It can feel strange when sometimes, I struggle to tell even the people closest to me about my true emotions. Putting feelings of anger, sadness, or misery into words can be difficult. Even if the words are at the tip of my tongue, even if they are screaming in my mind and I want to let them out, I clench them back. Here are some of the reasons why:
1. I want to be in control of my emotions but sometimes bottle them up
Over time, I may have been convinced that shedding a tear or saying that I’m hurt can be viewed as a sign of weakness. I fight with myself to stay in control of my emotions, to stay emotionally rigid, to be a perfectionist of sorts.
Reminder: Being able to confront my fears in front of people is a demonstration of emotional strength, rather than ignoring my true emotions and trying to bury them away in the corners of my mind, which only tears me down.
2. I have doubts about whether people will truly understand me
Sometimes, I suppress my feelings because I think people won't understand. I worry that when they fail to relate with what I’m going through, they may reject or disapprove of what I’m saying, simply because they don't get it.
Reminder: It's always possible to find someone who will understand me and not reject things I have to say as silly or tell me that I’m being too sensitive or unreasonable.
3. I don't trust others seeing my vulnerable side
To reveal my innermost doubts, fears and feelings can be terrifying. Putting myself out there can feel like I’m exposing my innermost self, making my soul bare and giving someone a peek inside. And I feel like people may take advantage of me or maybe even leave me when they learn about how I really feel or who really am.
Reminder: As difficult as it can sometimes be, taking the chance to get in touch with my feelings, with someone I truly trust, can help my emotional wellbeing (as well as theirs).
4. I’m often / always trying to be what others expect me to be
Others may sometimes think of me as the person who's always composed and can keep it together. But because of someone or something in my past, that hurt me or broke my self-esteem, I now hesitate or altogether stop myself from truly sharing how I feel or what's on my mind. I sometimes feel like I’m not entitled or deserving enough to express my feelings and instead just try to meet the expectations that others have of me. I put my emotions aside and smile just to keep loved ones or others pleased.
Reminder: Opening up about my feelings can bring me relief too. Research also suggests talking about my feelings helps with emotional regulation. When I find it difficult to talk about my feelings, I can utilize or develop skills that make the process easier. I will start simple: Take a deep breath. Besides helping me gain a sense of calm; deep breathing supports my memory and improve cognitive function.
5. I want to avoid arguments and conflicts with people around me
No matter how bad the situation is, I sometimes do everything I can to avoid getting into a fight, especially with someone close to me. I think that saying too much or revealing my true feelings may get me pulled into needless arguments or that the other person will think less of me or will ignore me anyway.
Reminder: A discussion need not be an argument. In some cases, having healthy discussions can strengthen my emotional bond with someone. When my needs are equally met with that of the other person, it can build a stronger relationship.
6. I am convinced that, no matter what I do, things won't get better
After trying too hard or too long to make things better, I may feel hopeless and completely given up on trying anymore. I sometimes think it’s possible that I think my partner or friend or family member is too stubborn or oblivious or otherwise discounting to the way I feel.
Reminder: I deserve and it's important to develop and have relationships where I can freely open-up without having the fear of being judged or looked down upon.
7. I take on the burden of others even if it hurts me
I tend to put the feelings of others before my own. And because of this, I willingly carry the weight of others while putting mine aside. I may be the first to show up and rescue others from the troubles they are in but I rarely, if ever, reach out for help when I’m the one who needs it. Even when I am hurt, I still show up for the people who are important to me.
Reminder: Sometimes, I need a break, too. I need a moment where I can breakdown, let my feelings out, and cry or lean on someone's shoulder, someone who will genuinely listen. Confronting my feelings and coping with them can mend my relationship with myself, as well as others.
