Shame typically comes up when you look inward with an overly critical eye and evaluate yourself harshly, often for things you have little control over.
NOTE- Article adapted* from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/toxic-shame by Crystal Raypole
This negative self-evaluation often has its roots in messages you’ve received from others, especially during your childhood but also from prior and even current adult relationships. Shame centers on your identity as a person, and it becomes particularly toxic when it starts to impact your sense of self.
Toxic shame opens the door to anger, self-disgust, and other less-than-desirable feelings. It can make you feel small and worthless. When toxic shame lingers without resolution, the desire to hide from it or escape from yourself can lead to potentially harmful behaviors like substance misuse or self-harm.
‘Normal guilt’ vs. ‘toxic’ shame
Pretty much everyone experiences some guilt or mild shame throughout life. Guilt and mild shame often have a cultural component which can help maintain social norms by reinforcing the idea that certain behaviors can harm others and have a negative impact on society. But when does normal guilt or run-of-the-mill shame become truly toxic? It’s complicated.
Shame vs. guilt
Say you got caught teasing a classmate in elementary school and your parents sharply scolded, “You should be ashamed of how you treated them.” Their criticism inspired guilt feelings: You regretted your actions and wanted to make up for your behavior to earn their approval once again.
To understand how shame can become toxic, let’s take a step back to explore the difference between shame and guilt, two self-conscious emotions often confused with each other.
Guilt relates to specific actions, such as:
- Making a mistake;
- Doing something you know you shouldn’t;
- Causing harm to another person, intentionally or otherwise;
- Guilt refers to actions or behaviors which, if within cultural or societal norms, are likely to be forgiven following customary amends or other reparations.
People often find it easier to discuss guilt, perhaps in part because guilt implies remorse and the opportunity to receive forgiveness. It may feel more natural to talk about a wrongdoing when you regret it, want to repair any damage you’ve caused and can achieve some form of reconciliation.
Guilt can promote behavioral change, since disappointment with yourself can prevent you from making a similar mistake. But shame relates to your sense of self, and it can cut deeper, so these feelings can linger long after you’ve apologized or made amends.
Toxic shame refers to shame that sticks around and starts to contaminate the way you see yourself. It is viscerally painful to the psyche. It’s a physiologic response of the autonomic nervous system. You might blush, have a rapid heartbeat, break into a sweat, freeze, hang your head, slump your shoulders, avoid eye contact, withdraw, even get dizzy or nauseous. You may want to just hide or otherwise disappear. It is a profound sense of separation — from yourself and from others. It’s disintegrating, meaning that you lose touch with all the other parts of yourself, and you also feel disconnected from everyone else. Toxic shame induces unconscious beliefs, such as: “I’m a failure; I’m not important; I’m unlovable; I don’t deserve to be happy; I’m a bad person; I’m a phony’ I’m defective,”etc.
For codependents, shame hangs around often beneath consciousness and leads to other painful feelings and problematic behaviors. I’m ashamed of who I am. I don’t believe that I matter or am worthy of love, respect, success, or happiness. When shame becomes all-pervasive, it paralyzes spontaneity. A chronic sense of unworthiness and inferiority can result in depression, hopelessness, and despair, until I become numb, feeling disconnected from life and everyone else.
Shame creates fertile ground for addiction and is the core feeling that leads to many other codependent symptoms, including:
- Perfectionism
- Low self-esteem
- People-pleasing
- Excessive or frequent feeling of guilt, among others.
For codependents, shame can lead to control, caretaking, and dysfunctional, nonassertive communication. Shame creates fears and anxieties that make relationships difficult, especially emotionally or physically intimate ones. People might sabotage themselves in work and personal relationships because of these fears. You aren’t assertive when shame causes you to be afraid to speak your mind, take a position, or express who you are. You blame others, because you already feel so bad about yourself that you can’t take responsibility for any mistake or misunderstanding. Meanwhile, you apologize like crazy to avoid just that! Codependents are afraid to get close because we don’t believe we’re worthy of love, or that once we’re known, we’ll disappoint the other person. The unconscious thought might be that “I’ll leave before you leave me.” Fear of success and failure may limit job performance and career options.
