Sometimes, when I am angry, I have the right to be angry;
That does not give me the right to be cruel.
NOTE- Article adapted* from https://psychcentral.com/lib/codependency-causes-anger-and-resentment-8-tips-on-anger-management#Expressing-Anger-Effectively and https://waynation.com/healthy-boundaries-vs-unhealthy-expectations-saying-no-when-they-want-you-to-say-yes/
Managing anger is essential to success in work and relationships. Codependents have a lot of anger and often do not know how to manage it effectively. Codependents frequently partner with people who contribute less than they do, who break promises and commitments, violate their boundaries, or disappointment or betray them.
Symptoms of codependency, such as denial, dependency, lack of boundaries, and dysfunctional communication, contribute to anger. Because of dependency, codependents attempt to control others in order to feel better, rather than to initiate effective action. But when those people don’t do what we want, we feel angry, victimized, unappreciated or uncared for, and powerless — unable to be agents of change for ourselves. Dependency also leads to fear of a confrontation. Codependents prefer to not “rock the boat” and jeopardize the relationship. Codependent’s poor boundaries and communication skills inhibit expressing our needs and feelings, or we do so ineffectively or inappropriately. Hence, we sometimes can’t protect ourselves and when we don’t get what we want and need, feel angry and resentful, because “I”:
- Expect other people to make me happy, and they don’t.
- Agree to things I don’t want to.
- Have undisclosed expectations of other people.
- Fear confrontation.
- Deny or devalue my needs and thus don’t get them met.
- Try to control people and things, over which I have no authority.
- Ask for things in nonassertive, counterproductive ways; i.e., hinting, blaming, nagging, accusing.
- Don’t set boundaries to stop abuse or behavior that I don’t want.
- Unconsciously deny reality and therefore:
- Trust and rely on people proven to be untrustworthy and unreliable.
- Want people to meet my needs, who have shown that they won’t or can’t.
- Despite the facts and repeated disappointments, maintain hope and try to change others.
- Tend to overstay in relationships despite continuing to be disappointed or abused.
Anger Gone Wrong
The truth is that anger is a normal, healthy reaction when my needs aren’t met, my boundaries are violated, or my trust is broken. But it can overwhelm me unless I know how to manage it. Like most codependents, I sometimes don’t know how to handle the anger I feel. Different people react differently, depending upon their innate temperament and early family environment. Some people explode or attack, though they may regret it later, while others passively hold in their anger or don’t even recognize it (I tend to do both!). Most codependents are afraid their anger will damage their relationships. Depending on the person or interaction, I often don’t want to rock the boat and instead please, appease, or withdraw to avoid conflict. I may stockpile resentments and/or be passive-aggressive. My anger may also come out indirectly, through sarcasm, grumpiness, irritability, silence, or through behavior, such as cold looks, slamming doors, forgetting, withholding, being late, even cheating.
As a codependent, I may not even realize I’m angry for days, weeks, even years after an event. Difficulties with anger often stem from childhood role models. When parents lack skills to handle their own anger, they’re unable to teach their children to do so. If I was taught not to raise my voice, told not to feel angry, or was scolded for expressing it, I learned to suppress it. Some of us avoid conflict if our parents fought frequently or we fear we’ll turn into the aggressive parent we grew up with. Many people believe it’s not Christian, nice, or spiritual to be angry and they feel guilty when they are. I can even unconsciously turn unexpressed anger against myself, leading to guilt, shame, and depression.
Anger can contribute to illness. Mark Twain wrote, “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Stressful emotions wear down the body’s immune and nervous systems and its ability to repair and replenish itself. Stress-related symptoms include heart disease (high blood pressure, heart attacks and stroke, digestive and sleep disorders, headaches, muscle tension and pain, obesity, ulcers, rheumatoid arthritis, TMJ, and chronic fatigue syndrome.
Boundaries; boundaries, boundaries
Remember when we were kids? For some of us that’s not so long ago. For others, well… it’s a little bit longer. We may recall our childhood fondly or we may want to turn our back on the memories. But for most of us, one of the last things we wanted to hear our parents say was, “I’m so disappointed in you.”
It’s almost impossible to bear up under the weight of our parents’ disappointment. That set the foundation for our codependence!
