of the community, having a better sense of their spiritual experience on Earth, and so on.
Self-Esteem Comes from Within
Self-esteem can be defined as my attitude towards myself: Do I have a positive or negative view of myself. Self-esteem is an extremely important component of mental wellbeing.
If I am plagued by immense feelings of shame and guilt due to my codependence (or past behavior or addiction, etc), it feeds a negative sense of myself. In turn, low self-worth tends to create fertile ground for continued codependent behaviors as well as other destructive behaviors, which I use in an attempt to distract or numb from my feelings of inferiority or other fears and insecurity. It might also give me a false sense of confidence.
Actively participating in recovery and life naturally results in an increased sense of worth and self-esteem merely by being able to stop engaging in the compromising behaviors that often coincide with codependence as well as other destructive behaviors.
Gratitude Holds Great Power
Gratitude is another key component of the recovery process, frequently encouraged by mental health professionals with their patients as well as in recovery meetings, where we come to learn that even when life does not appear to be going my way, there is always something to be grateful for.
This is important because gratitude plays a fundamental role in our mood, our behavior, and our outlook on life. Studies reflect that gratitude improves one’s mental health, decision-making, relationships, resilience, sleep, empathy, and much more.
Resilience
According to the American Psychological Association, psychologists define resilience as, “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress—such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors.” The ability to recover from codependency certainly meets the criteria for resilience. The ability to overcome challenges is often referred to as “self-efficacy” in psychology. In turn, learning my own resilience in the recovery process can serve to foster the type of mindset and discipline that is necessary to be resilient in other ways when obstacles arise.
Hope
Hope is the belief that something will happen. It is also a cornerstone of recovery, frequently highlighted in Twelve-Step meetings. Individuals in recovery are often encouraged to have hope that their life will improve and that things will get better, even in the worst of times.
Although hope may seem to be frivolous to some when it comes to battling codependence or significant challenges, it is actually quite an important mechanism of change studied by many psychologists. For example, “Hope Theory,” coined by psychologist Charles Snyder, emphasizes the importance of hope as a primary agent of change. Without hope, Snyder believes that the determination to achieve a goal will not be present. Recovery teaches me the importance of having hope in achieving my desired goals and life outcomes.
Healthy Relationships Do Exist
A key component of the recovery process is learning how to have healthy relationships and set healthy boundaries with others. Healthy relationships are a fundamental component of psychological and even physical wellbeing. Before recovery, relationships may have deteriorated or been dysfunctional and even toxic. Boundaries may have been porous, permeable, and unclear.
Through active participation in my recovery, I continue to evolve appropriate boundaries, how to have healthy and meaningful relationships, and how to be more assertive and honest in my communications, without being hateful or angry.
Vulnerability and Honesty Can Actually Feel Good
A common phrase that gets tossed around the recovery community is, “you’re only as sick as your secrets.” This phrase implies that holding onto secrets brings despair; whereas releasing secrets brings healing. Shame, guilt, trauma, and fear commonly promote the development of secrecy. In recovery, I find that releasing secrets allows for an opening to begin healing. Meetings and therapy allow for the ability to see that my personal qualities, beliefs, or behaviors are not so unique and they are certainly not wrong. They allow me to understand that there is nothing wrong with me, but that perhaps something wrong happened to me (for example, sexual abuse). Being vulnerable with others (who are safe) allows me to release to recover.
Participating in Life
There is nowhere better to be than actively participating in my recovery. It means I’m participating in life! Sure, some days will be better than others and that’s okay. There may even be a new lesson or two I can learn on those days. Life becomes and remains worthwhile when I am an active participant in all parts of my program and let the process improve my life, knowing that my Higher Power will always be there to love and support me, even if it’s not always in ways that are immediately obvious to me.