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Emotional Safety

The following is an amalgamation of a whole bunch of smart people's work. See links at the end.

Emotional safety: What is it?

Emotional safety is the “knowing” of what we’re feeling; The ability to be able to identify our feelings and then take the ultimate risk of feeling them. Emotional safety comes from within us; We don’t necessarily see things as they are, we see things as we are. 

When people achieve emotional safety, one person can say something stupid, and the other person ignores it or doesn't look at it as significant. There's a level of trust. But when they lose that safety, everything has the potential to flare up. They stop taking things at face value or giving each other the benefit of the doubt. Under those circumstances, it's very difficult to make progress on issues in the relationship.

Shame plays a role: Modern affect theory, which illuminates the role of shame in relationships and attachment theory, uses research on how infants attach to their parents to understand the fundamental emotional connection between adults in their relationships, particularly emotionally intimate relationships.

Our emotionally intimate friends or partners have a much greater capacity to stimulate our shame both because she or he knows us better than anyone else and because we tend to care more about what they think of us.  When we get a sense that our friend or partner's view of us is negative, that tends to stir up our shame, even though we probably don't recognize our feelings as shame, at the time.

That dynamic can move a relationship into unsafe waters. The main reason relationships go into downward spirals is because of the maladaptive reactions we often manifest in response to perception of threat.  "If you criticize me, I'm likely to feel threatened and move farther away or respond with my own critical message. We go back and forth because your reaction threatens me, and my reaction threatens you."

The line between emotional safety and an eroding relationship isn't hard to cross. However, it's also possible to help move back into a healthier frame of mind. The mark of a successful relationship is not that it never leaves the safe zone. Rather, people in successful relationships can repair momentary lapses in safety and get back into the safe zone.

Emotional safety means being able to share your feelings, concerns, or desires without fear, as well as showing others, particularly your partner, the same empathy and respect. It resembles having open conversations about difficult topics, and honoring each other’s perspectives even when you don’t agree. It comes in the form of offering honest feedback without anyone getting overly defensive. In other words, when you’re emotionally safe in a relationship, there's no need to hold back or pretend.

Emotional safety: What are the signs I’m not feeling safe?

When the word “safety” comes up within the context of relationships, your mind may immediately fall to the importance of physical safety. Emotional safety, however, is also crucial. After all, you must first feel emotionally safe in your relationship, if you hope to ultimately open up to your close friends or partner. As Brené Brown wisely states in her book Daring Greatly, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.” In other words — without safety, we do not have the capacity for vulnerability, and without vulnerability, we can never truly get close to our significant others.

When we feel unsafe, we withdraw. It’s a natural, instinctive reaction. But our romantic relationships are incapable of thriving if we close ourselves off. Wondering where you and your friend or partner fall on this spectrum? Here are some possible signs that you don’t feel emotionally safe:

  • You're snooping. When you feel emotionally safe in your relationship, you trust that your partner will not to do something that will intentionally hurt you. So, whether you’re acting on it or not, if you find that you’re frequently tempted to check their phone or laptop for anything suspicious, that’s a red flag. If you feel like you have good reason to snoop because your partner has cheated on you in the past, acknowledge that. If that’s the case, and you still feel tempted to scope out their texts and emails here and there, you haven’t been able to regain a sense of emotional safety. Communication here is key, and you should consider addressing that trust issue head-on.
  • You’re scared to leave your partner alone. Especially in the early stages of a relationship, it’s common (and totally normal) to feel like you want to be with your partner all of the time. However, having a little breathing room is imperative for maintaining a healthy relationship. So, if you feel scared to leave your partner alone, you may want to consider why.
  • You agree with your partner on absolutely everything. If you agree with your partner on a lot of things, that can bode well for your relationship — after all, we are much more likely to find happiness with someone who shares many of our beliefs and values. However, if you’re never openly disagreeing with your friend or partner, especially when you question their judgement, that can be a red flag that you’re avoiding confrontation or conflict. When you feel emotionally safe in a relationship, you should be able to express a difference in opinion without bracing yourself for a major blowout
  • You’re pointing the finger a lot. Have you noticed yourself frequently blaming your partner for your negative feelings and reactions? That could be another sign that you’re not feeling emotionally safe in your relationship. When you regularly accuse your partner of behavior that you really don’t want to see, it’s often not because they’ve done anything wrong, but because you’re afraid they will.

Sometimes the fear you’re feeling has to do with your past, not your present. If that’s the case, do the work you need to do to properly process your past experiences that have led you to be fearful in relationships. Unless you take care of you first, you’re always going to feel fearful in relationships — even with loyal friends and partners.

Characteristics of Emotionally Safe Relationships

  • Affection: Can include kind gestures, loving words, physical touch and sexual intimacy. 
  • Acceptance: You feel as if you fit in and belong in their life, while still being yourself.
  • Validation: Even the closest partners don’t always see eye to eye, and that’s OK. When you don’t completely agree, though, you still want to know they’ve heard your concerns and understand where you’re coming from.
  • Autonomy: no matter how strong your relationship becomes, it’s essential to maintain your sense of self. While you might have plenty of things in common, you’re two separate people with unique goals, hobbies, friends, and values — and that’s a good thing.
  • Security: 
    • Mutual respect for each other’s boundaries
    • Feel safe to share feelings
    • Feel physically safe
    • Belief in mutual support of each other’s choices
    • Able to share feelings
  • Trust: Trust and security often go hand in hand. It’s hard to feel physically or emotionally safe with someone you can’t trust. When you trust someone, you know they’re looking out for you as well as themselves. Trust should not happen immediately. It is cultivated over time. 
  • Empathy: Having the ability to imagine how someone else may feel.
  • Prioritization: Feeling valued and like we get some attention (not at the expense of meeting our own needs however). 
  • Connection: It’s OK not to do everything together. In fact, maintaining separate interests and friendships is good for individual emotional health, as well as the health of your relationship. AND, we want to feel connected at the same time.
  • Space: Every relationship still enjoys some privacy. This privacy can mean separate spaces to work or relax at home, but it also means emotional privacy.
  • Listening non-defensively: Listen to understand the emotions and feelings
  • Let go of toxic thoughts and body language: Damage is done when you hold negative thoughts or turn your back, roll your eyes, walk away, fold your arms, stand/sit at a distance, have a tense facial expression, sigh, etc.

Emotional needs aren’t set in stone. We have different needs throughout our life, and our needs can also shift within relationships. This happens as we learn more about ourselves through personal growth or in relation to our friend or partner. Emotional needs vary from person to person but we should not expect the other person to fulfill every one of our needs nor should they expect that of us. 

You are part of a relationship and if either you do not feel safe in any capacity, then you both play a part in what has been created. When emotional safety is created, conversations are smoother, trust is established, connection feels stronger, and intimacy of all kinds better! The great news is that at any point, the two of you can make a decision to create safety in your relationship, as long as you are both committed to the process and take ownership of your individual roles.


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