Recovery is for people who want it, not for people who need it.
NOTE- Article adapted* from https://catherinewight.medium.com/things-i-learned-about-acceptance-from-my-recovery-program-for-codependency-21e34b26829 by Catherine N Wight
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”
~Joseph Campbell
My end was the beginning. Ten years ago, I joined a recovery program for codependency. I didn’t show up to my first meeting on a winning streak, I had horrifically crashed and burned in life and in fact had a plan to end my life. But I had also begun a new life journey.
Codependency (and later even addiction) sometimes feel like they have been part of my life since birth. Living with chaos, I unconsciously learned many things that have taken me years to unlearn. Today, I am grateful for my journey, which continues and changes every day. Acceptance has been the key.
Ten years ago, I lived with codependence as well as addiction, but I could not accept that I or someone I loved had a problem. I covered up the issue, I overachieved to compensate and continued the cycle of secrecy. The rules in my childhood home, though never explicitly said, were: don’t think, don’t talk, don’t feel, and don’t share. I mastered these lessons in my personal and professional lives. I passed these lessons on unintentionally to my children.
Only once I admitted (albeit reluctantly) that my life was out of control, did I become willing to get help. For me, it required some harsh external shame and very visible realities to reach that admission. These are lessons about acceptance I’ve learned along the way:
What acceptance doesn’t mean to me
Acceptance doesn’t mean accepting unacceptable behavior, or that I can’t work on changing things. Acceptance doesn’t mean blaming others or taking other people’s choices personally. I cannot cure, control, or change anyone but myself.
Acceptance does not mean not having expectations of someone else, even if they’re in their own recovery. I cannot realistically expect anyone to do for me what they cannot do for themselves.
What acceptance does means to me
Acceptance is an active process that must be continually practiced through my actions, interactions, and learning to be aware of and to be aware and accepting of my emotions as I regulate them. Not bury them!
The process, not the outcome, is the goal. Accepting what is, not what I wish it should look like, teaches me how to set boundaries and take care of myself. When I accept my current life (not the same as liking my current life/situation) and accept who I am, I can begin to grow and start to work towards the change that I think I want.
Change first starts with accepting myself, my body, my past, and my life as it is at this moment. Sometimes that includes a lot of challenges, emotional, and intertwining feelings but I do not have to do it all at once and every little bit is worthwhile and is progress. My world starts to get a little better.
Acceptance means taking responsibility for my own life — warts and all
When I lived with active codependence or addiction in myself or people I love, I found I would often merge with their chaos, which frequently led me to question my decision-making abilities. It felt like my brain was on fire and I would not have the adult-thinking capabilities to reason or make the decisions that were best or that I would feel good about later. This led to an abundance of decisions and behaviors that regularly found me questioning my competence, my sanity, even my purpose. Accepting the reality of my situation is what led to peace, and to meaningful progress, and positive change in my life.
Do something different
It’s not like I was idle or paralyzed (ok, there were times when I felt paralyzed); In fact, I was taking a lot of action but it felt like I was making a lot of mistakes. I was certainly told about all of those mistakes in my less-than-healthy relationships (Though at the time I did not realize how unhealthy they were), so I was skeptical of other suggestions from others in recovery. It took being in enough pain or emotional and physical exhaustion to help me become will willing to just try something different. I slowly adopted behaviors that were out of my comfort zone. Some worked, some didn’t, but I was eventually in a place where I could learn from my mistakes, instead of blaming myself or others. Different is not a synonym for wrong.
Final Thoughts
Today, I’m grateful to the codependents and others in my life, because I’ve learned to take responsibility for my life and to work in my circle of concern. Today I try to communicate boundaries and to separate my faults from others’ weaknesses. I’m also more forgiving because so much forgiveness has been given to me.
Acceptance means recognizing this truth: Recovery is for people who want it, not for people who need it. I cannot force recovery on myself or anyone else. People might get hurt emotionally, in the journey to give myself as much care and love as they want. That’s not being selfish; It’s being self-full and I can only share what I myself have. We all deserve it.
When people ask why I’m still in recovery after all these years, I let them know that my character defects can be refunded. This program works for me. Working my program and keeping it fresh are my secret to success.
Take what you like, and leave the rest.