You know what? As I transitioned from childhood through my teen years to being an adult, I wish someone had told me, “It’s okay to disappoint another person—even your mom and dad.”
I wish someone had said that not living up to someone else’s expectations didn’t make me a bad person. That it didn’t make me a disappointment. It more-often-than-not meant THEY were inappropriately and likely unknowingly, seeking to impose their beliefs or cover-up their own fears and imperfections.
There are times when it is in my best interest to choose to say no or take a different path, in an effort to protect myself—to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When someone evaluates my choice and tells me I’m wrong, self-centered, uncaring, etc. Or perhaps I hear how much my choice hurts them and maybe I begin to doubt myself. Eventually, I begin to get angrier and angrier.
Setting a boundary doesn’t mean I don’t care about the person or persons on the other side. A respectful boundary—one that is thought out, developed with a recovery partner or therapist, maybe prayed about, maybe even explained (remembering that I don’t have to offer an explanation!) —often upholds a value that is important to me. It can also be established on universal boundaries that most people will respect, like not tolerating abusive speech or behavior and creating an honest culture within relationships. Even so, not everyone will agree with or understand my choice. As much as someone else wants me to say yes, there are valid reasons for me not to. Included among them, if:
- It violates my values
- It keeps me from saying yes to something I truly feel is more important
- It drains me emotionally rather than fulfilling me
- It allows the continuation of disrespectful or abusive behavior toward me or someone else
That’s certainly not an all-inclusive list and I get to choose the reasons that are valid in my situations.
One recovering person shared this example:
Years ago, I had to set up a difficult but needed boundary with my extended family—a clear “There will be no communication” message. Despite this, I kept receiving emails, texts, and phone calls. My initial reaction was to become increasingly angrier. “Didn’t you hear what I told you? I’m not going to talk with you about this anymore.”
My counselor’s very healthy advice: “I can respect my boundary even if they don’t.” What kind of boundary was it if I ignored it just because they ignored it?
In the end, it is in my long-term best interest to remember that it is okay to tell other people no—and I can choose but don’t have to offer an explanation. As author Anne Lamott says, “No is a complete sentence.” Sometimes the most effective boundary is the simplest: a direct no—declining any explanation, because that helps me avoid my own anger and emotional upheaval. I can still say no in a respectful tone—and repeat, repeat, repeat.
Expressing Anger Effectively
Sometimes, when I am angry, I have the right to be angry; That does not give me the right to be cruel. So, when I am angry, here are some things I can remember:
Anger is a powerful energy that requires expression and sometimes calls for action to correct a wrong. Its expression needn’t be loud or hurtful. Handled well, it can improve a relationship. The following are some steps I can consider:
- I can recognize the signs of anger before they escalate. I can become familiar with how they manifest in my mind and body, usually tension and/or heat. Pay attention to repeated mental or verbal complaints or arguments, which are signs of resentment or “re-sent” anger.
- Signs of anger can warn me to slow my breath and bring it into my belly to help calm me. I can take a time-out to cool-off.
- I can examine my beliefs and attitudes about anger and what has influenced their formation.
- I can acknowledge that I’m angry, when that is the case. Acknowledgment and Acceptance rather than judgment of my anger prepares me for a constructive action.
- My anger may signal deeper feelings or hidden pain, unmet needs, or the necessity of an assertive, rather than reactive, response.
- I can identify what triggered me. Sometimes, resentment is fueled by unresolved guilt. If I frequently over-react and view others’ actions as hurtful, it’s a sign of shaky self-worth. When I raise my self-esteem and heal internalized shame, I am better able to respond to anger in a productive, assertive manner. Look at my contribution to the event. Assess whether I owe an apology. Acknowledging my part and making amends can help me to grow and improve my relationships.
- Boundaries; boundaries, boundaries!
- Finally, I can forgive, within reason. We are all human and I too make mistakes. I will however, remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean I condone or accept bad behavior, particularly if it’s repetitive! It means that I’ve let go of my anger and resentment. I can use the tools of recovery, for example: Sending out positive energy or praying for the other person, to help me extend forgiveness, particularly when forgiveness is not the first thing I want to offer.
Working with a counselor, recovery group or sponsor can all be helpful ways to learn to manage and communicate anger effectively. I am not alone and I don’t have to work through this on my own!