When we think of the word codependent, we probably jump up and immediately say, “No, that’s not me.” No one wants to be codependent. It seems so…weak. So frail. So…dependent. But here’s the thing: A lot of people are codependent (It’s actually more common than we may realize). And while it may seem like some big, scary thing—it doesn’t have to be.
NOTE- Article adapted* from https://hackspirit.com/how-to-stop-being-codependent/ by Jess Carpenter
Being codependent doesn’t mean that I am incapable of being alone. It doesn’t mean that I am a weak person. Sometimes, all any of us need is a few steps to help dissipate our codependent feelings and behavior.
1. Figure out what is codependent in your relationship. You may not have every sign of codependency. Chances are, you have a pattern. So maybe you take everything upon yourself and feel like no one notices. Maybe you go above and beyond for everyone else but yourself.
Whatever it is that you’re doing, figure it out. Look for the patterns in your relationship that are codependent behaviors. Keep a list and keep track of the things that you’re doing. This will help you realize when you do something that should stop. You can’t stop being codependent if you don’t know how you’re being codependent. This is the first step for everyone. Recognize your codependency. Don’t shy away from it.
2. Know your self-worth. I get it. This advice seems so obvious and cliche. But to overcome codependency in a relationship, you have to work on the most important relationship you’ll ever have in life — the one you have with yourself.
For many people, being codependent is a negative reflection of their self-worth. And in this day and age it’s harder to love yourself than it’s ever been. From a very young age we’re conditioned to think happiness comes from the external. That it’s only when we discover the “perfect person” to be in a relationship with can we find self-worth, security and happiness. That is a life-wrecking myth. One which not only causes so many unhappy relationships, but also poisons you into living a life devoid of optimism and personal independence.
3. Set up boundaries. Once you’ve realized what it is that you’re doing, stop and set boundaries. Realize that the things you are doing aren’t helping you. You’re hurting yourself. Even though you’re helping others, it’s not helpful when you then rage about it a few weeks later. No one wants that. Set boundaries for yourself. Accept help from others. Learn to say no. Stop doing everything for everyone around you.
4. Work through your past. Since so much of being codependent comes from your past, you’ll need to work through it. This is something most people don’t want to do. Being codependent often comes with that sense of denial. We don’t want to be codependent, so we think by ignoring it, it’ll go away. But, that’s not true. You have to work through all the crap in your life. And sometimes, there’s stuff you don’t even remember. The past of a codependent individual is filled with unresolved conflicts dealing with love and emotional needs, with familial issues playing the biggest part of it. This exploration can be emotionally stressful and draining, but it’s the essential first step before you can truly move forward.
5. Overcome denial. Be frank with yourself. Admit that your problems are real, and they were carried over from your unfulfilled childhood emotional needs. The later in life that you sum up the courage to look your denial in the face and walk past it, the longer you will have to deal with dysfunctional relationships and hurting those trying to love you.
6. Detach, disentangle. Cut away from the person you are now and the dysfunctions that make up who you are. Detach from your pains, your problems, your anxieties and your worries, and try to imagine a “new you” without the baggage and preoccupations of the past.
What are the parts of you that need shedding away? What are the unfulfilled needs and deep-seated thoughts chaining you to the idiosyncrasies creating this suboptimal version of yourself? Identify those issues, and every time you feel them again, do your best to recognize them and consider the situation a second time without those issues clouding your mind.
7. Learn to say no. A major issue with codependent individuals is the inability to prioritize the self — your needs and wants over the needs and wants of others. Whereas emotionally functional people have clear boundaries, codependent individuals are afraid to put up any boundaries when dealing with other people, because they don’t want to risk upsetting anyone or causing themselves to lose their relationship.
Understand your self-worth. Learn your boundaries and establish them, and protect these boundaries when dealing with other people.
8. Find supportive people. The people who truly love and care about you will stick by your side. The ones that don’t probably aren’t healthy for you. Toxic relationships shouldn’t be kept in your life just because you think you’re supposed to keep them. Remove the toxicity and find supportive people. It may be a friend, spouse, parent, or just a therapist. It doesn’t matter if you have a hundred supportive people or just one, that support person is going to be needed.
You don’t stop being codependent overnight. It’s a serious, deeply ingrained problem that is hard to get past. Support is everything.
9. Care for Yourself. Ultimately, overcoming codependency revolves around learning to care for yourself. You treat others with the caring and love that you yourself need, because you have difficulty believing that you deserve love without earning it.
Before anyone else can love you the way you need them to, you need to love yourself by establishing your value and self-worth. And this begins with giving yourself the same compassion and care that you give those around you. Think about the things that you need for you to be happy, and protect your feelings and emotions from those who might be bringing you down. Learn to love yourself and be open with your own needs.
10. Put yourself first. Are you so used to taking care of others that you’ve forgotten about yourself? You have to put yourself first. There’s nothing better than self-love and self-care, especially when you’ve spent years thinking you don’t deserve it.
Thinking of others first isn’t a bad thing—but it can be exhausting when you are codependent. Try to remember that you are important. You are worthy. And you deserve to be put first as well.
11. Embrace honesty. Stop doing things that feel like a waste of your energy and time, because these lead to resentments between you and your partner. Say the truth about what you feel, what you need, and give your partner the opportunity to make you truly happy.
12. Grow thicker skin. You have spent a lifetime having very little self-worth and self-esteem, so it’s normal that you might be overly sensitive and easy to wilt at the slightest criticism or negativity. Start learning how to continue moving through feelings and events that make you feel uncomfortable, and become a stronger version of yourself.
13. Take emotional breaks. When you need a break, you need a break. Whether it’s a break from your partner, your family, your workplace, or anywhere else. Learn how to recognize your exhaustion and reward yourself with the needed space and time to become whole again.
14. Consider counseling. Professional counseling can seem intimidating at first, especially if you aren’t ready to accept that there’s anything “really wrong” with you. But counseling can help anyone, regardless of their issues or conditions. Having that professional space to talk to someone who will understand can improve your situation tremendously.
15. Rely on support. There are groups and organizations out there filled with individuals who are facing the same issues and problems as you. At CODA, you can meet up with other codependents through a 12-step group program and share your pain and struggles with people who have gone through the same things.
Remember: Self-Care is never selfish!
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*For KC CoDA purposes, articles are edited to come from an "I/me" perspective. They also may have edited content and format.