Dealing with unsolicited advice is something we all struggle with at one time or another.
NOTE- Article adapted* from https://bemorewithless.com/dealing-with-unsolicited-advice/ by Courtney Carver.
1. I don’t have to be so helpful.
Anne Lamott says, “Our help is usually not very helpful. Our help is often toxic. And help is the sunny side of control. Stop helping so much. Don’t get your help and goodness all over everybody.” Oh, ouch! Help is the sunny side of control?!
I’ll admit, I often think of my advice as “being helpful” which is why seeing it through Anne Lamott’s eyes is so powerful. It makes me wonder, do I want to help or do I want to control the situation. Am I being helpful or controlling?
2. Ask first
I can ask myself, “Does this person want my advice?” If I'm not sure, I can ask them. “Is it ok if I tell you what I think?” or “Do you want my advice?” If they say no, I will believe them.
3. Tell first.
When I am talking to my people about something, I can be clear about what I’d like in response. If I don’t want advice, I can say, “I’d like to share this with you and I am not looking for advice.” or “I don’t want advice or feedback but instead I just want to say this out loud. I want to vent.” And then I just to be really clear I can ask, “Is that ok with you?”
In some cases, I may be actually looking for advice and I can ask for it.
4. Stay in my own business.
This goodness from Byron Katie always reels me in, “There are only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s.
- Whose business is it if an earthquake happens? God’s business.
- Whose business is it if my neighbor down the street has an ugly lawn? My neighbor’s business.
- Whose business is it if I am angry at my neighbor down the street because he has an ugly lawn? My business.
Life is simple—it is internal.
Count, in five minute intervals, how many times I am in someone else’s business mentally. Notice when I give uninvited advice or offer my opinion about something (aloud or silently).
I can ask myself: “Am I in their business? Did they ask me for my advice?” And more importantly, “Can I take the advice I am offering and apply it to my life?”
I am constantly asking myself, “Is this my business?” 9 out of 10 times, it’s not. Next, I consider the advice I had ready to go and see if I can apply it to my own life.
5. Consider past exchanges.
Has my advice been well received in this relationship in the past? If my advice has been routinely dismissed or debated, stop offering it. Instead ask, “How can I help?” or just listen. Not everything requires a response.
6. Don’t be mistreated.
When advice crosses the line to commenting on my clothing, body, or other things that are completely inappropriate, I can speak it. “That’s inappropriate.” One of my favorite quotes is from Elizabeth Lesser. She so eloquently says, “Do no harm, take no shit.”
7. Let it go.
Once I give my advice (with permission), let it go. I’ve given it to someone else and it’s up to them to decide what to do with it. It’s kind of like writing a book. I can’t tell people how to read it, when to read it or even to read it at all. I don’t get to control how other people receive my words.
When receiving advice, if it doesn’t resonate, I can let it go. If I feel pressured to act or follow through, I'm not dealing with advice, I'm dealing with expectations. I don’t have to deal with those at all.
8. Re-frame your advice.
When giving it … Instead of telling others what they should do, I can remind them that this is what has been helpful for me or how I imagine I would move forward in their situation. Reinforce self trust, “You know what’s best for you.”
When receiving it … When I am blindsided with unsolicited advice that isn’t welcome or helpful, I can simply say, “Thank you for the thoughtful feedback.” Then see #7.
9. Don’t take advice too seriously.
When I’m considering advice, especially unsolicited advice. I do a quick scan and ask the following questions,
- Is this person qualified to offer this advice? For instance, If someone is offering me medical advice and they are not a medical professional, I’ll say thank you and do my own research.
- Why am I so resistant to or bothered by this advice? Often, it’s because the advice isn’t helpful but sometimes it’s because it’s something I really need to hear and really do not want to hear.
- Even though I don’t love it all, is there a bit of goodness here? In other words, don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. (P.S. That’s a terrible saying but perfectly illustrates what I’m going for here.)
10. Trust myself.
Before I seek advice, I can check in with myself. Take good care and check in again. After I get advice, check in again. I can put my hands on my heart, breathe and ask, “what’s best for me?” I can trust the answer.
The fascinating part of these 10 things is that the next time, before unsolicited advice is coming out of my mouth or when it is pouring into my ears, I can think about it differently and might not have to be dealing with unsolicited advice at all. It’s fascinating that in many situations, by changing my thoughts, I can change my experience.
This is advice on advice. The irony is not lost.
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*For KC CoDA purposes, articles are sometimes edited to come from an "I/me" perspective. They also may have been edited for content and format.