How toxic shame begins
As you grow up and learn more about how your actions affect others, you begin to develop a better sense of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Your parents played an important role by (ideally) reminding you mistakes are normal and guiding you toward better choices by teaching you about the consequences of your actions.
Yet parents (or now, partners and friends) can send unhelpful, harmful messages, too:
- “I can’t believe how dumb you are” rather than “It’s OK, everyone makes mistakes.”
- “Stop sitting around like a fat lump” instead of “Let’s go take a walk and get some fresh air.”
- “You’re not smart enough,” when you share your dream of becoming a doctor.
Disapproval and disappointment that focuses not on actions, but aspects of the self, can make you feel painfully vulnerable, inadequate, even unworthy of love or positive attention.
Abuse, neglect, and emotionally distant relationships can also trigger the development of shame. Parents or partners who ignore your physical or emotional needs can give the impression you don’t belong or deserve love and affection. This affects our adult relationships, particularly emotionally and/or physically intimate relationships. It impacts our sense of self.
Toxic shame develops when mistakes continue to haunt long after they happen. This often happens when the action or behavior we had engaged in is generally viewed by cultural or societal norms as being indefensible or otherwise reprehensible.
Why it’s a big deal
If you keep receiving negative messages about your personality, intelligence or even your very being, you’ll probably end up internalizing them. This is a totally normal response, but that doesn’t make it any less harmful.
Instead of briefly feeling guilt for poor choices and learning from them, you carry a (false) idea of your own worthlessness forward. This shame becomes part of you, damaging your self-image and becoming part of your self-talk — particularly if from childhood, when you’re still figuring out your own self-perception.
Toxic shame blocks a more positive view of yourself. If you believe you’re evil, unlovable, stupid, or any number of other negative and untrue things, you may see these as permanent states you can’t do anything to change and struggle to develop healthy self-worth.
Here are a few other things toxic shame can do.
It isolates you
Believing negative messages about yourself can lead you to avoid and withdraw from others. The idea that you’re unworthy of friendship or intimacy can make you feel anxious about revealing your “real” self to people who care about you.Toxic shame can also relate to actions you regret, such as infidelity or dishonesty. You might worry you’ll end up hurting anyone you try to form a relationship with or decide you don’t deserve another chance.
It causes emotional distress
The negative self-talk that usually accompanies shame can trigger unwanted emotions, like:- Anger, both toward yourself and others
- Self-loathing
- Worry and fear
- Sadness
- Embarrassment
You might feel as if doing everything perfectly can help undo harmful messages you’ve absorbed or make up for your “badness.” Perfectionism can also rise from the desire to avoid showing any flaws for people to criticize.
It affects relationships
Living with toxic shame can make it difficult to open up to others. “If they learn how awful I really am, they’ll run away.” So, you keep a lot of yourself back and never feel comfortable relaxing your guard around loved ones or friends. Even innocent things people say can be absorbed as shame. This can make you seem distant, so loved ones may feel as if you’re hiding something and have a hard time trusting you.Shame can also contribute to relationship conflict. Even well-intended constructive criticism or comments about your behavior, however kind or empathic, could remind you of being shamed early in life and reinforce ideas of your own inadequacy.
Difficulty accepting criticism could provoke defensiveness, feelings of anger and sadness, and lead you to lash out at your partner or shut down emotionally.
It can lead to harmful behaviors
Toxic shame isn’t pleasant to live with, and many people turn to unhealthy coping strategies to manage or numb the pain it causes. Substance misuse (acting out with sex, drugs alcohol, pornography, fantasy, etc), self-harm, or disordered eating can all serve as attempts to block shame and maladaptive attempts to numb or regain control of your life. These methods of coping might seem to offer some short-term relief, but they do nothing to heal the shame and in fact, risk expanding it.
