If somebody is working on themselves and changing for the better, it’s unnecessary to keep bringing up their past. People can change and grow. We know this is true.
But, have I given myself a fair chance recently to change and grow, too?
Have I consciously loosened my grip on everything that’s behind me, so I can step forward again with grace?
NOTE- Article adapted* from https://www.marcandangel.com/2021/12/21/4-powerful-lessons-you-gradually-learn-as-you-let-go-of-the-past/#more-5251 by Marc Chernoff
It is valuable to remind myself that I am not alone. There are others who know exactly how I feel. Many have been in that same state of mind and being. At times, we all fall victim to our attachments. And sometimes we don’t even realize we’re blocking our own present blessings by holding on to the past. It is in my best interest to consciously realize this right now: Growth is painful. Change is painful. But in the end, nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere in the past.
When Our Old Stories Hold Us Back
She rarely makes eye contact. Instead, she looks down at the ground. Because the ground is safer. Because unlike people, the ground expects nothing in return. The ground doesn’t shame her or punish her or try to fix or change her. The ground just accepts her for who she is.
“Most people don’t get me. If I’ve tried to hint or show who I really am, they look at me funny. They ask me questions like, ‘What’s your problem?’; ‘Were you beaten as a child?’; You did what??; Why are you so different? Why don’t you ever talk about it?’ I don’t respond. Because I don’t feel like explaining myself; because I feel like I’m not normal. And I don’t think they really care anyway or telling them would result in them leaving me or shaming me. So, I just put up a façade, because it’s easier; It’s safer.”
But one day she does finally share, maybe with a complete stranger that she knows she will never see again. Ideally though, with a trusted friend or recovery partner who reassures her: “I’m just listening. Not judging. Not fixing. Just listening.”
When she finishes, she says, “Well, now you know my story. You think I’m a freak, don’t you?”
“Place your right hand on your chest,” I tell her. She does. “Do you feel something?” I ask.
“Yeah, I feel my heartbeat.”
“Now close your eyes, place both your hands on your face, and move them around slowly.” She does.
What do you feel now?” I ask.
“Well, I feel my eyes, my nose, my mouth… I feel my face.”
“That’s right,” I reply. “But unlike you, stories don’t have heartbeats, and they don’t have faces. Because stories are not alive—they’re not people. They’re just stories. Our stories, that we live through.”
“Yeah… And stories we can learn from.”
Lessons We Learn as We Let Go
The woman from the story has learned and applied many remarkable lessons over the years that ultimately allowed her to let go of her heartbreaking past—her heartbreaking story—and move forward with her life. Here is what I can learn from her recovery work over the years:
1. I can have a heartbreaking story from the past, without letting it rule my present.
In the present moment, we all have some kind of pain: anger, fear, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc.
I can consciously notice this pain within myself, watch it closely, and see that it’s caused by whatever story I have in my head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past). My mind might insist that the pain I feel is caused by what happened (instead of by the story circulating in my head and body). But what happened in the past is NOT happening right now. It’s over. It has passed. But the pain that still keeps happening is because of the story I continue to consciously or subconsciously tell myself about that past.
“Story” does not mean “fake story.” It also does not mean “true story.” It means how I remember or absorb it. The word “story” in the context of my self-evaluation doesn’t have to imply true or false, positive or negative, or any other kind of judgment at all. It’s simply a process that’s happening inside my head:
I am remembering something that happened.
I consciously or subconsciously perceive myself as either responsible for or victim of, this incident or past part of my life. I may even see myself as both.
The memories of what happened cause a strong emotion in me, when they come up.
It’s in my interest to just notice what that story is, without judging it and particularly without judging myself or others. It’s natural to have a story; we all have stories. I can remind myself to see my story for what it is. And see that it’s causing me pain. Then take a deep breath, followed by another…
Inner peace begins the moment I take these deep breaths and choose to not allow the past to rule my present thoughts and emotions. And yes, that is easier said than done. But it starts with those deep breaths and a conscious choice to start doing something different about this.
