When dealing with a codependent relationship, it’s crucial to look at how it began and what factors created it. Trauma and co-dependency frequently go hand-in-hand with childhood trauma causing codependent symptoms in later life. However, the trauma is not limited to childhood experiences. It can absolutely include experiences from our adolescent or adult lives as well.
NOTE- Article adopted and adapted* from: https://couplerecovery.org/trauma-is-not-codependency-learning-the-difference/ & https://www.recoveryranch.com/addiction-blog/trauma-and-co-dependency/
Codependency
Co-dependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic in which one person’s needs are treated as secondary to another’s. Typically, co-dependency occurs when true intimacy does not. It is commonly developed in relationships with people who are somehow emotionally unavailable and may or may not include an addiction component, used by one or sometimes both persons to numb or escape difficult circumstances. Relationships in which there is some type of traumatic bonds, such as those involving physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, can also create co-dependency in the victim.
Individuals who use codependent behaviors can have feelings of insecurity, incompetency, anxiety, depression, poor self-esteem, helplessness, hopelessness, and emptiness, despite often seeming completely ‘normal’ or otherwise ‘having it all together’ to those on the outside. Although codependents typically feel compelled to take some sort of action to ‘fix’ problems, compulsive behaviors tend to create other problems when that codependent attempts to solve problems for others, that can only be solved by the other person taking personal responsibility. Many codependents are active to the point of chronic fatigue and exhaustion, compelled by a need to care for others.
It is not unusual for codependents to develop health issues, substance abuse disorders, eating disorders, sexual acting out, self-harm, and other compulsive behaviors and addictions that can cause significant problems in all realms of daily life. This is often seeded in a codependent’s rationalization of their abusers’ behavior by assuming responsibility for it. Very similarly, a codependent may view his or herself as deserving of the pain or consequences s/he is experiencing, because it was surely the result of that codependent’s own bad behavior or choices.
People with trauma and co-dependency can be significantly at risk of self-defeating or self-harming behaviors, used in an attempt to manage anxiety, depression, emptiness, and other such feelings that result from co-dependency. Similarly, codependency may lead some to have a series of dysfunctional relationships throughout their lives in which their unhealthy behaviors cause chronic difficulties in functioning that derail ambitions, hopes, dreams, and achievements.
Reactions to Triggers are Involuntary
Triggers can seemingly come out of nowhere. You may think that something is wrong with you, perhaps feeling like you are crazy. It may very well be that your partner is experiencing the same emotional roller coaster. At times you feel gratitude for recovery. Other times those feelings blend into struggling with all the newness and uncertainty, particularly early in recovery but it can also happen after years in recovery!
- “How am I am going to get through this?”
- “What happens next?”
- “How do I manage all these emotions in recovery?”
- “My relationship? I can’t even go there!”
Emotional Relapse?
Sometimes these feelings are explained as an “emotional relapse”, that is to say, regression into an unhealthy emotional state. The risk for self-destructive behavior or slipping into addictive behaviors is high and can undermine recovery and self-esteem. This state can very well trigger old negative patterns.
Old patterns may emerge, for example: Increased efforts to exert control. Perhaps enabling or perfectionism once again becomes a central focus. Low self-esteem coupled with putting one’s own needs last will give rise to increasing anger and frustration.
Not All Strong Emotions Are Unhealthy
It is important to remember that not all strong negative emotions related to recovery are signs of unhealthy emotions. These feelings may have nothing to do with an emotional relapse, or with codependency. Sometimes these feelings are related to re-experiencing traumatic feelings triggered by emotional memories of an event.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has long been associated with members of the military returning from the battlefield as well as victims of natural disasters or serious accidents. It is also now being understood to be linked to physical or sexual violence, traumatic life events (such as serious illness or death of a loved one), serious legal or law enforcement interactions, substance abuse, addictions, and more.
The trauma of recovery is an emerging concept that accounts for the stresses of change and uncertainty of a new way of life. Unfortunately, even recovery is often overlooked as a source of trauma for individuals and couples.
Identifying Symptoms from Trauma
Re-experiencing symptoms: Flashbacks, specific dates, memories, reliving the trauma, physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating, experiencing bad dreams, and frightening thoughts. Triggers can happen suddenly and in full force.
Avoidance symptoms: Feeling emotionally numb, strong guilt, depression, or worry. Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. Avoidance may be reflected in isolation or immersing oneself in various activities like binge Netflix episodes, work, or social media to distract from and avoid feelings. It can include dependency and abuse of drugs, alcohol, sex, or food.
Hyperarousal symptoms: feeling on edge and being alert, feeling stressed, angry outbursts. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating. Being on alert may be fairly constant and/or are triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic events.
It’s normal and understandable to have some of these symptoms after dangerous or traumatic events. Sometimes people have very serious symptoms that go away after a few weeks. However, when the symptoms last more than a few weeks and become an ongoing problem, they might reflect PTSD.
There is a complicated relationship between trauma and codependency. It can be a chicken or the egg dilemma. Sometimes people use codependency (and substances) to deal with trauma in their life. Eventually, this can lead to addiction. Codependency and addiction create more trauma, which further reinforces codependency. It becomes very circular.
Sorting Emotions
Distinguishing between codependency and PTSD helps us to put the feelings in the right box. It helps to understand what is happening with emotions. Don’t assume that feeling triggered, vigilant, or avoidant reflects a codependent relapse. Consider another possibility. Perhaps these feelings and behaviors are related to addiction-related trauma.
If you think you may be experiencing trauma-related codependency, consider contacting a therapist familiar with codependency treatment, in addition to trauma recovery treatment (and addiction recovery, if applicable). A therapist certified in EMDR (https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/) can be particularly valuable in the treatment of PTSD-related codependency. In any case, effective help starts with assessment. Early-life trauma can get activated during recovery. A mental health professional for individual or relationship therapy could help with the sorting out process.
In addition to professional help, there are many groups and communities available for support. Peers who can relate because of their own related experiences form these communities. As a result, there are safe places to give and receive support.
You are not alone and there is true hope and recovery!