Boundaries
The word leaves icicles in the hearts of lovers.
NOTE- Article adapted* from https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/6573/boundaries-in-relationships/
We’re told love is supposed to be an unencumbered, wide-open field where unicorns and fairies create magnificent tapestries of our love with sugar and instant trust. Truthfully, the more room there is to run unfettered, the more likely we are to trip and fall flat on our faces.
Boundaries are necessary, and there’s nothing about them that says they can’t change. They shouldn’t be thought of as rigid constrictions designed to suffocate a relationship. They should, can, and do change, which is why discussing them is so important.
12 types of boundaries to consider in your relationship
1. Overall Expectations: First off, you should always discuss what you expect out of someone, and what you expect to receive. “Expectations” get a bad rap in Romanceville, but if one thinks of expectations as standards of conduct, embracing the boundaries that come with it becomes easier. A relationship should be a balance of give and take, not take till there’s nothing left for someone to give.
2. Tolerances: Everyone has different physical pain thresholds. Same goes for emotional. Let a loved one know there are certain things you will not tolerate: being shouted at, lied to, silenced, or mistrusted – whatever it is, make it known that going past these boundaries is a journey they may not want to take.
3. Sexual Expression: Some people like sex every morning. Some people like it in odd locations. Some do it only on holidays. Some are wild, some slow and sensual. If you and your partner don’t know where your sexual boundaries are, one or both of you might spend precious time unhappily faking sexual expression, which is a clear sign of trouble on any relationship’s horizon. Let your needs and preferences be known, as well as how much wiggle room for experimentation exists within them.
4. Financial: Money is generally taken to be poison in matters of the heart, but money is an inescapable part of human interactions whether you’re with someone or not. Discuss your financial boundaries with your partner. Can you come to an agreement?
5. Past Lives: Simply put, your past is yours. Many people incorrectly feel that it’s their right or duty to split open the past to their examination. You, however, are not an automobile; there is no title and registration in your back pocket to hand over to someone; you have no tires for kicking. Let people know that what you choose to divulge – unless non-disclosure presents a direct health risk or is otherwise threatening – is at your discretion. Communication is key in any relationship, but a relationship is not a therapist’s couch. Now that you know some of the key types of boundary you may wish to set in your relationship, how do you go about it? It should come as no surprise to learn that open and honest communication is the key to unlocking successful boundary setting and the respecting of those boundaries.
6. Family: Relationships often exist within the eyes of “Hurricane Familia,” which doesn’t necessarily mean terrible family interactions, but simply that the needs of both families will constantly swirl around the edges of your relationship. Setting basic boundaries on how much each other’s family interaction impacts the relationship will prevent the need for emergency restoration later.
7. Friendships: Your partner will never like all of your friends, nor you theirs, but that doesn’t stop a lot of people from trying to determine who the other can and can’t have as friends. Set mutual boundaries of respect that the other can make reasonable decisions as to who they allow to influence them and, by extension, who they allow to influence the relationship.
8. Goals: No one gets to tell us our dreams are worthless, even if they think they’re doing so kind-heartedly in our best interests. Set a boundary: This is what I want to/am going to do; support is allowed, undermining is not.
9. Additions: Are you willing to bring children into the relationship? Pets? These are generally hard and fast boundaries everyone brings to a relationship, but are unwilling to bring up unless they absolutely have to. Adding to a relationship unit is a huge deal and shouldn’t be left to chance.
10. Subtractions: The break up. As with tolerances, a discussion about what we will and will not do in the event things don’t work out might save loads of pain and drama at the end.
11. Time: Time, even among partners, is finite, so the questions become: What are your time boundaries? At what point do you feel smothered? How long do you need to recharge? These are all things a partner will need to know – and will want to know – so that both of you not only feel comfortable in your own skins, but around each other.
12. Digital Presence: In the age of iPhones and social media, it’s necessary to discuss how much access a partner has to your digital presence. Communication apps, tracking apps, calendar apps, Facebook friending (and friending of friends): all of this is boundary-laden territory.
