In moments of unexpected relationship stress and frustration, an occasional reminder about our attitude and behavior can make the difference in our mindset. The thoughts below can offer a healthy point of reference for some of life’s interpersonal interactions, particularly when they may not have gone as planned or desired.
Be watchful of using complaints and disagreements as an opportunity to condemn each other. Complaints are OK. Disagreements are OK too. These are natural, honest reactions to a person’s decisions or behavior. But when complaints and disagreements spiral out of control into global attacks on the person, and not on their decisions or behavior, this spells trouble. Remember, there’s a big difference between who someone IS and what they sometimes DO.
Negative or hateful gestures are not a substitute for honest communication. Name-calling, threats, eye-rolling, belittling, mockery, hostile teasing, etc. In whatever form, gestures like these are poisonous to a relationship because they convey hate. And it’s virtually impossible to resolve a relationship problem when the other person is constantly receiving the message that you hate them. If someone you love makes a mistake and you choose to forgive them, your actions must reinforce your words. In other words, let bygones be bygones. Don’t use their past wrongdoings to justify your present righteousness. When we use someone’s past wrongdoings to make ourselves feel or seem “better” than them, it’s a lose-lose situation.
The silent treatment. Tuning out, ignoring, disengaging, refusing to acknowledge, etc. All variations of the silent treatment don’t just remove the other person from the argument you’re having with them, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship you have with them. When I’m ignoring someone, I’m teaching them to live without me.
Get over it. If I don’t allow myself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, I will look at my present and future through that same dirty lens, and nothing will be able to focus the resulting foggy judgment. What I do now matters more than what happened yesterday.
Always be kinder than necessary. What goes around comes around. No one has ever made themselves strong by showing how small someone else is. Everyone you meet is learning something, is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something. Live by this! Be extra kind today.
Forgive yourself. For the bad decisions you made, for the times you lacked clarity, for the choices that hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to learn and grow from them.
Some chapters in our lives have to close without closure. There’s no point in losing yourself by trying to fix what’s meant to stay detached and broken. Take a deep breath. Inner peace begins the moment you challenge your attachments and decide to not let them control your emotions.
Be careful not to dehumanize people you disagree with. In our self-righteousness, we can easily become the very things we dislike in others.
Being kind to someone you dislike doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you’re mature enough to control your actions, and strong enough to calm your emotions.
People tend to be more thoughtful and kind when they have found a little happiness and peace of mind. And this speaks volumes about the people we meet who aren't very thoughtful and kind to us. Sad, but true. So, let's just wish them well today, and be on our way.
There is a purpose for everyone you meet. – Some people will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you; but most importantly some will bring out the best in you. Learn to see and accept the differences between these people on a daily basis, and carry on accordingly.
We all change, and that’s okay. – Our needs change with time. When someone says, “You’ve changed,” it’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes it just means you stopped living your life their way. Don’t apologize for it. Instead, be open and sincere, explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your heart is right.
Forgiving others helps ME. – Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer. It doesn’t mean I’m erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means I’m letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move forward in my life.
The bottom line is that we tend to make things harder than they have to be. And the difficulties started when… conversations became texting, feelings became subliminal, sex became a game, the word “love” fell out of context, trust faded as honesty waned, insecurities became a way of living, jealously became a habit, being hurt started to feel natural, and running away from it all became our solution. Stop running! Face these issues, fix the problems, communicate, appreciate, forgive and LOVE the people in your life who deserve it. And of course, if you feel like someone is playing games with you, speak up and establish some boundaries...