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Gaslighting and Codependency

Gaslighting is the psychological manipulation of a person that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories. It typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator. In a nutshell, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation that causes someone to question their own reality. 

Adapted and adopted from https://www.instagram.com/p/CCpbLNGg-J7/, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gaslighting, https://www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470 

Fun side note- the term gaslighting got its name from the film “Gas Light” by Alfred Hitchcock.

“Gaslighting can be a very effective tool for the abuser to control an individual. It's done slowly so the victim writes off the event as a one off or oddity and doesn't realize they are being controlled and manipulated.” — Melissa Spino

“Gaslighting can happen in any relationship circumstance, including between friends and family members—not just in couple relationships.”— Deena Bouknight

“This is a classic gaslighting technique—telling victims that others are crazy and lying, and that the gaslighter is the only source for "true" information. It makes victims question their reality …” — Stephanie Sarkis

External Gaslighting

People who engage in gaslighting are often habitual and pathological liars and frequently exhibit narcissistic tendencies. It is typical for them to blatantly lie and never back down or change their stories, even when you call them out or provide proof of their deception. They may say something like: "You're making things up," "That never happened," or "You're crazy."

Lying and distortion are the cornerstones of gaslighting behavior. Even when you know they are not telling the truth, they can be very convincing. In the end, you start to second-guess yourself.

Here are a few signs and symptoms that indicate being a victim of gaslighting-

  • Asking or wondering if other people think I am lying about my struggles

  • Minimizing my own problems

  • Putting others before myself until it is debilitating

  • Apologizing often

  • Constantly being worried of being wrong

  • Heightened anxiety and insecurity

Self-Gaslighting

Also as a codependent, it’s easy for me to gaslight myself. This typically happens in my inner narrative. These self-gaslighting phrases might sound like:

  • I am being too dramatic, sensitive, or emotional.

  • I’m not sick enough to be diagnosed with such-and-such.

  • Other people have it worse than me so I shouldn’t feel upset.

  • There must be something wrong with me. Normal people’s minds don’t work like this.

  • Am I making this up?

  • This is all my fault and I am to blame.

  • I know they love me and didn’t mean it like that, so I shouldn’t be hurt.

If these sound familiar to me, I am not alone. I might be gaslighting myself because I have been a victim of external gaslighting. These types of phrases might feel like reality to me. This can be a direct result of struggling with “invisible” illnesses like chronic pain, eating disorders, PTSD, anxiety, codependency, and many more. It may be a mode of safety and survival. 

So I can take a deep breath. I can explore ways to work on unlearning gaslighting, whether from myself or others.

Unlearning Gaslighting

Although I can’t control what other people say and do, I can control how I respond. I can do things like:

  • Gain some distance. I can take a step back from the situation.

  • Save the evidence. This way, I don’t have to second-guess what happened.

  • Set boundaries.

  • Get an outside perspective. I can talk to a trusted friend or family member.

I can also practice recognizing when I am gaslighting myself. I can ask myself where it has stemmed from and what I may be internalizing from toxic outside forces. I can replace hurtful phrases with self-affirming phrases to combat negative thoughts. I can remember that self-affirmation might feel strange or false at first, especially if I have been telling myself the opposite for a long time.

Some self-affirming phrases I can use:

  • My feelings and emotions are valid.

  • My body and how it feels are my responsibility to love and take care of.

  • I will never be too much. I will always be enough.

  • I can still recognize that someone loves me while recognizing that they have hurt me. This is healthy and okay.

  • Nothing is wrong with me.

  • I do not have to compare struggles to validate my own.

  • My feelings are real feelings.

  • I deserve to be listened to.

  • I am worthy of love. I deserve to love and be loved.

Taking Another Deep Breath

I am not to blame if I am experiencing gaslighting. I am responsible for myself, not others. I can learn to make healthy choices for myself and set boundaries in relationships. Remember- my feelings and emotions are valid!

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