2. A big part of letting go is simply realizing there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.
All of the things from our past, that we desperately try to hold on to as if they’re still real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t likely still physically present or at least not in that same form. Or if they are there in some form, they’re constantly changing, fluid, impermanent, but mostly they are simply storylines that remain embedded in our minds.
Life gets a lot easier to deal with the moment we understand this.
Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really, it’s not—it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.
Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and accept that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, take a deep breath, and float.
What’s something from the past that I am still struggling with, sometimes desperately?
How is it affecting me in the present?
How is it affecting my sharing or openness or interactions with others, who had nothing to do with that past?
Can I try just imagining that the thing I’m trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist anymore? Can I, even for just a few moments, try envisioning myself letting go… and just floating.
How might that change my life?
3. The pain I continue to feel can be ignored or numbed until it destroys me or can be healed through compassion for myself and those suffering alongside me.
When we’re still working through a painful experience from the past, it’s easy to feel like we’re going through it alone—like no one else could possibly understand how we feel. In a way, we subconsciously place ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything that happened exclusively from the viewpoint of how it pains us personally. Perhaps we have tried simply ignoring it. Perhaps we have tried numbing it via acting out with alcohol, drugs, sexually acting out or other less-than-healthy behaviors. But none of that has healed our underling pain. Those behaviors have only served to delay, strengthen and spread the pain.
As we grow and gradually broaden our horizons, we begin to see that ignoring, numbing or self-centered thinking is only fueling our misery. If we instead realize that shifting our focus onto listening to or being there for others for a while, can actually serve to help us.
It’s one of life’s great paradoxes: when we serve others, we end up benefiting as much if not more than those we serve. So, whenever I feel pain from the past trying to suck me back in, I can remember to shift my focus from my circumstances to the circumstances of others.
What’s the simplest way of doing this at any given moment? Practice letting my breathing be an anchor for global healing… Breathe in whatever painful feeling I’m feeling, then breathe out relief from that pain for everyone in the world who is suffering alongside me.
For example:
If I’m feeling grief, I will breathe in some grief from the world… then breathe out peace.
If I’m feeling anger, I will breathe in some anger from the world… then breathe out forgiveness.
If I’m feeling regretful, I will breathe in some regret of the world… then breathe out gratitude for the good times.
If I’m feeling shame, I will breathe in some indignity of the world… then breathe out gratitude, love, pride and healing.
I will try to remember to do this for a minute or two as often as I need to, imagining all the pain of those near and far coming in with each breath, and then a feeling of compassion and reconciliation radiating out to all of those who are in pain, myself included, as I breathe out. Instead of running from my past and the pain it caused me, I’m embracing it… letting myself absorb it, which seems counter-intuitive. And I’m thinking of others as well, which gets me out of that miserable, self-centered mindset trap.
I will also remember that when I have the honor of being the listener, as described in the earlier story, I will not interrupt or interject. I will listen to every word. And I assimilate the raw emotion present in the tone of her voice and in the depth of her eyes, without judgment or trying to fix.
4. There is always, always, always something to be thankful for in the present.
Even when my past, my story, tries to pull me back in (and it will), I can consciously do my best to focus on my present blessings. What do I see in my life right now? I can be thankful for it all. For my health, my family, my friends, my home or just a safe place to lay my head down at night. Many people don’t have these things. I may even be or have been one of those people and still there are things that I can be thankful for.
I will remind myself that the richest human isn’t the one who has the most, but the one who needs less. Wealth is a mindset where I can strive to want less and appreciate more.
Yes, this is easier said than done, but with practice it does get easier. And as I practice, I transform my past struggles into present moments of freedom. Ultimately, happiness is letting go of what I assume my life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. At the end of this day, before I close my eyes, I will remember to smile and be at peace with where I’ve been and grateful for what I have. If I owe an amends, I will make it, even if I can only do it through good thoughts and energy transmitted via the Universe and my Higher Power. Life is good.
I am not my bad days
I am not my mistakes
I am not my scars
I am not what someone else said or did to me
I am not my past
I will be here now. I will breathe in and breathe out.
What’s something from the past that I am still holding on to?
How is it affecting me in the present?
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*For KC CoDA purposes, articles are edited to come from an "I/me" perspective. They also may have edited content and format.