Working through it
Toxic shame can fester like an untreated wound, but the strategies below can help you begin to recover.
- Challenge and reframe negative internal messages;
- Start to heal shame by recognizing how and when it shows up;
- Become aware of certain erroneous phrases in the background of your thoughts: “I can’t do anything right; I’m ugly; I’m stupid; No one will ever accept me; No one will ever forgive me”; etc. These beliefs come from somewhere, but they’re not an accurate representation of reality. To start reframing them with a self-compassionate outlook, try this:
- Acknowledge the thought. “That’s one way of seeing things but it’s not reality.”
- Explore where it comes from. “My parents or former / current partner said things like that when I didn’t meet their expectations.”
- Consider evidence for or against it. “What about the things I’ve done right?”
- Consider other perspectives. “I made a mistake, but I can fix it.” or “I have made proper amends; I have already paid the price for it; I know what not to do next time; I have learned my lesson.”
- If you absorbed shame from something that was said to you, particularly when it came from someone you are emotionally close to, remember that what s/he said may not have been said with the intent or awareness of inflicting shame or pain.
- TALK about it with the other person but only after the emotional hijacking has subsided.
- Talk about it with a trusted friend or independent facilitator;
- Talk about it with a therapist.
Treat yourself with kindness
Recognize that shame is imposed by others but absorbed by us and we have a role in our own healing.
Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s only natural you will, too. You are not flawed, nor a failure. You are a lovable, fallible, worthwhile, precious child of God. You are worthy of love — especially your own love.
Like other kinds of love, self-love doesn’t happen overnight. You have to nurture it before it can flourish. Exploring positive traits about yourself, or personal values you consider important, can help you practice strengthening self-worth.
Try brainstorming positive characteristics in a journal or as an art therapy exercise.
Meditation can also help promote compassionate and loving feelings toward yourself. Mindfulness meditation can increase awareness of shame-triggered beliefs that come up throughout the day, but that’s not all it does. It can also teach you to let these thoughts pass without intense emotional distress.
Seek out supportive relationships
People living with toxic shame often end up in toxic or troubled relationships. Patterns that resemble childhood circumstances or former relationships can seem attractive, in part, because they seem to offer the opportunity to redo those early relationships and heal the pain they caused. Or, maybe you believe you don’t deserve any better.
Allowing yourself to pursue fulfilling relationships with people who care about you as you really are has a positive impact on your efforts to break free of toxic shame.
It may take plenty of support and compassion from loved ones to rewrite deep-seated shame, but patience and self-compassion can make this possible.
Sharing feelings of shame can also have benefit, though it requires vulnerability Shame is common, and learning that people, who you reciprocally admire and care for, experience similar feelings helps you feel less alone. It may even prompt you to reconsider some of those long-held negative beliefs about yourself. Finally, remember to share with someone who has demonstrated the trust and privilege to hear your story. It may be family or an intimate partner or friend but it may also come from another person who has similar experiences.
Talk to a professional
Shame can be so pervasive that working through it alone can seem daunting, but don’t give up hope. A trained, compassionate therapist can offer guidance and support as you begin to explore its origins, identify its impact on your life, and practice confronting it when it creeps into self-talk.
The bottom line
Toxic shame often cuts deep, but self-compassion and self-love can be helpful tools for smoothing away the scars it leaves behind. Confronting and healing from shame may sometimes feel impossible, but it’s not. And you don’t have to do it alone.
And a loving-kindness meditation from Jack Kornfield:
May I be filled with loving-kindness.
May I be safe from inner and outer dangers.
May I be well in body and mind.
May I be at ease and happy.
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*For KC CoDA purposes, articles are edited to come from an "I/me" perspective. They also may have edited content and format.