Vulnerability- What Is It, Benefits, and How-To
What is It?
NOTE- Section adapted* from https://medium.com/publishous/the-importance-of-being-vulnerable-80a337a63464 by Odin Halvorson
When you ask someone what it means to be vulnerable, they often start talking about it as a synonym for weakness.
To be vulnerable means to be at risk of experiencing harm. In the military, vulnerability is a measurement for how likely it is for damage to be inflicted. If we fail to buy the proper renter’s insurance we are “vulnerable” to things like burglaries and floods. But, being vulnerable means something else when it’s placed in connection with human flourishing.
“Vulnerability isn’t good or bad. It’s not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light, positive experience. Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.
Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”
In one of her TED talks, Brené Brown said that, after her first TED talk became popular, she was contacted frequently by leaders in the business world who asked her to come and speak to their teams. But, she said, they often asked her to avoid talking about things like shame or vulnerability — the very subject areas in which she is an expert. When she asked them what they did want her to speak about, they said “innovation, creativity, and change.” A smiling Brown then goes on to say that the root of these three sought-after talking points is vulnerability (which is squelched by shame!).
The answers to the big questions aren’t simple positive affirmations. They aren’t necessarily “positive” at all, in the way that a lot of self-help gurus might want you to believe. It’s important to be vulnerable because doing so allows us to share those things which have hurt us, and feel compassion in the act of sharing. And the same vulnerability allows us to experience great new avenues of thought.
Brown concentrates on two questions which she views as utterly dangerous and detrimental to the growth of individuals and society. Those questions are, “what should I be afraid of,” and, “who’s to blame for it?” We encounter a stressor which activates a flight or fight fear response and we want to kill the thing doing it to us. It’s a primal piece of our makeup, but it’s also a symptom of social manipulation. We’re taught to view the world in this way, and we’re taught that viewing the world in this way is the most natural way to experience life. But it isn’t. Researchers in empathy, community development, anthropology, social patterning, and psychological development, have shown us that “fight or flight” isn’t the only basic human drive. That competition and aggression are not our sole motivators. Sure, if your society is structured to reinforce those values, you’re going to end up inheriting the effects, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t more to us.
Now, there is also an important difference between sympathy and empathy which Brown discusses. Sometimes, it can seem that words like empathy, compassion, and sympathy, are all synonymous. Perhaps we can agree that “pity” at least, feels different, but many might not be certain of what creates that difference. Brown says that “sympathy is something we do when we don’t want to feel vulnerable.” It’s something we do that implies the sentence, “I am sorry that’s happening to you but I don’t want to actually have any part in what you’re going through, seek help elsewhere.”
Empathy is exactly the opposite. Empathetic connection implies the sentence, “it seems like you’re experiencing a lot of pain, I would like to stand by your side while you feel this way, and support you if you need it, even if I can’t fix whatever is going on.” And that requires vulnerability. It does mean that, sometimes, we need to be able to connect with feelings that are dark in ourselves. It means we need to be willing to hurt just as much as someone else, and we need to be willing to do this without anything to gain.
Benefits of Being Vulnerable (i.e. Why should I be vulnerable?)
NOTE- Section adapted* from https://myquestionlife.com/benefits-of-being-vulnerable/
- Builds trust and intimacy in a relationship (Vulnerability is necessary for healthy relationships)
- Vulnerability and trust go hand in hand in a relationship. While it can be tricky to decide which comes first, both qualities build off of each other to deepen a connection.
- Builds empathy and understanding;
- Increases our self-worth;
- Helps us find the people we want in our lives;
- Allows us to work together more as a benefit if we are vulnerable;
- Helps us overcome our negative emotions quicker;
- Increases our self-awareness and personal accountability;
- Opens us up for growth;
Finally, all of these benefits – working together, overcoming emotions, taking accountability – lead to one considerable consequence: we open ourselves up for growth.
It’s naive to think that we can improve ourselves by thinking through things alone. Change doesn’t happen out of thin air – it needs some sort of catalyst to inspire it. A benefit of being vulnerable is that it will inspire this change.
Therefore, when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we open ourselves up for these catalysts to happen. It might be a conversation with a friend, a phone call to a therapist, or even a google search for new ideas. Whatever the case, it would not come to fruition had we not been vulnerable in the first place.
How Do I Do It?
- Strive to be self-aware (Don’t bottle up your emotions);
- Vulnerability takes courage;
- Show up, face fear, in order to move forward (even in little, incremental steps);
- Seek excellence, not perfection
- Dare to be yourself
- The forces of fear, insecurity, and doubt will never go away no matter how hard you try to avoid, hide from, or attempt to bury them. Instead, face them with courage and confidence in your authentic self and know that you’ve been given the gifts necessary to overcome whatever is in front of you.
- Dare to be yourself in all your glory– your strengths, skills, and beauty as well as your flaws and insecurities. Doing so will help you realize true strength of spirit that’s already within you!
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*For KC CoDA purposes, articles are edited to come from an "I/me" perspective. They also may have edited content and format.