For the people-pleaser, daily life can feel like a cage: always performing, always smiling, always saying yes to others’ requests. Many people-pleasers have regular daydreams of running off to be entirely alone, without the pressure of others’ needs, requests, or demands.
People pleasing is actually unconscious manipulation: it’s my attempt to control another person’s perception of who I am. In the process, I continue to lose touch with my intuition, my personal boundaries, and my sense of self.
This leaves me open to getting “gaslighted” (or the denying of my own reality) and feeling overwhelmed/resentful in relationships. People pleasing also takes me on an emotional roller coaster because I am always depending on external validation to make me feel good about myself.
The more we learn to set boundaries, the more we realize we don’t need to escape people to get our needs met. We can ensure our needs are met even in others’ company and see their presence as a joy instead of a burden.
Roots of People Pleasing
Before blaming myself for struggling with people-pleasing, I can remember that many external forces affect development of the pattern, including:
• Past trauma
• Having caregivers who struggled with addiction or mental health
• Having caregivers who could not hold us in our emotions, so I learned to prioritize other’s instead.
• Cultural or religious upbringing
• Facing oppression, stigma, or threat of violence
Certain parenting cues also contribute to the people pleasing pattern. This can include my caregivers telling me:
• To go give a hug/kiss to another person or share my items/things, even if I am uncomfortable in order to make the other person comfortable
• To stop crying, complaining, or whining even when I feel uncomfortable so that everyone around me is comfortable.
• To finish all their food on my plate in order to make another happy, even if I am not hungry and/or don’t like the food.
• To dress a certain way in order to please everyone else, even if I don’t feel comfortable in what I am wearing.
• To behave before entering public settings, putting more focus on everyone else’s comfort rather than how I feel.
• That love is withdrawn from me when I say “no”, so I fear saying “no” to anyone else out of fear of being unloved and not accepted.
• That I am responsible for how I make others feel.
• That I am doing the right thing when pleasing others, even if that means I am being self-destructive.
Let’s be honest: I didn’t ask to become a people-pleaser. For me, people-pleasing pattern was a survival skill that, at one point in time (or perhaps still) enabled me to be safe, seen, or attended to.
Breaking the People Pleasing Pattern
Recovering from people-pleasing is an uncomfortable journey. But you know what? People-pleasing is uncomfortable, too. So if I’m going to be uncomfortable no matter what: Would I rather feel uncomfortable because I’m not speaking my truth — or feel uncomfortable because I am?
In order to break the people-pleasing pattern, I must learn how to sit with discomfort instead of reacting to it, including:
• The discomfort of others being unhappy with me
• The discomfort of letting others handle their own problems instead of rushing to fix them
• The discomfort of having difficult, honest conversations about my needs and boundaries
• The discomfort that comes when I realize that others’ happiness isn’t my responsibility, but my own happiness is
When I start sitting with discomfort, I begin to notice:
1) Discomfort ebbs and flows — it’s not potent forever
2) Despite their strength, my feelings aren’t going to kill me
3) When I DO sit with a feeling instead of reacting to it, I’m able to choose my actions in a way that feels authentic and in my integrity. As a result, I’m able to respect my decisions, and myself, more.
Authentic Kindness Instead of People Pleasing
I’ve always considered myself to be a kind person. As I became more conscious, what I realized is that a lot of what I thought was kind was actually people pleasing. Instead of people pleasing, I can strive for authentic kindness towards other people.
Authentic kindness also means kindness to myself. It means having clear limits and trusting that another person can be responsible for their own lives.
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Authentic Kindness |
People Pleasing |
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Saying “no” when I’m at my limit or need a break |
Saying “yes” then feeling regret or resentment later |
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Letting someone know when they’ve hurt me or crossed a boundary |
Keeping feelings and needs to myself out of fear or shame |
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Refusing to enable behavior that harms me |
Allowing harmful behavior in order not to “lose” someone’s love |
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Standing up for myself in a compassionate way |
Denying my reality or taking on someone else’s reality as “truth” |
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Believing in someone’s ability to do what’s best for them |
Feeling like I need to fix or rescue someone because they need me |