8. Fear that the person I share THIS particular thing with will result in them leaving
This one’s the hardest for me and involves the ‘tough topics.’ These are the ones that might make me feel my heart racing or me trying to figure out what to say. Maybe a part of me wants to open up, but another part just isn’t so sure. Maybe I’m not even sure how I feel. The words seem stuck in my throat, if not my stomach
When the story brings up big emotions, it’s common for me to hold back. Some experiences feel too painful or traumatic to talk about and I may feel like the consequences of sharing could be worse than the pain of keeping it secret, particularly if I fear for my safety or fear legal repercussions.
The experience of trauma itself can also make it harder to name, describe, and share my feelings. Trauma and attachment issues are often linked. Lack of secure attachment due to trauma makes opening up especially difficult because it causes people, myself included, to feel reluctant to share feelings, fearing rejection or worse. In some instances, it can feel like being my authentic self can be risky. That reluctance is magnified when the people around me put up facades of “having it all together,” making me even more isolated and unwilling to share raw, real or uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Harder yet is if those people are also ones who I’ve heard shaming or speaking down about others, because I fear what they will share when I’m not around.
Because difficult emotions can often be complex, it’s essential to take a moment of self-reflection to identify what I’m feeling and then permit myself to feel those feelings. I can start by asking myself: “What am I noticing, feeling, or thinking?” If it’s hard to identify a feeling, I can focus on sensations in my body first. Is there any tension or stress there? Sensations in the body can often be clues about my feelings.
How do I get Past the Fear?
I choose the right listener and the right time.
Confidence in talking about feelings is often seeded in childhood and further influenced by social norms. Research demonstrates that people are less likely to talk about certain childhood traumas, like parental divorce, neglect, and sexual or physical abuse. Traumas are easier to talk about if they relate to things that are viewed as socially acceptable and those traumas are not. They are often wrapped up in complex feelings of fear and shame that can linger for a lifetime.
If I find it difficult to open up, I can consider whether I’m still grappling with my own childhood trauma or social norms that make it harder for me to share. Those two characteristics make it particularly important for me to engage support, if not from a professional therapist, then at minimum with a trusted friend, priest / pastor or 12-step recovery partner / sponsor. Social media is not the place to seek out healing support at these times.
I’ll try to remember that my first sessions with that person will often feel awkward and anxiety-inducing. But after a few sessions, I will be better able to confirm whether I feel safe and then the words and feelings will begin to more easily flow. If I don’t have that sense of safety after the third ‘visit,’ it’s my obligation to move on to another resource. That resource is out there and I will find her or him. The same can be said for conversations with my loved ones and friends — and even with myself. As I practice this skill, I begin to find it easier to share my feelings when the moment calls for it.
I’ll also try to remember that the “wrong” listener includes anyone who isn’t able or willing to understand, who puts me down, blames me, invalidates my feelings or who shames me in any way. The right listener is someone who’s open, understanding, non-judgmental and empathetic. They will not ‘fix’ me; Rather they will help me develop the tools to fix myself, including helping me understand, feel and believe in myself. I am a precious, fallible and still valuable child of God (or the Universe, etc).
Is someone I care about having trouble opening up?
Here are some quick tips for helping them:
- Agree to discuss the issue
- State your intentions
- Center and ground yourself before the discussion
- Don’t blame
- Take responsibility for your part in their emotions
- Communicate in a way that will promote trust, openness, and safety
- Don’t fall into the trap of justifying your actions
- Be patient
- Show appreciation
- Thank them for sharing
As I practice being a good listener, my friend or loved one may feel more comfortable opening up without feeling fearful, hesitant, or anxious. Over time, this can help strengthen the relationship and benefit both of us emotionally.
Additional Resources:
- https://thoughtcatalog.com/ella-ceron/2014/07/you-need-to-tell-people-how-you-feel/
- https://psiloveyou.xyz/why-its-important-to-tell-people-how-you-feel-5409d39ef622
- https://psychcentral.com/lib/feeling-stuck-how-to-express-your-feelings#helping-someone-else-share
- https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/hiding-feelings#effects-on-health
- https://www.elitedaily.com/lifestyle/cant-express-feelings
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*For KC CoDA purposes, articles are edited to come from an "I/me" perspective. They also may have edited content and format.