Relationships may not always last, but social media, while not forever, is, exceedingly difficult to untangle.
Setting Boundaries
Here are some suggested steps to help implement healthy boundaries in our relationships:
Step 1 – Know Your Boundaries: Perhaps you have found inspiration in the earlier boundary examples and have some idea of what boundaries you’d like to set in your relationships. But even so, it’s worth taking the time to really identify where you stand on the range of issues spoken about, and to think about other areas or lines of mutual respect for each other.
Only when your boundaries are known to you first, will you be able to communicate them to your partner and vice versa. Working with a trusted friend, recovery partner or therapist can be useful when first starting to select and set some boundaries. It can start with just one. And remember, boundaries can change as we and others change.
Step 2 – Choose When to Discuss Them: Some things need to be discussed fairly early on in a relationship because they may play a big role in yours and your partner’s happiness and the overall health of your union. When you feel the time has come to discuss a particular boundary, make sure to do so when you are free from distractions and when you are both relaxed and open to each other’s point of view.
Some things can wait until they actually need to be raised. It’s not necessary, for instance, to state categorically that you will not tolerate being shouted at until/unless you find yourself in that situation. OF course, in those circumstances, it is best to wait for things to calm down so that you and your partner are able to talk with less emotional energy to confuse things. For those particularly sensitive topics, consider having the boundary discussion with an independent facilitator, like a therapist who you both feel good about.
Step 3 – Make Them Clear: If you want your partner to abide by your boundaries, you must make them clear and easily understood. There is little room for ambiguity and gray areas if these things really mean a lot to you. Ask your partner to repeat back what they think your boundary is. This will allow both of you to be aligned in an understanding of that boundary.
When expressing your boundaries, use “I” statements rather that “you” statements. For example:
“I would prefer it if your Mother phoned first before coming around.”
Rather than:
“You need to tell your mother to phone before she comes around.”
Step 4 – Allow for Some Minor Infractions or Imperfections: Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. While there are some deal breakers that you simply will not accept, it is reasonable to give each other some leeway if either of you crosses over some of your boundaries…especially when you have first communicated them and are both getting accustomed to respecting and supporting each other.
For example, we might forget to fully respect a wish to be alone, to rest and recharge. It’s an innocent mistake to make, and can be as simple as s/he not realizing your need for that alone time, right in that moment.
It’s certainly not something to create a huge fuss about… unless they continue to disregard your feelings time and again. Gentle reminders of our preferences help us to respect and honor those boundaries.
Step 5 – Know When and How to Be Assertive: There may come a point when a non-negotiable or strict boundary has been crossed…or your partner may continue making smaller, repeated mistakes around things that are not so significant but for their repetition.
Either way, there will come a time when we need to realize some consequences to our negative actions. Otherwise, the boundary violations will only continue or even worsen. For some things, your partner needs to know the consequences before the first infraction.
If, for example, you simply cannot accept any form of cheating whatsoever, you have to make it clear from the get-go that you will end the relationship should this occur.
Other times, you simply may need to discuss the consequences of a repeated violation of a less important boundary.
Don’t Be Afraid to Revisit Discussions. People change. Relationships change. Boundaries change. Clearly-communicated, healthy boundaries bring partners and close friends together in the knowledge and comfort that they can talk without fear of recrimination or unfair judgment.
When we’re able to see that setting boundaries within a relationship doesn’t limit it but actually strengthens it, the juvenile fantasy that someone has to be completely ours, at every moment, gives way to the more adult appreciation of our partner and friends as individuals.
Asking for and respecting boundaries are key components in any relationship. And, remember that while we all are entitled to have boundaries, sometimes we don’t effectively express or adequately examine and uphold them. Absent significant infractions, that’s okay, as long as we are making progress towards them. Keep the lines of discussion open!
Discussing boundaries shouldn’t be seen as a forecast of trouble, but rather putting trust and faith in reality lasting longer than unbounded fantasy or giving up what is important to you and your own sense of self as an equal, deserving friend or partner.
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*For KC CoDA purposes, articles are edited to come from an "I/me" perspective. They also may have edited content and format.